The Argyle Sweater by Scott Hilburn for December 14, 2019

Finally, a good use for holiday fruitcake!

Just don’t shoot between the loaves.

As Founder, CEO, and President of the American Fruitcake Anti-Defamation League, I protest!!

(Annual memberships $25 a year. Cash only.)

It’s been so long since I’ve had actual fruitcake that I can’t remember what I thought of it.

Some brands you could use as a door stop!!

Fruitcake vests are recommended by the Keystone Cops.

Better yet, tell any would-be perpetrators that the daily meals in prison are fruit cakes.

“I think we have a law suite here.” “You said the officer hit with a fruitcake.”

I hope he’s a good shot. A ricochet could kill someone.

…I think y’er gonna need a bigger gun…

…and remember, hitting someone with a fruitcake is a class 1 assault if it isn’t in self defense!

Does it come with a warning….?

Plus, you’ve got a tasty treat to sustain you while waiting for the EMTs to arrive.

Advertised as “The Fruitcake Capital of the World.”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Claxton_Bakery

Who knows? They might be correct. It is a pretty low bar, truth be told.

There are 2 types of fruitcake: dark and light. I wouldn’t give 2 figs for the light one, all dry and crumbly. But the dark, moist and rich, I could eat all year long.

That’s the weight of like 16 Kevlar vests.

They’ll take away his fruitcake when they pry it from his cold, dead fingers. ;)

I really don’t understand this abhorrence of fruitcake. I love fruitcake and miss my late great grandmother’s yearly fruitcake. But a lot of folks hate it for some reason. I bake cookies during the holidays to give as gifts, and I also send some to work with my husband. One of the cookies is called a fruitcake cookie, mostly because it has many of the same ingredients as a fruitcake. None of my husband’s coworkers would touch them. But, when I re-labeled them as “Holiday Light” cookies, his coworkers couldn’t eat them fast enough and asked him to have me make more. So maybe people who don’t like fruitcake have never eaten it.

You shot him!

Well he was acting like a fruit cake!

R.I.P. poor officer Donahue. His fruitcake had a soft spot.

Back in the day, my sister and I sent a fruit cake our mother made us back and forth cross-country as a gag gift at Christmas for about 7 years. It only stopped when the box got crushed at the Post Office. It still made a great door stop.

I love Claxton fruitcakes out of Georgia !

I remember mom started making fruit cakes about October. Several were sent to friends and family. One or two were placed in special containers and dark rum was added. Christmas time those came out. Dark, moist and ohhh so good.I’ve contemplated attempting to make one or two, yet even following her recipe I don’t think I could measure up to hers. Even after helping her make hers for years.

Tomorrow, Officer Donohue’s newly minted widow will sue us for wrongful death…

This is not what you told Aunt Lorraine. The rest of the family is also in deep s—t.

We like the Trappist Abbey Monastery fruitcakes made by monks in Oregon. As someone else said, the dark type that’s been soaked and aged in brandy is the best, imo.

Fruitcake is like every other food. The recipe is either good or bad. My mom had a wonderful recipe that was mostly nuts with just enough candied fruit for color and as moist as can be. Others are pretty dang disgusting.

Well, I’ll wear my Kevlar vest over the top and see if the round’s force is better distributed than a point force which breaks ribs, thank you.

Irish Fruitcake Recipe

Ingredients1 cup of water1 tsp. baking soda1 cup of sugar1 tsp. salt1 cup of brown sugarlemon juice4 large eggsnuts2 cups of dried fruit1 bottle Johnnie WalkerInstructionsSample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.Take a large bowl, check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.Repeat.Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.Turn off the mixerer.Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.Mix on the turner.If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.Add one table.Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.Greash the oven and piss in the fridge.Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.Don’t forget to beat off the turner.Throw the bowl through the f**king window.Check the whisky again and go to bed.

Anyone notice the spaces between the fruitcakes?

I guess Aunt Lorraine isn’t about to win any awards for her baking? My mother’s cake, even sponge, was much the same.

… and the bonus is you can still eat it afterwards without noticing any difference between the “fruit” and the bullets!

I’m rather inclined to think you’d have to BE one, to try that.