Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for September 25, 2024

We’re Sure She NEVER Gets Tired Of The Jokes

I used to work in a grocery store where the employees used walkie-talkies and earpieces to communicate with each other. I also happened to have a coworker with the same first name as a popular voice command program.

One evening, I was working at the checkout when closing time was approaching. We usually turned off half of the lights at that time to encourage the customers to finish their shopping. I paged said coworker between two customers.

Me: “[Coworker], you can turn off the lights now.”

Since she was close to the switch, it became noticeably darker in mere seconds.

Next Customer: Gasping, visibly amazed “Wow, you actually use that technology here?!”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him.

Celebrity Fades And So Does Our Patience

I work at a relatively hip and trendy restaurant in Los Angeles. While we might occasionally get a celebrity actor in here, most of the actor customers we do get are the smaller performers, such as those who do an episode of TV here and there. We also get actors who might have been in a regular TV show once but haven’t been seen for a while.

I get it acting can be a tough gig if you’re not an A-list movie star, but it doesn’t excuse certain behaviors.

I am working near the host stand for the restaurant when I overhear a customer complaining to the host. The customer hasn’t made a reservation and is upset they will need to wait half an hour. I recognize them as maybe being from a couple of movies I watched as a kid, but nothing recent.

“Celebrity” Customer: “Half an hour? That’s crazy! Don’t you know who I am?”

Host: “I know who you used to be. Everyone waits if they haven’t made a reservation, from Brad Pitt to… yourself.”

Only in LA…

Can I Get A Venti Nap With Extra Blanket Drizzle?

It’s been a long night shift, and I am in my final hour serving some morning customers. It’s a twenty-four-hour coffee shop on a college campus during finals week, where I am also a student, so we’re all a bit tired.

I am about to call out for an iced lavender latte, but my brain jumbles up the words and syllables, so I just yell into a packed finals-week coffee shop:

Me: “LICE!”

Everyone stops and looks at me; the whole store goes silent, I close my eyes, reorient my mouth and brain, and call out the correct drink.

Customer: “That’s me. No lice, right?”

My manager told me to take a break before I could respond.

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 52

I am searching for a specific item in a specific size. I have found and checked through every type of this item but can’t find the size I need so a member of staff has gone to the back to check for me. I am putting back all the items I have removed. Another customer walks over to me.

Customer: “I need to know where you keep [other item].”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know as I don’t work here.”

Customer: “But you’re putting away stock.”

Me: “Yes, just cleaning up a mess I made.”

The customer seems a little embarrassed that they’ve mistaken me for an employee and seems to be backtracking by blaming me for looking like staff:

Customer: “Why would you do that if you’re not staff? That’s for them to do!”

Me: “Because… it’s a nice thing to do?”

Customer: “So you don’t work here?”

Me: “No, just a customer like you.”

Customer: “Not like me! You wouldn’t catch me helping the staff!”

Me: “Okay, so you’re right, not a customer like you.”

“No” Really Should’ve Been Enough

I work as an assistant pastry chef, and due to the nature of my job, I don’t have weekends off. This can make it hard to see friends, especially as we all reach our late twenties and start doing things like getting married and having kids, but one of my old friends and I finally end up with the same day off.

We are going to see a movie, but we decide to get a drink first. Keep in mind, it’s like 6:00 pm on a Monday, so we’re two of maybe eight total people there, counting the bartender. We order our drinks, and my friend goes to use the bathroom while I wait by the bar. As I’m waiting for her, this dude who looks to be in his early thirties comes up to me.

Guy: “Hey, are you here alone tonight?”

Me: “No, I’m with a friend. She’ll be right back.”

Guy: Clearly not listening “Uh-huh. So, you have a boyfriend?”

Me: “Well, no, but—”

Guy: Cutting me off “Then how about I get your number?”

Me: “Oh, no, thank you.”

Guy: “Why not? You’re cute. I’m cute. We should hang out!”

Me: “Well, actually I—”

Guy: “Don’t try to pull the ‘Oh, I’m not looking for something right now,’ because I know that’s just an excuse. Why don’t I buy you a drink and we can chat?”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Guy: “Come on! You said you didn’t have a boyfriend! Why won’t you give it a chance?”

Bartender: “Hey, dips***! This is a lesbian bar!”

