Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for October 22, 2024

Just Another Day At Work

(It is Halloween; I am wearing clown makeup, a bright pink wig, and a bright orange shirt with our store’s logo on it in a HUGE font. A woman with a Bible in one hand and a cross in another comes up to me.)

Woman: “Do you work here?”

Me: “…yes.”

Woman: “YOU WILL ALL BURN IN HELL FOR SELLING THESE ITEMS CELEBRATING SATAN’S HOLIDAY!” turns to customers “…AND YOU WILL BURN FOR SUPPORTING THEM!”

Manager: over loudspeaker “Thank you for shopping at [Store]! All items are now 6.66% off for the next 6 minutes, 66 seconds. Thank you, and have a nice day!”

Katrina Still Ain’t Got Nothing On Me

(It’s 2005, and I’ve gone south to volunteer in a shelter after Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. One of the shelter residents is elderly and frail, and we are able to get her temporarily lodged in a local nursing home while we locate her family. She is from way down in the southwest part of the state, almost a hundred miles away. I am on the phone to a nurse at the home, explaining.)

Me: “We’re trying to find a way to get her home; unfortunately, she doesn’t have transport, and her family can’t come and get her. I’m going to be calling some of the churches in [Her Hometown] to see if we can arrange something.”

Nurse: “You’re at [Shelter], aren’t you?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Nurse: “Is [Deputy] there? Tell him to come talk to me.”

(There are a couple of local law enforcement personnel providing security at the shelter. The deputy in question is, in fact, on duty that day, and I call him to the phone. He is the size of a small truck, has a shaved head and a grim face, and looks like he eats live alligators for breakfast. He puts the phone to his ear and…)

Deputy: in a deep bass rumble “Hello?” suddenly his expression changes, as does his tone of voice “Yes, Mamma.”

(And that is how a little old lady got a ride home courtesy of the local sheriff’s office.)

I Can Be Anything I Want

Customer: “Do you sell stripper costumes?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “Stripper or hooker, whatever. I need it for a Halloween costume party.”

(I assume she’s dressing up herself for a party for adults.)

Me: “Why don’t you just go to a lingerie store? Or perhaps an adult store?”

Customer: “Well, they won’t be selling sizes that fit my kid. She’s six.”

But, what is IT?

It is all the things you think of but can’t explain that to others because you’ve lost your place in the conversation… what?

From the Internet, “ It Girl”:

An early literary usage of “it” in this sense is found in a 1904 short story by Rudyard Kipling (Traffics and Discoveries (1904) ‘Mrs Bathurst’), which contains the line “’Tisn’t beauty, so to speak, nor good talk necessarily. It’s just It. Some women’ll stay in a man’s memory if they once walk down a street.”

S*IT. Full of it. Yep.

That joke is so old my computer just groaned.

Did you check the junk drawer?

I hate when that happens.

whenever there is a computer problem at work we can’t find IT either, they just disappear

I preferred “That Girl”.

Purty soon……you will come across it!!!!!

Look behind you… ☺

Look in the case of Mad Dog 20/20 you keep stored in the pantry. That is where IT will probably be.

I can’t even remember what it was.

Charisma!!!

Perhaps you put IT on the shelf, alongside Carrie and Pet Sematary.

Try your bookcase.

i lost it in the last move…

I need to remember what “IT” is