An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were honored that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?”
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go, too.”
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish the time zones.“Why?” Putin asks him.
-"Ah, I can’t find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, Last week I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.
“Well, these are just minor issues”, Putin answered him.
“JUST MINOR ISSUES?!! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the Polish president on board? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn’t taken off yet!!”
Reminds me of that bookworm in 8th grade who went on to become a g.o.a.t.
Take care, may esteemed tuxedo fitter Richard “Listen You Savages These Ruffles Are About My Being So Very Macho On The Inside” Blackwellord be with you, and gesundheit.
Everyone loves the bee’s knees, but penguin knees never caught on. Maybe they need to take a chapter out of the buffalos playbook and call them wings instead.
eromlig about 2 years ago
This one is a “contrast” joke to some of my longer offerings…
An elderly man visits a doctor. As they finish up, the doctor says, “You’re in great health. Why, I bet you’ll live to be ninety!
“I am 90,” the old guy answers.
“See?” the doc says. “What did I tell you?”
jasonsnakelover about 2 years ago
Khufiya San One time I was 3.28 miles big. One time I was 110 days, 23, hours, 24 minutes old.
May the Lord be with you.
Charlie Fogwhistle about 2 years ago
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were honored that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?”
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go, too.”
Until next time.
Charlie Fogwhistle about 2 years ago
Speaking of the Russians:
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish the time zones.“Why?” Putin asks him.
-"Ah, I can’t find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, Last week I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.
“Well, these are just minor issues”, Putin answered him.
“JUST MINOR ISSUES?!! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the Polish president on board? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn’t taken off yet!!”
Until next time.
J. R. M. about 2 years ago
Reader’s Digest? Anyone?
kucpa Premium Member about 2 years ago
Talk about eating your words…
Huckleberry Hiroshima about 2 years ago
Reminds me of that bookworm in 8th grade who went on to become a g.o.a.t.
Take care, may esteemed tuxedo fitter Richard “Listen You Savages These Ruffles Are About My Being So Very Macho On The Inside” Blackwellord be with you, and gesundheit.
WCraft Premium Member about 2 years ago
Why is everyone so surprised that we have knees? How do you think we bend over? Sheeeshhhh!
mindjob about 2 years ago
If I had to eat a book, I’d make sure it was a tasty romance novel in paperback
artegal about 2 years ago
Where is this International Edible Book Festival held, and why haven’t I head about it before now?
Buckeye67 about 2 years ago
Of course penguins have knees, if they didn’t they would walk funny.
Stephen Gilberg about 2 years ago
But do they cook the books?
Carl Rennhack Premium Member about 2 years ago
I like penguins, except the ones from Pittsburgh! GO NY RANGERS!
moondog42 Premium Member about 2 years ago
That’s an average speed of 1.23 miles per hour. Maybe they should find someone who can run the mile in 4 minutes (15 mph) to run that course instead.
6turtle9 about 2 years ago
Everyone loves the bee’s knees, but penguin knees never caught on. Maybe they need to take a chapter out of the buffalos playbook and call them wings instead.