Last Kiss by John Lustig for February 10, 2014

“I shell never love you now.”

“No, I won’t ‘French’ you!”

I’d slug you, but you stepped on my pet slug, too!

You hurt my pet, be more cautious, silly boor!

“I know Slimy intimidated you, but you were perfectly adequate.”

What kind of monster does such a slimy thing to a gentle gastropod? No escargot for you tonight, not a chance in SNAIL!

“You’re carrying your homophobia too far.”

“I will have mine with lashings of garlic and butter, then.”

That was dinner, lummox!

“You crushed my heart and my best friend! You can escargot to….”

That’s it, Rodney’s nailed me for the last time! We’re through!

You slime!

“He was the only decent man in my life”

“Excuse me, but I have a funeral to arrange and you’ll be the snail-bearer”

You slimy beast! I’ll slug you for that!

I do’nt like snails and snaks and I never would take them as a pet. As pet I prefere dogs, cats or guinea pig! Or tigers!!

“That was my Achatina achatina…… it was 15 inches long. I hope your feet aren’t the largest thing I’ll see today.”

“And how are you going to turbo me now?”

So, you were the one that squashed my lover with the bulldozer!!!

Escar, go I’m not in the mood for dinner now! Escar, GO!

Just wait till I get my hands on your snake!

Now there are no hors d’oeuvres

Now you know why I won’t let you walk on the bed.

Escargot!You’re escargone!

Your house is next.

If only the rest of you was as big as those feet!

Escar-get out of my life!

Daedalus was going to buy that snail! I trained it to go through shells.

How would you like me to manhandle your mollusk?

That ‘twas Brillig you stepped on, and now he’s only a slithy tove! Beware the Jabberwock!

You cad… No sex till after the appetizers

You’re the only thing slimier than he was…

ooey gooey was a worm, but my snail was a male!

Why, I oughta slug you!

Escar-come, escar-go

You really stepped in it now, pal.

Escargot Numb-nuts!

“Let’s see how you like when I step on YOUR snail… with my six inch stilletos!”

Just to throw something into the ring. Not my words but one of my favorite funny groups.“Don’t crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.”Apalonia Avenue 1/4 mile………..

You killed my snail, so much for tail.

My friends warned me you were a home-wrecker!

I don’t want to see you again! Get in your S-Car and GO!

Just get into your S car and go!

“No shellfish for you tonight!”

5 second rule…you get the butter, I ll get the garlic

“You can forget about my clam too!”

I didn’t mean it literally when I said that when Sluggo got to know you he’d get stuck on you. Now get in your S car and go!

No, I will not have make up sex with you! That would be like spreading salt on a wound.

You’re a total, absolute, SLIMEBALL!

All right, I get it! You don’t want escargot for dinner…..

“You slimy footed, no good …”

As big a slime as you are, you will never replace my slimy Stealth Slug Sammy

Your feet aren’t SAFE & I don’t trust your other parts, Rod.

At least IT only left a little trail of slime

You’re brother worships the snail! I hope it’s tracks on the sofa will be a reminder of what you are missing when we’re gone.

You Creep! Now I supposed you will rub salt into his wounds!

Now I must step on your snail!

You can escar-GO!

First the escargot for dinner, now this! I’m beginning to think you’re not a snail-person, at all!

Snail you latter!

“That “sole food” joke just added insult to injury. Now you won’t be invited to my snail’s funeral."

“It wasn’t bad enough you killed my beloved snail, but then you had to wipe your shoe on the Persian carpet!?!”

Rodney go go escargot

No, I certainly do NOT find it “romantic” that the smell of your shoe reminds you of having sex with me!

Great! How is anyone going to find me without my snail’s trail?!?

Great! No one will see the escargot driving home tonight!

Now it’s my turn and your pet slug!

I said “you need to break out of your shell”

You ruined both the playtime and the hors d’oeuvres!

“You just killed my mentor on how to leave trails.”

Would you trod upon our love as callously?

My God, imagine if I had a cat!

“You stepped on something small and unattractive of mine. It is only fair that I step on something small and unattractive of yours. Remove your pants Rodney.”

“No more snail trail for you!”

Well sir ! That was disgusting turn of events.

Ughh, you stepped on “Rocket”, he looks disgusting now, hrrmmpp eww, bile.

Take your shoes off, you’re sliming up the carpet.

I didn’t say our relationship was moving too fast, I said YOU were moving too fast.

Yes, I did say I wanted my friend to break out of his shell. But this isn’t that friend.

Oh no! Today was his birthday and I was going to put out a beer for him in a salt rimmed glass.

No!! His slime mucus was the best lubricant!

“It’s OK. I was thinking of eating him, but I prefer fast food.”

I know I told you I wanted escargot, but I didn’t expect you to use my pet snail to make it,

Him: Where else was I going to find snails in the mountains in the middle of winter?

