Free Range by Bill Whitehead for February 13, 2024

Their cups are made of cellulose acetate, a “tree pulp” based substance.

Of course our plantation had to destroy the habitat of a dozen species to make room for the coffee bushes.

Kopi Luwak is kinda both.

But, is it organic?

What a PITA

Yes, the plant is based in South America, where children work all day.

What an inane question.

This of course would only happen in an American coffee shop.

Ah, yes, our coffee brand is saving the rainforest.

But is it wood-fired roasted?

All the oil to transport it from harvest to roaster to customer is also pretty much plant based. Sounds like you’re good.

And how about the potato chips?

No our coffee is made with meat, you got a beef with that.

Is it gluten free?

Are you sure it’s not a fruit?

Yes, it is plant based and gluten free but it come from a planet that also processes peanuts.

But is it free-range? (Non; je ne regrette rien)

Gluten free too !

I roast as a hobby, used to sell to co-workers. Had one ask me if it was organic, my smart-ass answer was “Yes, it’s carbon based” – I then explained that the farmers I buy from were too poor to buy chemical fertilizers and too poor to pay for some useless certification, so yes it’s organic. One asked me what they used to fertilize it with, I said it’s likely night soil or animal dung.

You misunderstood…she wants coffee made in a factory…