Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for November 13, 2024

The High Cost Of Lazy Reading

I’m in my office when I get a message.

Coworker: “Incoming!”

Literally a second later, our regional commercial manager calls me.

Manager: “[My Name], why are our material costs this month £2.5 million?!”

Me: “I don’t know where you’ve got that number from.”

He shares his screen with me and moves his cursor over to the number. I stare, dumbfounded.

Manager: “Well? Can you explain, please?!”

Me: “That’s the project code.”

It’s silent for a couple of seconds before he hangs up.

A couple of minutes later, I get another message.

Coworker: “OMG, I’m trying so hard not to laugh. Literally three people tried telling him he was looking at the wrong box, and he completely ignored them. So embarrassing. I’m gonna have to run to the toilet before I wet myself!”

[Manager] refused to look me in the eye the next time he saw me.

accompany that with a fart and voila! a recipe for a movie!

A Big Spicy Mayo No No

Customer: “I need your help! I’m looking for [brand] of spicy mayo!”

Me: “It can be found on aisle nine, top shelf in the middle.”

Customer: “I know! I was just there! The label said it should be there, but it’s not! You haven’t put them where they should be!”

Me: “That’s a bit strange. I remember restocking that this morning.”

I go to the aisle, customer in tow.

Customer: “See! It’s not here! Just some of this weird stuff!”

Now I am very confused, because I see nothing but the spicy mayo exactly where they’re supposed to be. A few are turned backward, and the label faces the back of the shelf. I turn them the right way so that the label is now clear.

Customer: Instantly angry and embarrassed. “How was I supposed to know it was there?! You just turned the bottles the wrong way to confuse people! You probably do it on purpose to make fun of us!”

Me: “Ma’am, no we would never do that! We try and limit interactions with angry customers.”

I realized how I sounded after I said it, but I think it worked as the customer grabbed their spicy mayo and stormed off.

Use Any Language Just Not Bad Language

Customer: “I was just talking to your cashier over there and they didn’t do a very good job of helping me.”

Me: “Oh, it could be she didn’t understand what you were looking for. She’s still working on improving her English.”

Customer: “Well, last I checked this was America—”

Before she could say anything else I interject:

Me: “—Where there is no official language.”

That shut her up real quick!

Ketchup With This Kid’s Energy!

There was a new kid at my work who was fourteen years old. We’re (technically) not allowed to eat while working, but we can drink. (Hydration is important!)

This guy had some fries at the back. He decided he wanted to dip the fries in ketchup, and he went to the front to pump some ketchup into a container. Our boss saw him doing this.

Boss: “What are you doing with that ketchup?”

New Kid: “Uh…”

Then, he drank the whole ketchup cup.

You Will Not Find This Story Touching

I worked at a grocery store during the height of lockdowns, social distancing, and mask mandates. Thanks to all these distractions, so many people tried everything they could to steal.

One day I spot this kid loading up a cart with almost $3000 of liquor and trying to make a mad dash.

Technically, we cannot touch them, but my amazing coworker stopped the CART he was pushing and literally did the “naughty naughty” finger waggle at him!

Kid: “Stop! You can’t touch me! Get out of my way!”

Coworker: “Not touching you.”

Kid: Shouting loudly for everyone to hear. “Assault! This employee is touching me!”

Me: Shouting from my desk. “I saw the whole thing. Nobody touched you; we touched the cart.”

The kid saw me watching, literally slumped his shoulders down, hung his head and walked out.

{hand raised at half staff} It depends on the moment. Some make me laugh uproariously.

I started working with PC’s when they first came out in the 70’s, selling/supporting software, and got a call from someone saying they needed to speak to Ms Dos. I said there was no one here by that name, and they said “Well, it says right here on the instructions that I need to have MS DOS before beginning to install!”

Shame on me for seeing the dark humor when people have remarked about the person lying in his casket, “He looks good, doesn’t he?”

I can’t rise my hand… I don’t have this bad habit, I have this GOOD and HEALTHY habit.

Some things are seriously funny.

done best on The Mary Tyler Moore show when Chuckles the Clown died

Aunty, just to clarify things, we are not laughing with you, we are laughing at you.

In my job as the “PC Guy”, I’ve had some odd encounters, but one does stand out. I’m in an office, working on this guy’s PC, when he tells me he is very upset at having to use this “awful machine”. I ask “why is it awful?” He says “I hate the way it keeps displaying Icons!” Apparently he was very religious, and…

( –‸ლ)

At the movies……….

I tend to laugh when I hear certain politicians speak and then it hits me, “Wait a minute, he really means it!”

Is she wearing an Atlanta Braves hat and making a statement like that?

Well not in front of them. I wait until they are away, then snicker and say glad I’m not them. I mean I have some decorum.

That’s why I never approach the casket, in fact I sit way in the back. I was raised Roman Catholic and I’m old enough to remember when the Roman church did not allow cremation.

Christmas Eve service at brudder’s church when the children’s orchestra and band played Hark The Herald Angels Sing. Brudder and I were told to leave by his wife until we could behave like adults. We never got back in.

Who gives a darn about ANY mayo?

Guilty! Both of my hands are up!

define “serious moment”… ☺

I often do laugh or make dark jokes (more the latter). I blame the Army for “teaching” me that.

Not sure how often it really happens, but I’ve heard stories of people laughing at funerals. It’s actually a mental “thing”