Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for October 31, 2011

@#&%$ Right!

Here is one I get quoted on occasionally…Back story my wife had some middle school girls over from her class and I was building a fire for them. I ended up getting hurt and yelled, “Butt cheek freaking peanut” instead of cursing, it was pretty satisfying and it got a good laugh later on.

Rat has a good point, but on the other hand, I like GI_CRANDELL’s way of handling a situation.

Is Rat’s cup red? Or is there that much lipstick on his whitecup?

“Butt cheek freaking peanut”??? Oh my, I feel faint! I’m going back to Family f&%$(*g Circus.

working retail requires the ability to stifle my *&%@#ing cursing. I often substitute gibberish when said in the same tone as a cussowrd. Butt cheek freakin peanut may very well be my new phrase.

Robert Louis Stevenson was able to have his Treasure Island characters express themselves without using four letter words – or type symbols.

I smacked my thumb with a hammer just as my dear old Grandma walked in the room. I shouted “Son of Hibachi!” She said “WHAT did you say???” So I repeated it. I then had to explain it’s a small charcoal grill. She asked “So what’s that got to do with hitting your thumb?”. I replied, so what did you WANT me to yell? “Spring is Here!”???

Goat is the voice of sanity, Rat is the voice of profanity. But the real question is, whence came the lipstick on Rat’s mug?

Kind of like when your car breaks down, does screaming “YOU CUTE KITTY CAT, YOU SAINTED CUDDLY GRANDMOTHER…” relieve the frustration? And “Water your Geraniums” doesn’t have emotional charge of “P!$$ Off”. Then again “Go crossbreed your Ophrys apifera” or “Jo Mommas’ a Ophrys” is likely to get you killed even if they don’t understand the reference, and if they do…

Raised my 2 sons to try avoiding profanity by saying “Oh my Goodness!” If you practice it when it isn’t so … critical … it kinda grows on you. They both visited when they were in their twenties, helped me out working on the boat. Someone slipped a line and a boom came crashing on my thumb, pretty much putting it in 2 dimensions. I yelled Oh My Goodness – by that time out of reflex – so loud they could hear me across the harbor. My thumb was split open like a ripe casaba melon, yet we were all laughing so hard I thought I’d wet myself. By the time we got in the ER the medicos assumed my tears were from the pain .. until we told ‘em. I think some of the other ER patients may have been a bit disturbed by all the laughter from our corner. Maybe they just wanted some of the painkiller I was getting. Now whenever I say Oh My Goodness my 6 yr old daughter can’t understand why I’m laughing so hard. The Mrs says I’m confusing my daughter. Oh well. Can’t win. Maybe I should teach her to swear like a sailor instead?

My favorite is… Sum’ Beach!

When I injure myself, I usually just say, “ow.” I don’t get many laughs with that.

Sonya Bovich

i usually go “Thats nice” ,using some really heavy sarcasm

I agree with Goat all the way. If you are unable to speak without using foul language every other word, you are pretty %#%@ stupid. :)

I usually go with Son of a PUP! It’s quick and easy when I’m under duress.Bamboodan ~ Great story!

Sugar pops!!

I like Holy Farglesnot!, Holy Blubber Nuggets, or Suffering Sciatica myself.

I’ve had to resort to some pretty lame expressions since I’ve had kids – I miss the old days when I could curse freely!

“The words are just overused; you should save them for when you need them.”I totally agree! The word “f*%#”, for example, is one of the most useful and adaptable words in the English language, with a lineage stretching back a thousand years and both Germanic and Latin ancestry.Read the Wikipedia article here

When my mother was little, she would say, “Cheese and crackers got all muddy!” very fast!

Rat is about to get an earful from the woman whose pink mug he just swiped.

Anyway, profanity is evidence of an elementary vocabulary. It becomes “filler”, the same as: “ya know”, “um”, “like”, etc. I’ve heard anger expressed far more acutely by those having skillful use of the English language, than by those who just lash out with meaningless, random profanity.

