Ripley's Believe It or Not by Ripley’s Believe It or Not! for January 16, 2022

Driver suddenly turns at the fork in the road barely missing the spoon by a fraction of an inch, or in this case, the thickness of a knife.

Now and then someone points out that my joke du jour is ancient – meaning that the pointer-outer has heard it before. Well, tonight’s story is both true and original; you’ve never heard it until now. Read on!

I get the same scam calls everyone else does. Not long ago I received a call from a man with a thick Indian accent telling me “This is Microsoft Windows calling. Your computer is spewing spam all over the place — I need you to go to your computer right now!”

I said, “There must be some mistake.”

“No, Sir, no mistake — your Windows computer is out of control!”

“But I have a Mac.”

Dead silence. Then, after a few seconds had passed, he said, “One moment, please. I will transfer you to that department.” 

At that point I simply hung up, laughing.

rub-a-dub-dub, a married couple in a tub

(how does one distill bone?)

The NBA scouts are already headed for Nigeria.

Well, here’s a joke about transportation in Heaven, of all places.

A cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says “You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don’t worry, you’ll be accepted in — only you won’t get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage”

Confused the man asks “I get a car though?”

St Peter replies “Of course. Everyone needs a car in heaven to get around. Only you’ll be receiving a beat up old Ford Pinto.”.

Meanwhile the man sees a couple of his old friends receiving their cars. The first guy had one minor affair during a rough patch in his marriage and was given a nice Toyota Camry. The second guy is granted a brand new Lamborghini for never even thinking about another woman other than his wife.

All of a sudden, inside heaven, the man with the Ford Pinto starts crying.

Concerned, his two friends check on him to ask him why he’s so sad.

He points to his wife who is riding around on a pair of roller skates.

Until next time.

The Northwest Angle also makes us the northern most state of the lower 48.

Eh… What’s cooking, doc?

I’ve heard of marriages going to pot, but this takes the cake.

If it’s Minnesota, it’s not Canada. So it cannot be INSIDE Canada.

And then Chinonso was returned to the day room.

Take care, may famed crackpot Orfal “We Grind Them You Snort Or Drink We Don’t Care” Barnord be with you, and gesundheit.

I like my distilled human skulls with a mango rum chaser

The Minnesota map mistake is a fascinating story, basically based on unskilled surveyors from the 18th century. You would think Canada and the US would have corrected this “mistake” a long time ago. There’s really nothing in that section of land except a lot of trees.

Pot left over from Cannibal days !

How can you distill a human skull? There’s no moisture in a skull. :-/

What was the percent alcohol (ABV?) of those skulls?

As I have stated before, I don’t have a source for jokes except for my memory of ones that I have heard before and I just remembered this one! It involves Pierre a famous WW1 flying ace who has a beautiful young can can girl in his room who is lying on his bed wearing nothing but a beautiful smile! Pierre approaches the bed with a bottle of cognac and proceeds to pour a small amount onto a part of her anatomy which I will leave to your imagination! She says “Oh Pierre you are such a wonderful lover!” Pierre says "But of course mon cherie and proceeds to strike a match and ignite the cognac! The young lady screams in terror “PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Pierre says “When Pierre goes down, he goes down in flames!” As do I! Jofers down and out!

That item about Minnesota’s Northwest Angle is poorly worded. It is connected to the rest of Minnesota via part of Lake of the Woods, so it’s not strictly an exclave. But, it does qualify as a pene-exclave: The only overland route between Northwest Angle and the rest of Minnesota is through Canada.

This was a problem during the pandemic when the U.S. Canada border was closed. Except, in winter, people can flow a path to drive over the frozen Lake of the Woods.

And how does one distill a human skull???

How does one distill bones?

The same way you would distill wheat or barley or hops, grind them up and mix them with water, sugar and yeast.

Those Middle Ages Europeans were doing so because they hadn’t yet discovered that Arabs were using hospitals and pretty much a lot of the medical practices we know today.

The thought of drink skull juice, would make me feel better PDQ.