Is Silver still trying to one-up me on golf jokes? Just remember, a higher score is a worse score. And that having been said, let’s see if I can ace this next pomme de terrace:
After registering a round of 142 – including all the fudging he usually did – the golfer asked his caddy, “Am I the worst golfer you’ve ever caddied for?”
“Well, Sir,” the youngster began, “I wouldn’t go so far as to say that…but I’ve been on real estate today I never even realized was on the property.”
Mantis shrimp also have some of the most complex visual systems (in terms of number of different receptors) of any animal on Earth. Although this gives them a very broad potential range of perception, gong deep into UV, human eyesight and visual processing still has a lot of advantages.
The mantis shrimp forms a plasma at 8,500F. The surface of the sun is about 10,000F. The speed is about the same as a 22 caliber bullet, about 1,125 Feet per second. Totally amazing.
I love all the jokes that are posted on here. So here’s my contribution. It’s not a golf joke, rather it’s more appropriate for Halloween, even though that holiday passed months ago, but I just found it online and I think it’s hilarious, so here goes:
A guy is walking down the street by himself when he nearly collides into two monsters, each one holding a smartphone. Just as the terrified man is about to turn tail and run, the monsters quickly stop him and reassure him.
“Relax,” one of the monsters speaks up. “We’re glad you’re here, we actually need your help.”
The other monster spoke as they both held out their smartphones to the man.
“We’re from out of town and we were about to take some selfies. Would you be so kind as to take the photos?”
The man was so surprised all he could choke out was a small “Um, ok…”
So for the next 2 minutes, the monsters and the man takes selfie after selfie. Despite the circumstances, the man found himself starting to relax as the monsters laughed and genuinely seemed to be friendly. There was just one thing that really confused him: the monsters insisted he had to be in each and every selfie with them.
“Oh my, would you look at that?” One of the monsters looked at his smartphone. “It’s almost time for dinner.”
“Thank you so much for your help, sir,” the other monster said.
“Glad I could help,” the man said. “Before you go eat, there’s something I have to know. Why’d you want me to be in all your selfies?”
Both monsters looked at each other and then looked at him in confusion.
“I thought you humans took pictures of your food just before you ate it too.”
I will let Steve and eromlig have their dual and go topical with an illusionist joke.
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
The bat story reminds me of the fable of why the bat flies at night: Long ago, the birds and beasts were locked in seemingly endless war, but there was one creature, the bat, who would play both sides. Whenever the birds were victorious he would enjoy their spoils, if confronted he would show off his wingspan, and say no land dwelling beast would have such glorious wings. On days the beasts came out ahead he would justify joining their victory by showing his fur and fangs, features that no bird had. Eventually the war ended, and the bat was revealed to have been playing both sides to get the best spoils while not actually participating in the fight. As punishment it was exiled, only allowed to fly in the dark of night where no one would see his shame.
Of course that story doesn’t factor in the fact that something like 3/5ths of all animals, especially mammals, are actually nocturnal, so he was being banished to spend time with the majority, but hey, the story is probably centuries old and was likely written by people who didn’t know much of natural biology.
The panel about the bat reminds me of my high school trig and analytical geometry teacher. He was from West Virginia and joked that their official state bird was the house fly.
Here’s a snippet from an article about the Bat Bird of the Year. (I’m sorry that I can’t credit the article, because I forgot to write down the name). But as others have said, bats aren’t birds, so I’m still puzzled.
_The bat was included in the competition to raise awareness and support for the species, according to the statement.
Long-tailed bats are classed as “nationally critical” by the New Zealand Department of Conservation, which says they could face extinction if they aren’t protected._
pearlsbs almost 3 years ago
More than five-hour.
More than 300 escapes.
eromlig almost 3 years ago
Is Silver still trying to one-up me on golf jokes? Just remember, a higher score is a worse score. And that having been said, let’s see if I can ace this next pomme de terrace:
After registering a round of 142 – including all the fudging he usually did – the golfer asked his caddy, “Am I the worst golfer you’ve ever caddied for?”
“Well, Sir,” the youngster began, “I wouldn’t go so far as to say that…but I’ve been on real estate today I never even realized was on the property.”
monkeysky almost 3 years ago
Mantis shrimp also have some of the most complex visual systems (in terms of number of different receptors) of any animal on Earth. Although this gives them a very broad potential range of perception, gong deep into UV, human eyesight and visual processing still has a lot of advantages.
Templo S.U.D. almost 3 years ago
In the paraphrased words of Calvin’s classmates, “bats aren’t [birds].”
Bilan almost 3 years ago
Does that bus provide beds like the Knight Bus (in Harry Potter’s world)?
SWCarter almost 3 years ago
I sort of expect the bus to be filled with parents and their newborns. That way everyone can get some sleep.
therese_callahan2002 almost 3 years ago
Do those buses play “We’re On The Road To Nowhere” by Talking Heads?
The Pro from Dover almost 3 years ago
Sleep Ulu sleep! Good bus.
Huckleberry Hiroshima almost 3 years ago
And then the bus driver takes their wallets.
Take care, may lonely shrimp boat captain Allen “The Horizon Never Goes Away When At Sea” Gangplankord be with you, and gesundheit.
NeedaChuckle Premium Member almost 3 years ago
The mantis shrimp forms a plasma at 8,500F. The surface of the sun is about 10,000F. The speed is about the same as a 22 caliber bullet, about 1,125 Feet per second. Totally amazing.
SquidGamerGal almost 3 years ago
Bats aren’t birds. They are also NOT bugs, CALVIN!!
