A Hindu, an Arab, and a lawyer are driving together to a friend’s wedding. On the way, a section of the road is washed out and they have to pull up at a farm house for the night. Farmer tells them that he only has room for two and one of them will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu volunteers, takes a blanket and pillow, and goes to the barn. 10 minutes later he comes back. “I am very sorry. But you have a cow in the barn and cows are sacred creatures in my culture and I cannot sleep close to them.”
The farmer understands and takes no offense.
The Arab volunteers and takes a blanket and pillow and goes to the barn. 10 minutes later he returns. “I am very sorry. But you have pigs in the barn and they all tried to get under the blanket with me. I cannot be in close proximity to them because of my culture.”
The farmer understands and takes no offense.
The lawyer volunteers and takes a blanket and pillow and goes to the barn. 10 minutes later there is a knock at the door. Standing in front of the farmer are the cow and the pigs.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’ Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’ To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’
Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’
A man walks into a bar. “I’ll have two shots of whiskey, in two different shot glasses,” he tells the bartender. “I always have two—one for me and one for my brother, who I don’t get to see much anymore, but he’s always on my mind.” That’s fine with the bartender, so he puts down the two drinks, which the man gulps down before paying and leaving. Anyway, it happens again from time to time: “One shot for me, and one for my brother.” But one day, after this has been going on for quite a while, the man sits down… and orders just a single shot of whiskey. It troubles the bartender. “I don’t mean to pry, but, well, why no drink for your brother this time? I sure hope he hasn’t passed away.” The man shakes his head. “Nah, he just quit drinking.”
A guy goes to a doctor with a tapeworm issueA doctor says:.
“There’s a new groundbreaking treatment that will help you to get rid of it. Works 100% of the time. Every morning, eat a cookie and drink a glass of milk. Do it for three days. Then on a fourth day drink a glass of milk only”.
The guy follows the instructions, has his cookie and drinks his milk for three days. On the fourth day he just drinks the milk.
The worm comes out immediately, goes:’where the heck is my cookie?"
Yadira Rostro also had 23 lbs of Chinese fentanyl in her backpack and an MS-13 tattoo on her forehead when she waded across the Rio Grande. The tapeworms in her brain account for her voting for Biden shortly after her arrival. Her medical costs were covered by working Americans’ tax dollars via some sort of free medical care for illegals plan covered by the government. When asked about the situation, Border Czar Kamela Harris replied “I’ve never been to Europe, either”, sang “The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round” and cackled hysterically. Believe It of Not!
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St. Peter asked.
‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered. ’On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!’
St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’ ’
I seem to come late to this “forum” although it is early morning here. In any case; I would like to share a favorite story I heard as a teenager watching the Jackie Gleason variety show in the previous century. (Wow! Never thought I would ever say that; and have it be true!)
A young man in the old west arrived at a saloon, in a new town looking for work. As it happened the owner was in need of a bar tender and this young man impressed him enough to be hired.
The owner gave him just enough training such that the young man could start that day and give the owner a much-needed break.
“Oh! One last thing before I go.” said the owner at the door, "If anyone comes in and says, “Big John is comin’ to town; Leave! Do not hesitate! Get out! Don’t worry about any of the inventory, property or anything! Jest get yerself out an’ HIDE!” The young man, taken aback, assures the owner he will do just that should he hear Big John is a-comin’!
Hours later things are going well at the bar. Busy; but the young man is adapting well and beginning to enjoy his new position. Suddenly a man rushing through the swing doors shouting, “Big John is comin’! Big John is comin’ to town!” Pandamonium breaks out among the patrons and before the young man can even collect his thoughts, men are running everywhere. Out the back door, jumping through windows, out the front door; every exit available and a few that are instantaneously “constructed”! In seconds the young bartender is left alone in an empty saloon with dust beginning to settle where dozens of men stood before. Quickly collecting his thoughts, the young man begins to run from behind the bar to the front door. Before he can get there; the doorway is filled with the visage of an enormous bull buffalo being ridden by a man at least seven feet tall and weighing perhaps 320 lbs.! He wears only a buckskin loin cloth and a skunk skin cap. A huge Bowie knife hangs from a rawhide strip from around his neck and 10 gauge…
jasonsnakelover over 2 years ago
One time I was 21 feet tall.
Radira Yostro One time I had nine egg sacs.
One time I flew at 63 miles per hour.
May the Lord be with you.
Templo S.U.D. over 2 years ago
Was the young cow’s name Timmy or something? (Lassie reference or something.)
RabbitHole over 2 years ago
A double header today! First one with a cow.
A Hindu, an Arab, and a lawyer are driving together to a friend’s wedding. On the way, a section of the road is washed out and they have to pull up at a farm house for the night. Farmer tells them that he only has room for two and one of them will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu volunteers, takes a blanket and pillow, and goes to the barn. 10 minutes later he comes back. “I am very sorry. But you have a cow in the barn and cows are sacred creatures in my culture and I cannot sleep close to them.”
The farmer understands and takes no offense.
