Frog Applause by Teresa Burritt for June 15, 2024

Is this just for wage and celery workers?

Anyone who hides the celery (flakes or whole celery) is okay with me!

I don’t use enough to buy by the bunch. Half a bottle of flakes is about a quarter cup, about right for lots of things.

Celery Free Spirits, if you don’t mind.

See if I care.

“They call me Mr. Armand Bland

The dad-gum blandest Man

In all the Christian Land

Be off with spicy pepper flakes

And ersatz dried-up onion fakes

I use the blandest McCormick makes

No salt in the celery, if you please

To cause my gall bladder much unease

And bowels embarrassing release.”

He hid them in his beard.

When a guy named Herb Aceous starts talking about celery flakes, you have to listen.

Geez. I just turned the lazy susan. They are on the other side. Now get outa my kitchen!

Vlad has a cousin who speaks perfect English? Who knew?

bust a move!

Doesn’t he look like a villain in a Marvel movie? (I almost said ‘blockbuster,’ but it looks like Marvel doesn’t make those any more.

Today’s Senryū du Jour:

I build my life on

one simple concept: Never

stalk food to pantry.

— Schrobenhausener Spargel

Cereal Smackdown!

Cage Match: Colonel Munch confronts Cap’n Crunch II — Final Mastication 3, Kernel Germ Warfare!

Bottled Onion Flakes saves a teary eyed moment. At the plant where the are packaged, Eye ball the right ball with happiness for real.

Parsley it is then.

On your mark… get set… CHAW!

Colonel Mustard plays Professor Plum as Mrs. Peacock in Reverend Green Gets a Clue from Doctor Orchid, coming soon from Hangman Entertainment, a Leadpipe Candlesticklers & Rope-Cinch Pictures — a Knifewrench in the RevolverWorks Company

This guy is a real “A o” …!

( & a flake )

And now, we return to Vegetable Fighters of the Old West…

All of a sudden, a loose bundle of celery was lobbed from the midst of the slowly-milling throng and a gritty voice rose, freezing the crowd in its tracks.

“Very well, Sheriff,” came the rumble. “Strip to the waist — it’s Pam™ Butter-Flavored Cooking and Baking Spray, and prickly pear cactus, at 20 paces!”

Legend has it many were pretty cooked that day and many more were already half-baked…

To Be Continued?

True, he was the Mayor of Stupeville — yet, incredibly, no one could remember exactly why it was he was called “Twigly Tumbleweed”…

Somehow, suspicions are running high that this poor guy is precisely how any keyboard looks when it has Irritable Vowel Syndrome…

Townfolk were stunned to realize the Judge smelled of beef stew and balsam so often from his use of dried celery flakes and sawdust as practical folk remedies for his nasty case of the courtroom sweats.

Suffering from Seasonal Seasoning Disorder?

Sessional Season-All Symptoms?

Spicy Sidewinder Stomach Seizures?

Shaky shins? Sweaty scalp? Scabby sideburns?

Folks swear by Admiral Cellray’s Celery Tonic!

— faded billboard painted on mottled red brick, on the side of the world-famous Armoire Building, c. 1890, current home of Chester’s Drawers Amalgamated

“Yes, I hid them. I do not deny this fine thing I have done. The celery flakes are old-world wonga and are not for — how you say — weenie little nincompoops, jabbernowls, dunderwhelps, and clodpates, yes?”

— from The Compleat Antithetical Baron Dissin Mynde, by biographer Hiram N. Phyrumm

“STAND YOUR CELERY PATCH — HOE AND BLOW!”

— motto of the Dehydrated Party

When I’m in the mood for celery flakes nothing can stop me.

Make The Move with Oscar’s Moving Vans. Keep the Adjustment on a false Mr. Potato Head Game.

Twins have different finger prints. The One and Other Ones may be fat thumb prints, while the whole time skinny thumb prints, Danno and Crocker, was a loser of The Potato Head intensely heated matches.

Mr. Potato Head Game is usually a solitaire butt up on double solitaire for The Potato Groin Game.

I don’t eat celery flakes. They don’t hold up well in milk.

