Basic Instructions by Scott Meyer for May 28, 2021

Don’t forget the goalie mask.

Long-sleeved welders leather gauntlets. Unlined or optionally padded and insulated. Available at most tool or veterinarian supply distribution centers.

Pill pocket.

To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction, and a cat. The last ingredient is usually the hardest to come by. — Stephen Baker

And I remember reading this funny one about giving a pill to a cat:

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

…Continued

When I met Her, She had a cat (and I married Her anyway; now that’s love!) that constantly mistook a potted tree for its house-stinking box. I asked a crazy-cat-lady friend how to handle it. “When it happens, grab the cat & put a drop of Tabasco on its tongue; won’t take more than 2 or 3 times.”

Cat pooped in the plant, I grabbed it & put Tabasco on its tongue.

Cat pooped in the plant again, I grabbed it, picked up the Tabasco – and the damn nasty critter turned into a ball of razor blades.

She got rid of the plant (which was the wrong thing to jettison, if’n ya wuz to ask me).

The only medicine I ever gave a cat was a gel for her to lick from my fingers. She must have liked the taste, and it tickled me.

My cat saw my dog take his meds like the good boy he was for so long that by the time she was on meds she would literally sit and wait for it. I would drop it in back of her throat, give a few downward strokes under her chin, and call it a day.

How to give a cat a pill:

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

(continued)

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.Tie the little !!#@#$%’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

Wrap it in cheese.

Intravenous medication + dart gun. Works every seventh time.

Yeah … my first time owning a cat, knowing essentially (the key word here) nothing about them, it got into something that caused it to smell horrible. So I had the clever idea of just holding it up in the shower to get it wet and bath it. I’m not exactly sure how it missed the major veins in my wrist, but I did discover how deep a puncture wound they could cause with their teeth. Plus it peed all over me. It wasn’t particularly helped by my wife laughing like a maniac while I bled all over my shirt. At least I was standing in the shower so the mess was contained.

So what would happen if a person made a pill into powder and mixed it in with it’s food, would the cat eat it then? (Just wondering.)