Non Sequitur by Wiley Miller for August 07, 2013

you should check online first, it’ll only take a second!

The printed newspaper has been shot dead for awhile now.

Scorpio: You stare adversity in the face and dare it to shoot down your plans. Don’t let the little things get to you.

Squad Leader: “Oh, sorry, that’s yesterday’s paper. Here, hold this while I run to the newsstand.”

Horoscope? That’s about as reliable as the U.S. Constitution these days.

You will join the big shots….

I always get Horoscope Alerts from Yahoo!, which are too vague to be of any use.

Aquarius- “You are a large lizard-like creature, with a series of yellow under-bellies….”

Maybe check the obits….They usually do those in advance…..Can I see the sports section…?

His horridscope should read: there is no longer any mention of you…anywhere.

Considering 1/12th of the world’s population shares your horrorscope every day, you can’t expect too much personalized detail!

Maybe he should check the obituaries?

I checked with five palm readers and got 5 different reports, I wonder which one was the real me?

At least they are not using bananas.They fire and all they hear is “clicks”“OHHHHHHH! Were we suppose to load the guns first??”I am surprised however no one has mentioned Obama about this. (Oh I did.)Guard: “Do you have any requests?”Prisoner: “Yes. I request not to be shot and sent home.”Guard: “Well we have to grant last requests. Off you go.”

Ron, You better ask Nancy.

It does…it says “a whole new world of opportunities awaits you today”.

Well, it does say “You will be going on a long journey”.

Avoid arguments with men carrying automatic weapons.

Good Day to give up Smoking

Western astrologers claim I am a Taurus, even though the sun was in that long extension of Pisces and hadn’t even entered Ares when I was born. Asian astrologers say my sign is the cock. I think the whole thing is a cock and bull story and sounds fishy.

It’s covered under the part that says “today you will experience a life-changing event.”

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life .”Blew that one didn’cha!

Just once I wish my horoscope were half right! but since it is just a writers assignment…..no chance of that happening.