Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for September 14, 2024

Long-Suffering Husbands Can Relate

(A husband and wife are browsing in our shoe shop. She picks up a pair of white shoes from the shelf.)

Wife: “These are perfect, but I want them in black.”

(Her husband picks up the identical black version situated right next to them and shows her.)

Wife: “No… I don’t like those.”

Husbands Against Humanity

(I’m explaining the game ‘Cards Against Humanity’ to a male friend while my husband plays on his computer nearby.)

Me: “There are black card and white cards. One person flips a black card and reads what it says. It is usually a question or a statement with blanks. Then everyone else looks at their white cards and picks what they think is the funniest to fill in the blank. The person who picks the funniest wins the round! I’ll grab two random cards as an example.”

(I grab one black card and one white card without looking.)

Me: “‘The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has just opened an interactive exhibit on BLANK.’ So then you reread it adding in the white card. ‘The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has just opened an interactive exhibit on My Vagi-na.’”

Husband: “I’ve been. It’s not worth the 50 cents.”

Not The Best Way To Keep The “Christ” In “Christmas”

It’s Christmas morning, and my husband and I are sitting in the living room sipping our coffee when there is a knock on the door. It’s a woman in very conservative attire. I am in my pajama shorts and a tank top with no bra. She takes this in and blushes, looking away.

Me: “Hello?”

Woman: “Merry Christmas, sister in Christ!” Tries to hand me a pamphlet “Will we be seeing you at the service today?”

Me: “Oh. No, thank you, we aren’t interested in church. Have a wonderful day, though, and Merry Christmas.”

I close the door, but before I can sit back down, she knocks again.

Woman: Through the door “The Lord wants you at church!”

Me: “And I want you off my property!”

Woman: Knocking louder “Miss, please, the Lord loves you and—”

Me: “I will answer that door as naked as your God made me!”

Husband: “Oh! Knock! Do it!”

The woman finally left, but not without putting a pamphlet in the door frame, a second under the wiper on my car, and a third in the mailbox. They were for a church miles away, one known locally for (allegedly) pressuring women into being unquestionably subservient to their husbands, and for (allegedly) looking the other way when a wife had an opinion and later showed up with a bruise or two.

My rock works tirelessly to help me.

If he “just sits there doing nothing”, he is like bedrock —

— the bedrock of her life.

Trade him for a tamagothci.

I don’t like this strip today. Nope, not at all.

I am a rock, I am an island

He’s afraid to open his mouth… ☺

Kind of like your plant in the corner…

nothing like starting the day with a little husband bashing, I wouldn’t do much for you either with your attitude

That’s because you complain about everything he does, so doing nothing is just less hassle.

Typical.

He’s enjoying being out of dungeon for a change.

If he were boulder, he would roll away.

But he’s her pet rock.

My man is my rock , on several levels, as well :D Love you, Dude!!

Mite want to check his heartbeat!!!!

He actually looks a little like Fred Flintstone.

Walt – her lava rock

And you sit there watching him doing nothing.