Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for January 10, 2025

Bullet (And Litigation) Dodged

One of my friends had a girlfriend who was, to put it lightly, difficult to handle. To put it less lightly, she was vain, controlling, belittling, and the kind of narcissist who honestly believed that the world would simply change because she wanted it to.

My friend finally decided that he was going to break up with her. I saw him the day after and asked him how it went.

Friend: “Well, about as well as I could expect.”

Me: “That bad?”

Friend: “She said she’s going to sue me for abusing her by making decisions like this without her consent.”

Because of course, she was the kind of girl who’d expect you to get her permission before you could break up with her.

However, the best part was when my friend got a letter in the mail a couple of weeks later. The return address had the name “US Court System” but actually had his ex’s address below that, and inside was a plain printed letter that said, in short, that “court proceeds” were started against him, but they could be halted if he reversed his “ellipsis of judgment,” among several other completely wrong word choices.

He considered writing back with something like “Nice try,” but ultimately, he just shredded the letter and moved on. It has been three months now, and he hasn’t heard anything else about any “court proceeds.”

Vexed By The Ex’s Pecks

(My boyfriend used to go out with my best friend. They had a rather difficult break-up after she cheated on him. We’re still friends, but since their break-up, she hasn’t really spent much time with my boyfriend. My sister is claiming that she saw them together.)

Sister: “I’m telling you, I saw them together.”

Me: “Are you sure it wasn’t someone who looked like [best friend]?”

Sister: “It was her. They were at the mall together.”

Me: “Well, maybe they’re just trying to patch up their friendship. It’s fine, I trust him.”

Sister: “But, I saw him kissing her!”

Me: “I’ll show no mercy.”

(I’m in tears by the time my boyfriend comes home. He tries to hug me but I stop him.)

Me: “Were you out with [best friend] today?”

Him: “Yeah, I met up with her at the mall and we decided to put our past behind us to hang out for a bit.”

Me: “So, my sister was lying when she said she saw you kissing her?”

Him: “No… I… well; I kissed her cheek because she helped me with something.”

(He gets down on one knee and opens up a box from his pocket.)

Him: “She helped me pick this out for you.”

You’ve Been Axed From The Set

(I am working on a film set as a stunt fighter and as the fight choreographer. As a rule, I will be either a fighter OR the choreographer because you can’t safely oversee a fight scene if you’re in the middle of it, but I had a chance to have a nice gory death — axe to the face — early on day three and couldn’t resist. We shoot my death and I spend the next ten hours managing the battle scene and, by the time we wrap, I am exhausted and don’t bother going back to make up to get my prosthetics off and, since I am wearing my own armour, I hop in my car and head off. Then, I get randomly stopped by the police. A young officer swaggers over to my car, leans into the window, and says:)

Officer: “Holy f***! Are you okay? I can have an ambulance here right away! Oh, my God, what happened?!”

(That was when I remembered that I was still wearing the makeup from being murdered in the face with an axe. As I was exhausted from three sixteen-hour days of filming, instead of explaining to the officer that it was makeup from a film set, I just dug my hand into the wound and pulled off a huge chunk of makeup, which is when the officer barfed on my car. Apparently, he wasn’t ready to see someone with a massive facial wound dig their whole hand into the wound and tear off what appeared to be half their face.)

I know this isn’t an ex story but I couldn’t resist!

or maybe to show me I was better off without them already and thank Him for it

True. One can hope you’re not still stupid.

An uncomfortable episode rerun of ‘The Ex Files’.

Maybe God doesn’t like me or maybe He/She/It does because I’ve never had an Ex come back into my life.

Perish the thought!

Ex’s to me are exactly that…ex-post-facto.

….do not blame it on God!!!!!

Aunty, God isn’t seeing if you are still stupid, God is seeing how much more stupid you have become since the last time.

Sometimes that ex is a very busty blonde to show me that yes, I’m still stupid.

Moral of the story, don’t be stupid the first place. To paraphrase a certain song, take time to know them.

My wife of 42 years was my ex twice before we finally got in sync. Third time’s the charm!

Something something Ex-Lax…

I had an ex that tried that, I looked upwards and was going to ask God if he was messing with me but halfway through I stopped, looked downwards and told the devil to quit messing with me.

I am smarter now, so far.