Close to Home by John McPherson for April 01, 2021

Okay St. Peter, I see Bleeb has made it in, but Dalcon is waiting at the gate to make trouble. Keep your eyes peeled.

That is if you didn’t already poke your eyes out with scissors.

That’s why I’m still alive. I’ve NEVER ran with scissors.

People who run with scissors aren’t the SHARPEST tools in the box, eh? ;D

I had an art teacher who had a very dramatic speech about a student who ran with scissors, ending up with end of the scissors moving to the beat of his heart and her agonizing over whether to pull them out. (She left them in for expert surgical extraction.)

Is Dalcon holding a pair of scissors?

Also the title of Augusten Burroughs’ hilarious 2002 ‘memoir’…

“And, speaking of your mother, you must have stepped on a crack.”

i couldn’t help myself. i was listening to Weird Al, next you know, here i am……..

One way to clip ones wings…

I wanted to run with Scissors, but she chose a different running mate.

I only ran with kindergarten safety scissors!

At his age? Whoa…

It’s a miracle he lived as long as he did!

And it looks like Dalcon has a pair in his (?) hand.

I wrote to the IOC and suggested that they replace the baton in the relays with scissors. It would double the viewership. “Cut it out”, they said. Fine, but you’ll need to return the scissors I enclosed with the letter. Ungrateful bastages. :(

I didn’t have a problem running with scissors. It was the falling down that got me. I mean really, in all the time of being an adult, how often do you fall down running?

He never ran with scissors, it was the table saw and last little piece of trim that needed to be cut.

B-but Weird Al told me…..

What is Bleeb holding? It couldn’t be . . . scissors? If it is, don’t run Bleeb!

Well, I’m here so that must have been the worst thing I did.

Yes, People!! Listen to your Mother!! No matter how old you are.

Don’t forget Bazookas. Don’t run with them either……

He also didn’t pay attention when his mom told him not to stand shin-deep in snow, wearing a hospital gown! Wait! Oh, now I get it! シ

I’ll bet his mom told him not to leave the house wearing dirty underwear because you might be an accident running with scissors while crossing your eyes and sticking your tongue out! And all this happened because you sat too close to the TV!

SEE! I TOLD YA THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

Yes, my mother always told me not to run with scissors for at least 45 minutes after eating.

8 billion people in the world and 8 deaths from scissors? Reprimand the DUIs. You’ll be busy will day!

St. Peter better have his wings checked out. They’re looking kind of droopy.

Arthur: “It’s at times like this I wish I’d listened to my mother.”

Ford : “Why, what did she say?”

Arthur: “I don’t know, I never listened.”

—Douglas Adams (R.I.P.)

Just why is that supposed to be funny?

My Mother was never around to tell me that, but some how I survived.

I want to hear his words to CINOs (Christians In Name Only) when they try to get in.

Running with scissors never hurt anybody . It’s the falling and colliding while running. Still, it would be a good idea to do background checks of scissor athletes. :)

Sorry, Dalcon, but you aren’t getting Bleeb today; only good little aliens get in past those gates.

I see Bleeb made it to Heaven