Why the row of flags in the front window didn’t tip him off is what I want to know!

In What World Has This Ever Been How Drive-Thrus Work?!

I am a teenager working in the drive-thru of a well-known fast food chain. A very cranky and difficult customer has come through the drive-thru, and I can hear her arguing with the order crew over the speakers. When she finally gets to me, I hand her the food.

Me: “Have a good evening, ma’am.”

She then continues to sit in the drive-thru window for another three or four minutes, refusing to move, and blocking all the traffic.

Me: “Oh, is there any problem with your food, ma’am? If not, can I please just ask you to drive down—”

The customer holds a half-eaten kid’s cheeseburger out of the window.

Customer: “This burger doesn’t have sauce on it!”

Me: “Oh, I’m awfully sorry. There must have been a mistake when placing your order because it’s been inputted as a cheeseburger with no sauce.”

Customer: “Oh, I know. I ordered it without sauce. But my son wants sauce on it now. So, you’re going to get me a new burger with sauce on it!”

Me: “Actually, I might get you my manager.”

I then handballed the customer onto my manager who eventually, but less than politely, asked her to leave.

When Technology Meets Technology

I work in tech support for a security company. We’d installed a feature-rich mixed security system (integrated alarm, access, and cameras) for this customer, and every Friday like clockwork, the system went crazy, and there was never anything wrong. The alarms went off every Friday at midnight, even when the building was empty.

After several weeks of this and more than one false 911 call, they were furious. I opted to head out the next day and visit them on Saturday morning.

The first thing I did was walk in and speak with the administrator for a while since I was early. She was busy compiling a bunch of fax receipts and reports from their big, industrial printer. She told me that these reports were all spit out at midnight on Fridays.

The heat-activated motion detector covering the foyer was picking up the hot paper and exhaust fans from the printer. I got up on a ladder and bent the detector mount a bit. It never false-alarmed again.

That Acronym Choice Is Regrettable

Customer: “Do you have any lactose-free cheese? Anything with lactose gives me RBF.”

Me: “Uh… RBF?”

Customer: “Yes, I get terrible cramps, and it comes out all messy.”

Me: “I think that’s just general lactose intolerance, but also when people do have, uh, bowel issues as a medical condition it’s called IBS; Irritable Bowel Syndrome.”

Customer: “Oh! I thought it was like irritable bowel syndrome but worse. Like regrettable bowel… something.”

They get their cheese and leave.

Coworker: “Anyone wanna tell them that RBS is Resting B**** Face?”

Great Balls Of Fire!

I work at a 24-hour Dunkin Donuts. Late one night a regular comes in who used to work here. I’m catching up with them when a customer comes in and puts in a large order. They’re preparing it at the back while I continue talking to the regular/ex-coworker.

Customer: “Hey! If you stopped f****** gossiping on the job I’d have my order by now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not actually the one preparing your order. They will have that ready for you as soon as—”

Customer: “—bull-s***! You’re just standing there talking and being lazy! Go back there and help!”

Before I can apologize again, the regular speaks up, making unbroken eye contact with the shouting customer:

Regular: “Dunkin Donuts fun fact: if you put munchkins through the toaster oven they come out as flaming balls… great for throwing at customers.”

Customer: “…better be out in less than a minute!”

His order was indeed out in less than a minute and it was a very quiet minute thanks to my regular! Since I no longer work there, I can also safely say we tested out (and confirmed!) his “fun fact”!

{giggle} She may have had an ambition attack. Hubby had one the other day before my PT lady came over. It’s quite clean in here now.

Good of you to come clean about it :)

Hey, I was kicked off a “social media platform” for acknowledging a relative’s asking if I reached out to her.

Aunty Acid as perfect “Susie Homemaker”? I…don’t…think…so!

They saw the sender and Knew it was Fake as self importance is.

Facebook would remove it for sure!

So, Aunty is in “Facebook Jail”.

……you were at the wrong house!!!

You should have taken pics and posted them to prove each accomplishment.

You shouldn’t post things like that to people who know you.

Actually that sounds like a fairly typical morning for my 91yo mom. She runs my wheels off!

Today is laundry day. I have the world’s slowest dryer. Still on the second half of the first washer load. I hang things to start the drying process so the poor machine doesn’t have to work as hard.

As any fake news should be Aunty.