Technicholls almost 3 years ago
So there is variety of self-blanching shrimp?
bluegirl285 almost 3 years ago
I love all the jokes that are posted on here. So here’s my contribution. It’s not a golf joke, rather it’s more appropriate for Halloween, even though that holiday passed months ago, but I just found it online and I think it’s hilarious, so here goes:
A guy is walking down the street by himself when he nearly collides into two monsters, each one holding a smartphone. Just as the terrified man is about to turn tail and run, the monsters quickly stop him and reassure him.
“Relax,” one of the monsters speaks up. “We’re glad you’re here, we actually need your help.”
The other monster spoke as they both held out their smartphones to the man.
“We’re from out of town and we were about to take some selfies. Would you be so kind as to take the photos?”
The man was so surprised all he could choke out was a small “Um, ok…”
So for the next 2 minutes, the monsters and the man takes selfie after selfie. Despite the circumstances, the man found himself starting to relax as the monsters laughed and genuinely seemed to be friendly. There was just one thing that really confused him: the monsters insisted he had to be in each and every selfie with them.
“Oh my, would you look at that?” One of the monsters looked at his smartphone. “It’s almost time for dinner.”
“Thank you so much for your help, sir,” the other monster said.
“Glad I could help,” the man said. “Before you go eat, there’s something I have to know. Why’d you want me to be in all your selfies?”
Both monsters looked at each other and then looked at him in confusion.
“I thought you humans took pictures of your food just before you ate it too.”
vaudeguy almost 3 years ago
300 Straight Jacket escapes in eight hours? As a magician, we call that “rehearsing.”
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 3 years ago
I will let Steve and eromlig have their dual and go topical with an illusionist joke.
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
Until next time.
poppacapsmokeblower almost 3 years ago
What is the record time for putting on 300 straight jackets?
poppacapsmokeblower almost 3 years ago
So mantis shrimp cook their food?
poppacapsmokeblower almost 3 years ago
How long is the bus ride back, and what does it cost? Is it cheaper than a hotel room?
poppacapsmokeblower almost 3 years ago
The USA bird of the year for 2020, was a raised middle finger.
JoshHere almost 3 years ago
You can’t come back from nowhere. I think Ulu means death in Chinese, lulling passengers to sleep? Yes, eternal sleep. I hear the Twilight Zone theme
mindjob almost 3 years ago
That bat identified as a bird and was allowed to compete according to the rules set by NZ Bird Association.
paranormal almost 3 years ago
A bat isn’t a bird, so how could it be bird of the year???
Bilan almost 3 years ago
The shrimp boils the surrounding waters? That would be nice to have shrimp that cooks itself for you.
yangeldf almost 3 years ago
The bat story reminds me of the fable of why the bat flies at night: Long ago, the birds and beasts were locked in seemingly endless war, but there was one creature, the bat, who would play both sides. Whenever the birds were victorious he would enjoy their spoils, if confronted he would show off his wingspan, and say no land dwelling beast would have such glorious wings. On days the beasts came out ahead he would justify joining their victory by showing his fur and fangs, features that no bird had. Eventually the war ended, and the bat was revealed to have been playing both sides to get the best spoils while not actually participating in the fight. As punishment it was exiled, only allowed to fly in the dark of night where no one would see his shame.
Of course that story doesn’t factor in the fact that something like 3/5ths of all animals, especially mammals, are actually nocturnal, so he was being banished to spend time with the majority, but hey, the story is probably centuries old and was likely written by people who didn’t know much of natural biology.
dv1093 almost 3 years ago
Does anyone still use straitjackets? I doubt it.
Stephen Gilberg almost 3 years ago
Have you ever heard of the mantis shrimp?
The second word might make it sound like a wimp,
But it’s actually quite the heavy hitter.
Some people even call it “thumb splitter.”
The spearer variety stabs at prey,
While the smasher is apt to knock it away.
Both types can swing their raptorial claws
So fast that they seem to defy the laws
And produce vapor-filled cavitation bubbles.
That might be the start and end of prey’s troubles,
For even if they should avoid the punch,
The bubbles collapsing all in a bunch
Create a big shock wave to kill or stun.
And that’s not the only feature that’s fun:
The mantis shrimp’s eyes are the most advanced,
Leaving biologists quite entranced,
With at least 12 photoreceptors each,
Allowing their color perception to reach
From deep ultraviolet out to far-red.
What’s more, the mobile eyestalks on their head
Can move independently of each other,
And each has trinocular vision (oh brother).
Since very few others see polarized light,
The mantis shrimp move their bodies just right
To communicate in a secret code
(Which humans have cracked, as one study showed).
They’re said to predate the first dinosaur
By a hundred million years or more.
As sea creatures go, they’re practically gods.
Let’s hear it for the stomatopods!
Surly Squirrel Premium Member almost 3 years ago
The panel about the bat reminds me of my high school trig and analytical geometry teacher. He was from West Virginia and joked that their official state bird was the house fly.
finnygirl Premium Member almost 3 years ago
I suffer from insomnia, but it never, ever occurred to me to ride a bus to go to sleep! Very interesting. I read this ad for the service.
https://ulu.travel/en-US/product/ULUBUSTOUR01B
finnygirl Premium Member almost 3 years ago
Here’s a snippet from an article about the Bat Bird of the Year. (I’m sorry that I can’t credit the article, because I forgot to write down the name). But as others have said, bats aren’t birds, so I’m still puzzled.
_The bat was included in the competition to raise awareness and support for the species, according to the statement.
Long-tailed bats are classed as “nationally critical” by the New Zealand Department of Conservation, which says they could face extinction if they aren’t protected._
pbr50138 almost 3 years ago
When I was a kid, whenever we rode the bus to or from downtown, most of the time, I went to sleep.