“An eye for an eye and a slimy, shriveled pest for a slimy, shriveled pest! Prepare to be emasculated Rodney!”

PETA will hear about this, and lock you in a cage full of grumpy skunks.

Crush my snail,Make me wail,You awful male!

Imbecile! When I said “Step on it and make this S car go!” I meant to drive your Saturn fast.

Happy now? That’s the last snail trail you will see this lifetime.

That was my favorite sex toy!

You killed my lubricant, you bass-tard!

“No guts-No glory, too bad they weren’t YOURS!”

That “just a snail” was an intergalactic warlord and this weeping angel statue is his assassin bodyguard.Don’t look away.Don’t blink.

Accident?!! That’s what you said when you slept with my sister!

SHE: “Damn you Rodney! That snail was more than just a pet to me! This one time, at Band Camp ….”HE: (thought balloon) “She is so hot when her voice is laced with bile!”

Accident my ass! You never did like Jaba!

And I don’t find your “Look at that S Car Go” joke funny either!

Beast! You never really liked my escargot!

Quelle horreur!That was my lunch, you imbécile.

And Now I suppose you want the recipe for Escargot!

How would you like your slug stepped on

if i wanted something slimy on your shoe, i’d put it between my legs…

Frankly Rodney I don’t give a slime

“That’s NOT the only slippery little thing you will NEVER SEE AGAIN!”

She: You mashed my mollusk!He: No, I tried, but you slapped me!

Don’t assume that you, my pet, are much better than a snail!

How ironic! You were hoping to waltz right in here and ‘shag’ something sticky and moist. Well guess what? Your dream came true. My poor little Poopsie … Now clean up my carpet and then GET OUT!!!

You gave my sweet little snail the boot so now I’m giviing you the boot! We’re through!!

My snail!!!! Well you can just Es Car goi

“You simply could have told me you didn’t like escargot!”

You supersonicidioticbraininffecteddisconnectedsuperduporretard! Now I’ll have to start my escargot business all over again.

“YOU’RE DISGUSTING, RODNEY!” As always, you show up thinking you’re going to get a little nookie. Well, you finally got what you wanted. Just check the bottom of your shoe! My poor little Nookie …"

Why Rodney Why?Rodney: Sorry, it all happened so fast.

You were always jealous that he owned his own house!

“NOOOO!!! Look what you’ve done, you … you … Bad Boy!!! Get down on your hands and knees NOW and tend to my carpet!!”

“INCREDIBLE!!! Last week you sat on my pet crayfish. Now you step on my snail. Well, you listen to me, Mister!! I’m not going to let you anywhere near my clam!!”

Nail my male snail? I’ll jail your pale tail!

“THAT is mahogany!!”

“That crunching you hear is the sound of my heart breaking, mister!”

“LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!! My pet snail, Jack, is dead! You prematurely ‘offed’ Jack!! Now get a tissue and clean up your mess!!!”

You heartless slime! I should slug you and rub salt in the wound!

“You heartless brute! He was so tiny, and slimy, and… and he reminded me of YOU!”

“So, Rodney, you thougtht we were going to fool around tonight, huh? A little Hanky Panky? Well, you were right! See that mess you made on the floor? GET OUT YOUR HANKY!!!”

You cad! Still auditioning for the lead in “Death of a Snailsman”?

“That’s it. No appetizers for you Friday night at Le Perigord!”

“Rodney, you jealous slime! When did you find out that I was training him to be your replacement?”

“You heartless brute! Five more payments and he would have been mine!”

You think you’re so hot, Rod, but your torrid feet just froze my heart.

“Rodney, you heartless swine! How could you? Did you never suspect that he was… YOUR OWN SON?”

“There goes our three-way! I hope you’re happy!”

“YOU CLUMSY OAF!!! I told you to be careful with her on the dance floor! Did you have to do the twist??”

“Some dance instructor you are, Rodney! I will NEVER EVER let another pet take tap lessons from you!!!”

UNBELIEVABLE!! I warned you. I told you not to do it … AND YOU DID IT ANYWAY!! I said, “Rodney, it’s too dangerous playing Twister with a snail!!”

Oh well, that’s the way the escargot….

Get out, Rodney – NOW!!!

If the escar-goes, YOU go!

YOU KILLED GARY!!!!!

How dare you?! How would you like it if I had Cupid crush your shells?

Wipe your feet!! What are your going to stomp on next? My heart!!

“That’s the last time I ask you to pet sit!!!”

How could you be so unmerciful? We’ll see it how feels to have your univalve unduly undone.

“NO, we ARE NOT going to eat him!!! I don’t have any garlic or butter in the fridge!!!”

“Yeah, he was a little slow but he did not deserve the boot!!”

“You were jealous of him … said that I was spending too much time with him. Well, I had to. He moved so damn slow!!!”

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