Crankshaft by Tom Batiuk and Dan Davis for December 03, 2024

How hard can you throw them, Lil?

Funny. You seemed to have no problem the last year or two, directing St. Spires, pestering Becky at Westview High, writing and hawking your autobiography and Claude Barlow books, and attending the OMEA conference, even though you’re not officially a school music teacher anymore.

“Burning my candelabrum at both ends” gave me a chuckle.

A rumballistic attack? What does Geneva have to say about that?

“Mom told me to watch out for girls like you. So I do — and DAYUM they’re hard to find!”

“candy is dandy but liqueur is quicker”

How about “Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls”

There will be a larger than usual brass section at the St. Spires program this year.

I think Lil could persuade anyone to do anything with those rum balls.

Where’s Crankshaft………….

C’mon Harry. We know you’d love to get back in Uniform again.

What;s the diff? It’ll be so cold out that all the valves on the brass instruments will freeze solid

Nothing like a drunk choir director after a tin of rum balls.

Food and “licker”……..solves and creates a lot of problems.

Swell. Ed Crankshaft wasn’t bad enough; now Dinkless is making goo-goo eyes at Loathsome Lil.

Loathsome Lil is a church-going choir member and past organist. She’s an award-winning author of mysteries. She runs her own business out of a home she owns. She runs a book club. She’s the past president of the garden club. She was involved in the movement to save the Sentinel, the town newspaper. She risked life and property to ensure some high school kids in the next town over got the books they needed for a class. She’s a 102-year-old spinster who still has her virginity intact. She’s a master chef whose holiday rum balls are more addictive than oxy. It’s a miracle she hasn’t been elected mayor yet (you missed that one, TB).

Let all the cute, young, undistinguishable blondes curtsy in shame and jealousy as Loathsome Lil sashays past, for she is the most desirable woman in the entire Funkyverse.

(insert scores of puke emojis)

Batyuk must be under the influence of rumballs if he thinks we need another Lillian-Dinkle story arc. Caution: Bad jokes and smirks ahead.

“I will be overstretched and my quality of life will be destroyed.”

“What about if I give you some chocolate?”

“Okay.”

Aw, Cranky. You didn’t go MIA again did ya?

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Don’t care much about the origin of that truth, but a truth it indeed is…..

“Will you do it for a rum ball?”

“I dunno… I’ve already got to direct the Jazz Messiah at the church, and butt in on Lefty so that she doesn’t get the idea she’s now the Worstview band director; adding another school concert might be too much…”

“How about two rum balls?”

“OK.”