My move. I went to the grocery and bought some more Celery Flakes [not a breakfast cereal!].

Your move, Fuzz-Face….

Sell a what? To whom? But they’re all flakes.

I’ll just substitute with cloves, nobody will know the difference

Gonna break out the kale kernels!

Lew Grizzlewort continues to simmer in hopes of a round or two of Hide the Whole Cucumber — flakes be darned.

Pass the pepper, food coloring, and dried rutabaga grater.

MAN: I’m here for the rest of the flakes.

GUARD: Password?

MAN: Foster Grant, here to see the Smith brothers — cough, cough.

DIRECTOR: Annnnnd… CUT!

OK! The S-what Team is on its way, A-o …!

( and happy father’s day )

Knight fork, and check — what’ll it be, your rook or bish?

Backstage, Professor Stoat-Wallader prepares to address the Royal Society of Finocchio Dessicaters on tonight’s subject: Were the Food Pyramids Built by Evil Aliens or Simply a Host of Cruel Gods?

.. and I hereby wager you my brand-new plaid-flannel lounge pants you will be unable to discover their secret lair!

At last, Ian Fleming’s previously-unpublished — but long-rumored — Bond villain makes an appearance in the new film, From Major Buttocks with Glove, © 2024, FennelHouse and WindFarm Productions, LLC

Bah! Blue fenugreek, my left Schabziger!

You know what is funny about this? I swapped out the celery flakes for red pepper flakes two weeks ago, and he never noticed.

Intentions are such

that promising cel’ry on

my small sal’ry’s moot.

- Morris Less and Les Izmoore, in The So-So Soho History of Polo’s Great Solo Slide to the Dodos: Bolos, JoJos, & Rolos™ — Inventions and Theorems of the last Earl of Bannister A Go-Go

Ditch like Dennis Mitchel in a ditchel canal.

Hirsute pursuits, aye.

To thine own beard-mind be true.

’Cuz shaves doth suck much.

— Edmund Fitzgerald, in “A Superior Lake of Reserves, Sinking Feelings, and Close Shaves,” in the September 1975 issue of Hemophiliac Quarterly magazine

“I tell ya, these informercials are getting stranger all the time!”

— Something I may have heard echoing outside my own head recently

Sprinkled and drew while the bullet pitch was ground downs.

Hang on, then — is that not black dye dropping down onto your shirt collar? And, good sir, come to think of it — were you not clean-shaven just one hour ago?

— Sherlock Holmes does it again in The Predicament of the Absent Crunchfruit

“Could be a ruse. These so-called celery bits may only be… deep flakes.”

[ music sting ]

— Chief of Data Security Skip Trazer to Dr. Chuck Blade in CSI: Whole Foods

… Vlad hid the flakes in the Grape Nuts …

…where no one would ever find them…

… he thought about putting behind to the bouillon cubes…

…Miss Boss Lady had cornered the bok choy market…

…and Vlad had to admit that it tasted better…

…and looked better…

…and was better for you…

…but shooting up the celery patch like it was cases of Bud light …

…just led them heathens to using the celery flakes…

…the vegetable soup was going to be ruined…

…so entered the Grape Nuts fiasco…

…the delicious bok choy is worth it…

…he thought…

…human flesh tastes better inundated with much bok choy and msg…

…mmmm…

…people Kabobs…

….Vlad couldn’t wait to throw on the Barbie…

“I can stay off the ’flakes, if I want to.”

— Captain Kangaroo, writing in his memoir, Bok Choy: The Rehab Years.

“The real culprits in the brothers’ many feuds? Orville’s corny “pop” humor and Wilbur’s nagging horseplay…"

— biographers Kitty Hawk and Sandy Beech in Flights of Fancy: Why the Wrights Never Really Got Off the Ground Again © 2024 Kill Devil Mills Press, courtesy of Vale of Jeers Publishing, a Three-Axes Control System Company

Who turned the flakes out?

The pantry door’s still open.

Veg sentience — how?

— Emeril Marple-Lagasse

Which Karamazov brother is he? Answer: Lefty, the one who no longer juggles chain saws.