A man in a pub sees another man drinking alone at the bar. In a hospitable mood, he raises his glass in greeting. “I welcome you here as an Irishman,” he begins.
“Why, I’m Irish meself!” is the response. “Tell me, where in Ireland are ye from?”
“County Cork,” the first man answers.
“That’s amazing! I’m also from County Cork!”
“But tell me this, now – are ye Catholic or Protestant?”
“I’m a good Catholic, of course.”
“Faith and Begorrah! I’m that, too!”
“And you look to be about my age, too. Are you near 37?”
“Amazing! I’m that exactly!”
Just then the phone rings, and the bartender picks it up. “Murphy’s Pub, Murphy speakin’…Oh, not much, just the usual goings-on. The O’Brien twins are here, and they’re drunk again…”
The scary thing about that skydiving is that if the drone can’t reliably reach the right height, you could easily drop a distance far enough to seriously injure or kill you, but too short to deploy the parachute.
There is a new female organ player at a small church. She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church.
While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.
A wise old woman of the church decided to intervene. She comes up to the young lady after services one Sunday and explains the situation. Heartbroken, the beautiful woman asks if anything can be done to remedy the situation.
The old lady smiles and tells her to go to the store and buy some lemons. “Rub one lemon half on each breast every night before bed, your breasts will shrink but you’ll be able to keep playing.”
The young woman, relieved, goes away and follows the old woman’s advice.
The next week, before worship, the pastor steps up to the pulpit, and makes an announcement.
“Due to thircumstanthes beyond my control, we won’t be having a thermon thith week.”
A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain
While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting “in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day”
The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calories of food a day"
The American waiting for his turns goes and says “in the US Army we are fed 8000 calories a day”
At that point, the Russian jumps up and yells at the American *“NON SENSE. NO ONE CAN EAT THAT MUCH CABBAGE IN ONE DAY”-
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.
Interestingly, not only was my father, William Wash, born in Corbett Oregon, but my great-grandmother is buried at the Corbett Oregon Pioneer Cemetery. Corbett is a few miles east of Portland.
Copy-&-Paste over 2 years ago
Guess you’d call that a “Hole in One and Club in Two.”
pearlsbs over 2 years ago
That’s a crabby crab.
eromlig over 2 years ago
Continuing our Irish bashing theme…
A man in a pub sees another man drinking alone at the bar. In a hospitable mood, he raises his glass in greeting. “I welcome you here as an Irishman,” he begins.
“Why, I’m Irish meself!” is the response. “Tell me, where in Ireland are ye from?”
“County Cork,” the first man answers.
“That’s amazing! I’m also from County Cork!”
“But tell me this, now – are ye Catholic or Protestant?”
“I’m a good Catholic, of course.”
“Faith and Begorrah! I’m that, too!”
“And you look to be about my age, too. Are you near 37?”
“Amazing! I’m that exactly!”
Just then the phone rings, and the bartender picks it up. “Murphy’s Pub, Murphy speakin’…Oh, not much, just the usual goings-on. The O’Brien twins are here, and they’re drunk again…”
Templo S.U.D. over 2 years ago
How high up was the Latvian drone skydiver? Must’ve taken quite some ingenuity to construct a drone to support his weight.
monkeysky over 2 years ago
The scary thing about that skydiving is that if the drone can’t reliably reach the right height, you could easily drop a distance far enough to seriously injure or kill you, but too short to deploy the parachute.
Bilan over 2 years ago
So, Ingus is technically the creator of Dronediving?
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
There is a new female organ player at a small church. She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church.
While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.A wise old woman of the church decided to intervene. She comes up to the young lady after services one Sunday and explains the situation. Heartbroken, the beautiful woman asks if anything can be done to remedy the situation.
The old lady smiles and tells her to go to the store and buy some lemons. “Rub one lemon half on each breast every night before bed, your breasts will shrink but you’ll be able to keep playing.”
The young woman, relieved, goes away and follows the old woman’s advice.
The next week, before worship, the pastor steps up to the pulpit, and makes an announcement.
“Due to thircumstanthes beyond my control, we won’t be having a thermon thith week.”
Until next time.
donnagant622 over 2 years ago
Good one!!
Caldonia over 2 years ago
Why must Ripley trigger my fear of heights so?
Casey Jones over 2 years ago
Must have been one doozy of a bad shot
Huckleberry Hiroshima over 2 years ago
And the crab, Mulligan McDuffer, became a delicious meal at the course 19th Hole Cafe and Bar.
Take care, may snoozing golf course mower Buzz “Hey! Who Took My Pants?” Ploppord be with you, and gesundheit.
JDP_Huntington Beach over 2 years ago
The rescue reminds me of a story…
A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain
While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting “in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day”
The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calories of food a day"
The American waiting for his turns goes and says “in the US Army we are fed 8000 calories a day”
At that point, the Russian jumps up and yells at the American *“NON SENSE. NO ONE CAN EAT THAT MUCH CABBAGE IN ONE DAY”-
Also,
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash.
I’m sorry that I asked, “is he a rescue?”
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
What became of the crab? Here’s one possibility.
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.
Until next time.
artmer over 2 years ago
lousy short game.
TheBigPickle over 2 years ago
And you believed drunk Aussie golfers about that? Pics or it didn’t happen.
ncorgbl over 2 years ago
Laying 6 in the fairway bunker on the par 4, the crab swore he’d never hit a 2 iron again.
moondog42 Premium Member over 2 years ago
Do they know who Luke Cage is in Australia? Because his famous catchphrase comes to mind: CHRISTMAS!
artegal over 2 years ago
Did anyone bother to find out if Ingus skydived successfully?
198.23.5.11 over 2 years ago
Long since forgotten where I heard this one.
A double amputee is hitch hiking.
It’s a miserable,rainy night and he’s soaked and for a long time nobody will stop for him.
Finally,a Cockney slows down,pulls over to the shoulder;and sticks his head out the driver’s window.
“’Op in the back seat,mate!You look ’armless!”
hsawlrae over 2 years ago
Interestingly, not only was my father, William Wash, born in Corbett Oregon, but my great-grandmother is buried at the Corbett Oregon Pioneer Cemetery. Corbett is a few miles east of Portland.
mindjob over 2 years ago
Technically that would be sky dropping, not sky diving.
dv1093 over 2 years ago
OK, the hiking trail rescue – now really, how does THAT rate believing it or not??
comicalUser over 2 years ago
OK, so, they rescued from the 30 foot fall, but then left her clinging to the root? Those jerks!
mbakerbr549 over 2 years ago
I gotta stop reading your jokes while I’m eating or drinking anything!