Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for August 16, 2023

God will give the money to a good cause.

Amen

Praise the l0rd and pass the credit card.

“If I can’t take it with me, I’m not going.”

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, Bless the bed that I lay on. Four corners to my bed, Four angels ’round me spread: One at the head, one at the feet And two to guard me while I sleep…

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?”

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray someone will rub my feet

If I wake up in the night

Keep the ghosties out of sight

My prayer is now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

Please let me die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take

He took my mom away so I’m not happy with Him because she was the last parent I had left, and I kept praying to Him to not make me outlive her.

My dad always finished up with, “If I should die before I wake just cover my face with a hot pancake.”

We always knew you wanted to spirit other people’s money Rat. That’s about as spiritual as you get.

what a noble soul

I’m surprised that he didn’t give thanks for making him better and smarter than everyone else.

His middle name must be Trump

I think the last word should have been “spend” or maybe “use” or something, but not sure how to adjust the third line to rhyme.

Not quite the way I heard it Rat!

Rat’s favorite Bible verse is “The lack of money is the root of all evil.”

“Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which required forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which might not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.”

On my honor I will do my best, to take what they give me and steal the rest

I never realized that Rat was a politician……

Sounds like a Ferengi prayer.

Maybe tonight, he’ll pray for a million dollar mansion.

You can be religious without being spiritual, and you can be spiritual without having a relationship with God.

The Bezos-Musk prayer. Said by all Billionaires

If you stop and think about it, that’s actually a rather scary prayer in its original incarnation.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of others who “pray” like that. Or maybe it’s “prey” like that.

Pig should know better than to ask RAT anything profound!

Most TV evangelists from the ’80s probably said that prayer. Rat might have got it from the 700 Club or one of the PTL broadcasts, perhaps Dr Gene Scott when he was doing late night informercials.

So much for, “The love of money is the root of all evil.”

Now I lay me down to sleep; a bag of peanuts at my feet. If I should die before I wake, please give them to my brother Jake.

Fortunately, God sometimes (often) says “No.”

Hey! a universal nighty-night prayer! It can be used by both avaricious Capitalists AND government ensconced Socialists!

At least he recognizes that you can’t take it with you.

I got born into the material world

Getting worn out in the material world

Use my body like a car

Taking me both near and far

Met my friends all in the material world

.

George Hairysong

Manifestly required of all top ten percenters.

You can’t take it with you Rat.

Rat is a true believer … and worshipper at the shrine of the Almighty Buck.

Spiritual is not the word to describe you, rat.

Rat is really good at preying.

I never thought you were, Rat.

Kinda still thinking that, Rat. You are, in biblical terms, serving Mammon….

I am well aware that God needs as much of my money that I can give. So every pay day I take my money and throw it up into the air. WHATEVER god wants he can catch, and what I deserve will fall to the floor…