The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 08, 2022

Uh huh

Exhale, and hold it.

OK: those two pounds and three Onces won’t do much off of 230 pounds.

You must have worn 5 or 6 pounds of clothing and hardware.

Same…

Dr. I. C. U. Naked at the nudist colony is accepting new patients.

Geez, the hoops you have to go through just to pick your kid up at school! Sure there’s a contagious pandemic going around but aren’t the school nurses getting carried away with their fastidious control? Just what does your weight have to do with spreading viruses?

I went to the doc yesterday. I made sure I put my 37-pound cell phone to the side before I stepped on the scale.

every ounce counts. ;)

If it was a talking scale it would say “one at a time please”

water weight…

Shower twice more and skip the deodorant and any hair accessories today. Consider a fresh bob.

That’s the first thing my doctor’s office does. Weighing someone first tends to make them more contrite when the doctor lectures you on what you need to change.

Blow your nose and exhale.

That double breakfast at the “All You Can Eat Buffet” is telling on you.

Did she forget to use the laxative, that’s probably 5 pounds right there.

Can’t blame her for trying. Seems to be the worst part of a Medical exam for a lot of us, regardless of what we are there for….

How recently did she, um, go to the potty?

Wrong approach, add as much weight as you can, then when you come back in a month or so.. after being reprimanded.. you can show real results.

And donated blood! Twice!

I got tired of getting on a scale, especially after seeing sweaty wet footprints from the person before me. As it was, I had already given up the game and carried my purse, book, whatever I had with me and sometimes they would remind me to remove my coat and/or shoes. Any doctor can look at you and guess your weight within a couple of pounds, also your age, as they do that all day long. I finally said that I would tell them my morning weight when I come in and we can skip the scale. The nurse said that was the better way to do it anyway. I never lie, as that would only hurt me, not the staff.

Having been a child abuse social worker, I could guess kids’ ages almost always within 3 months. I had to verify birthdates and ages of all the children I saw.

My doctors have some of the meanest scales around!

The requirement of weighing would be fulfilled by placing only one foot on.

I like to weigh myself while wearing next to nothing. But, when going in for my physical, which is coming up soon, I like to weigh at home before weighing at the doc’s office. That eliminates the shock.

Don’t worry Gladys, only the nurse and the doctor will see your weight and they are sworn to secrecy.

I usually tell the weigher to take off 12 pounds because I have a lot on my mind. Or that I wore my heavy socks that day.

Have a cleansing the day before.

Sure you don’t need to make just one last trip to the restroom first???

Pluck eyebrows, shave legs/armpits, spit, remove nail polish, floss, clean out ear wax and navel lint…

Last week, I went to see a specialist who actually said “You’re not overweight.” That was music to my ears, especially since I thought I was about ten pounds over what I’m supposed to weigh for my age and height.

I have an electronic scale. It says I weigh 191 naked. At my gym, there is a mechanical scale with sliding weights, it says I’m 196, clothed. The electronic scale at my primary care team at the VA, says 199 clothed. Essentially, my scale and the gym scale are in agreement. So what’s up with the VA’s scale?

Gladys hasn’t totally taken off the weight she gained when she was expecting Wilberforce.

My wife simply tells the medical assistant, “no!” when asked to step on the scale.

Don’t forget to exhale and not breathe again until she’s done!