Most people can’t really swear anyway. Think about it: how often have you heard the same old same old, no matter what the painful situation? When I was in Special Forces I was the nice kid, the ‘A’ Team medic, and the old guys would have me hold the football pool money, the pinochle money, etc…and I took enough time to make up and memorize some swearing YOU have never heard…I got so I could peel paint at a hundred yards, and found myself even more highly regarded. There was a plan for awhile to change my MOS and get me sent to OCS…

Try it. Say something you’ve never heard before. If you have no skill, you can start with Shakespeare, he’s got some great swearing lines…

My comments with the @%^! get removed but no problem if your heinous, Stephan Pastis does it. Hypocrites much?

I usually got with what d fudge stickswhat d fowl footFork and Spoonmother loveror oh fuh the love of all that is good and holyand of course for the really bad momentsLord Father put a hand, put a hand on these ppl before I dololBut I’m sorry some moments and ppl truly do call for profanity lol

hahaahahahaaa

THIS is why I drink my coffee with a straw!!!

Thank the clueless GoComics colorists for Rat’s red mug. Idiots.

If I had £1 for every time one of the characters swore….

LOL xxx

The only profanity that really offends me is when people’s cursing has to do with God. Someone saying ‘Godd#mn" is more offensive than ’m#therf#cker" for me. What’s really is fun for swearing is to use the names of Russian literary figures. “Arkady Ivanovitch Svidrigailov!”

Well done, bamboodan. I could try to follow your example, though I doubt my resolve under trying conditions.

The SHIFT button on Pastis’ keyboard must be worn clean off. !@#$%^&!

Sunday beach

D@&^! RIGHT! lol

I find that using descriptive language does two things for me..One, it helps avoid excessive use of profanity..Two, it helps me focus on what is actually wrong, and start to think about what I need to do to fix what I can. .Example: someone cuts me off in traffic. I can call him an idiot, realize he is in his own world, and relax and let him go, hoping he will make it without an accident. Much more productive than cursing him and his ancestry, getting stressed and enraged myself, and likely doing the same to the next person.

From Pogo:

Gosh a mickle

Dickle pickle

Dog my cats

And rowrbazzle!

I found rowrbazzle particularly satisfying, or even the related four-letter abbreviation rowr (especially if said in a growly-type voice).

Then there was a bilingual man (I live in Montreal) who wrote a book called Ouate de phoque. (If necessary, ask a French-speaking person how to pronounce this.)

It’s perfectly legitimate – ouate is those little cotton puffs that women use in taking off makeup and for convenience with a thousand other things, and phoque is either a seal or an otter (it’s a long time since I thought of this, and I forget).

I often just say Oh dear, in a quiet, controlled voice.

Personally, I’m a big fan of the word “bloody” in this context..And, I have to ask … “butt cheek freaking peanut”? lol.

TV was funnier before swear words, in my opinion. There are funnier ways to express intense emotions. GI_Crandell’s for instance. :-)

Golly, I seem to have accidentally fallen off the roof and impaled myself on a picket fence. Oh, golly-gosh-all-get-out!They’re just words, people. Geeze, what pussies we’ve all become…

Good story, Rodney. Esp. the part when you said, “What did you WANT me to yell? ‘Spring is Here!’???”

SHIP SANK ON A BEACH!CHEESUS SLICE! Lip readers wouldn’t know the fidderence ;P

When I was a kid, I knew someone who would swear by saying “Sugar Honey Iced Tea”; everyone knew what she meant, and she never got in trouble for it.

Oh I always have said " what the foot", and everyone starts to laugh

D@mn straight Rat. I get a lot of satisfaction when I use profanity to express a thought. Some points are best driven home with some colorful language.

Some years ago when I was in a hospital, I’d been catheterized. When it was time to remove it, an nurse came in and did the deed … and it hurt! I let out with “Golly, Gee Whiz!” You should have seen the shocked expression on the nurse’s face.

Missing largeGI_CRANDELL about 10 years agoHere is one I get quoted on occasionally…Back story my wife had some middle school girls over from her class and I was building a fire for them. I ended up getting hurt and yelled, “Butt cheek freaking peanut” instead of cursing, it was pretty satisfying and it got a good laugh later on. wtf