The Arab volunteers and takes a blanket and pillow and goes to the barn. 10 minutes later he returns. “I am very sorry. But you have pigs in the barn and they all tried to get under the blanket with me. I cannot be in close proximity to them because of my culture.”
The farmer understands and takes no offense.
The lawyer volunteers and takes a blanket and pillow and goes to the barn. 10 minutes later there is a knock at the door. Standing in front of the farmer are the cow and the pigs.
RabbitHole over 2 years ago
And one on flying.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’ Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’ To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’
Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’
Caldonia over 2 years ago
A man walks into a bar. “I’ll have two shots of whiskey, in two different shot glasses,” he tells the bartender. “I always have two—one for me and one for my brother, who I don’t get to see much anymore, but he’s always on my mind.” That’s fine with the bartender, so he puts down the two drinks, which the man gulps down before paying and leaving. Anyway, it happens again from time to time: “One shot for me, and one for my brother.” But one day, after this has been going on for quite a while, the man sits down… and orders just a single shot of whiskey. It troubles the bartender. “I don’t mean to pry, but, well, why no drink for your brother this time? I sure hope he hasn’t passed away.” The man shakes his head. “Nah, he just quit drinking.”
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
I’ll take tapeworms for $200, Ken.
A guy goes to a doctor with a tapeworm issueA doctor says:.
“There’s a new groundbreaking treatment that will help you to get rid of it. Works 100% of the time. Every morning, eat a cookie and drink a glass of milk. Do it for three days. Then on a fourth day drink a glass of milk only”.
The guy follows the instructions, has his cookie and drinks his milk for three days. On the fourth day he just drinks the milk.
The worm comes out immediately, goes:’where the heck is my cookie?"
Until next time.
The Pro from Dover over 2 years ago
And while they were down there they found the knee and thigh as well.
oakie817 over 2 years ago
i’m sure yadira appreciated you sharing that about her
Count Olaf Premium Member over 2 years ago
Yadira Rostro also had 23 lbs of Chinese fentanyl in her backpack and an MS-13 tattoo on her forehead when she waded across the Rio Grande. The tapeworms in her brain account for her voting for Biden shortly after her arrival. Her medical costs were covered by working Americans’ tax dollars via some sort of free medical care for illegals plan covered by the government. When asked about the situation, Border Czar Kamela Harris replied “I’ve never been to Europe, either”, sang “The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round” and cackled hysterically. Believe It of Not!
Huckleberry Hiroshima over 2 years ago
“Arf! Arf!” “What’s Lassie saying, Tommy?” “Bossie’s at the bottom of the well!”
Take care, may forgotten TV Guide cover artist Norman “I Started With Corn and I Ended With Corn” Rockwellord be with you, and gesundheit.
Nighthawks Premium Member over 2 years ago
after rescuing the calf, all the rescuers were treated with steak on the barbie , courtesy the calf’s momma
mindjob over 2 years ago
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St. Peter asked.
‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered. ’On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!’
St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’ ’
‘Couple of minutes ago.’
Dolphin Lover over 2 years ago
Very good one!
artegal over 2 years ago
Shortly after the hoverbike’s debut, the Galactic Empire ordered hundreds of them. They’re awaiting shipments of them on the moon of Endor.
NoNameOntheBullet Premium Member over 2 years ago
I seem to come late to this “forum” although it is early morning here. In any case; I would like to share a favorite story I heard as a teenager watching the Jackie Gleason variety show in the previous century. (Wow! Never thought I would ever say that; and have it be true!)
A young man in the old west arrived at a saloon, in a new town looking for work. As it happened the owner was in need of a bar tender and this young man impressed him enough to be hired.
The owner gave him just enough training such that the young man could start that day and give the owner a much-needed break.
“Oh! One last thing before I go.” said the owner at the door, "If anyone comes in and says, “Big John is comin’ to town; Leave! Do not hesitate! Get out! Don’t worry about any of the inventory, property or anything! Jest get yerself out an’ HIDE!” The young man, taken aback, assures the owner he will do just that should he hear Big John is a-comin’!
Hours later things are going well at the bar. Busy; but the young man is adapting well and beginning to enjoy his new position. Suddenly a man rushing through the swing doors shouting, “Big John is comin’! Big John is comin’ to town!” Pandamonium breaks out among the patrons and before the young man can even collect his thoughts, men are running everywhere. Out the back door, jumping through windows, out the front door; every exit available and a few that are instantaneously “constructed”! In seconds the young bartender is left alone in an empty saloon with dust beginning to settle where dozens of men stood before. Quickly collecting his thoughts, the young man begins to run from behind the bar to the front door. Before he can get there; the doorway is filled with the visage of an enormous bull buffalo being ridden by a man at least seven feet tall and weighing perhaps 320 lbs.! He wears only a buckskin loin cloth and a skunk skin cap. A huge Bowie knife hangs from a rawhide strip from around his neck and 10 gauge…
paulscon over 2 years ago
I’m going to order the Xturismo as soon as I get $680,000 together. The price should have been in Ripley’s description
Under Dog Premium Member over 2 years ago
Oh no! I think Big John got him!
Stephen Gilberg over 2 years ago
I take it they shaved part of Yadira’s head for surgery.