Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for November 10, 2015

Ah, Bill Simmons. What an empire you’ve created.

And if that’s too complicated, he could get a job as a TV “news” anchor.

Well, know which networks he decide to work for. And am guessing which one actually hired him.

Wow………….. Rat in a yellow suit with tie……this is so un-Rat……was Rat hit in the head by something ?

Rat is behind the times here. These days the interviews are by women who, by sheer coincidence and nothing else, are physically attractive. The men sit in a booth or studio and give us pearls of wisdom like, “In order to win, they’re going to need to score lots of points while preventing their opponents from scoring lots of points.”

A post-game interview-sportscaster! Of course. Possibly the lowest of the low on the Idiotic Cliché Scale! Even Rat could handle that job….

But Sportscasters are creative – Just think of all those bizarre names they come up with to describe sports plays. “M’Bume there just threw a Alley-Muggle-Mary-Loop-De-Cranberry-Walrus-Sauce-Throw and he scores!”

Watching sports with the sound on is like trying to join a club with secret handshakes, codes and alien language. And unless you watch every single second of every single sports cast you will never ever understand WTF they’re talking about! I don’t even think they understand WTF they’re talking about either.

Another reason I turn the sound down when watching sports is I get embarrassed when the sportscasters get their Raging Bromance on for one of the players – every other word is that player’s name, they endlessly follow that players every move while on the sidelines, and even when that player has the worst game of his entire career they can’t help but gush madly about him like love-struck 12 year old girl at a One Direction concert.

OK. I know nothing about sports or sportscasters so I’m sitting this one out.

Or a marketing executive." The more you spend, the more you save!"

Looks like he ate 110% anyway.

“We have to score more and keep the opponents from doing it.”

I don’t mind what they say, but I wish they wouldn’t talk so much. Phil Simms is the worst. No dead air with that guy.

Have to admit I’ve been a sportscaster and writer for 20+ years, but you guys are right. If I hear the phrase “Are you KIDDING me?” one more time, I’ll scream. And don’t get me started on Bill Simmons and the School of Frat Boy Writers he inspired, where the goal is to write thousands of words filled with one-liners but nothing memorable. On the other hand, a Rick Reilly column could really touch you AND make you laugh within a self-imposed 800-word limit.

TV sportscasters and sports talk shows are the worst. Those who can ask an intelligent question are scarce as hen’s teeth.

Rat – my nemesis. And I just spent 119% of my energy laughing.

there’s a lawrence block book where the character finds he likes watching boxing better when it’s on the spanish channel. he still wants the noise, but not to have to listen to the stupid stuff the sportscasters are saying

Glib and trite…try Facebook!

Glib and trite…try Facebook!

I thought he meant he was going to take over the strip.

I like when they try to keep their audience in a bad game by trying to make it sound exciting;

“…and the kick is good! That narrows (insert US footbal teams name) lead to 38-3 going into the 4th quarter.”

“Well Cliff; (insert 2nd team name) hasn’t quit. There are still nearly 15 minutes to go here and, as we know, ANYTHING can happen!!!)

Yeah. Right. I’ll keep watching just in case a UFO lands at the 50yd line and asks to speak to Goodell about a suspension.

….just taking one game at a time… nothing else matters…. just one more game….

Where have you gone, Howard Cosell,Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

I’m surprised that Rat (after the second panel) didn’t say “I’m going into politics.”

Watch Coach “Pop” with the Spurs. He abides no dumber than dumb questions. The TV guys are scared to talk to him.

imho – when sports began to try to be socially relevant ‘on air’ and thought that it had to begin bringing in people who really only wanted to hear themselves talk rather than broadcast or talk about sports, it started downhill. you can still find an occasional announcer that really knows their sport, are comfortable with themselves and bring real additional interest to the game and the sport they announce. the rest (90% up) are all stamped out of a ‘cookie cutter ESPN social conscious, pc correct world’ in which the relevancy of the sport that is being played on the field (in the arena, whatever) is in second place to the political, social, supposedly intelligent comments made in the broadcast booth. i too listen with the sound down/off or read about the highlights later. since i am too poor to afford tickets to the actual pro games and don’t wish to sell my soul to see them play in person, it is either that or quit watching. BUT the game itself is usually interesting, it is just the announcing and stupid rhetoric that passes as sports commentary that drives me crazy. – and yep you pushed a button with this strip pastis

I’m in the UK so I didn’t understand this one.

But I have been reading the comments. So he’s called Bill Simmons?

Sorry, I’m thick. Haha.

xxx

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Gross.

So true. And the talking heads get paid to ask obvious questions; I’ve often wondered how much $$ they make.