Half Full by Maria Scrivan for August 16, 2023

everybody must get stoned

I’m about to date myself. There was one question unanswered: did she or didn’t she? Only her herpetologist knows for sure.

She should date the blind. She has something in common with Phyllis Diller – they hired the handicapped. Their hairdressers were blind.

She needs to stop saying “My eyes are up here.”

Have your dates carry a highly polished shield, and just look at your reflection. It worked for Perseus.

Just make sure they aren’t carrying a sword.

ask Stevie Wonder out

The snake drinking the wine has the right idea; every situation is better with wine.

You need to wait until the third date to let your hair down.

She always used to think something was wrong with them.

She’s starting to think it might be something about her.

Aaaacckk! Maybe use a conditioner so your snakes won’t be so wild!

If looking her in the eyes is the problem, mirrored sunglasses would fix it.

Notice where all those bites are, on a first date?…

It looks like they have a rock-solid relationship.

Maybe, he’s just a stone-cold bore.