Frog Applause by Teresa Burritt for March 21, 2024

I refuse to enjoy Life™ unless or until the manufacturer of Life™ issues a refund for years 30 through 38 of my Life™ subscription, as I was “sick in and in my disease” during that period and was thus unable to extract maximum benefit from the product.

Life™ has been my favorite cereal since it was introduced in 1961. I fell in love with it at once; it was sweet but not too sweet, crunchy but not too crunchy, with a little hint of softness to it, and it had a unique flavor that I found completely appealing. Sadly, the product has been reformulated a number of times. The worst change came in 1997 when Quaker introduced a “new, improved” Life, and then the world collapsed around their ears. I, like many other aficionados, wrote to Quaker screaming, “You’ve ruined my life!” It was completely different, nothing like the original, and it failed so spectacularly that the company went back to the original formulation and sent out an apology letter to those who had complained. (I wish I had kept my copy.) Since then, except for the introduction or trial of a few additional flavors, their product has remained pretty much the same. But I would dearly love to have the original formula back again. I have spoken.

Enjoy Life. After all, life is fatal.

The obesity cream made by Cool Whip™ is my favorite topping when I’m eating pumpkin pie.

I tickled a tick with WD-40. It has stopped breathing because of the liquid paraffin. Eventually, it got bored and left, without feeding any more.

Honey, you said this was gonna be fun!

Or play the game of “Life!”

Kind of a lousy pair of choices there.

the prat falls of life

Nicely bizarre art project here!

…and, if this is a tourist-style, Wish You Were Here postcard, it must be from The Twilight Zone.

?

We come to Frog Applause for the choices, for the items that stretch our limited imaginations. And, verily I say unto thee…I feel like a piece of salt water taffy.

If anyone here is wondering where you can get all the items mentioned, you don’t have to look far…just visit the Froglandia Bath Mat Factory!

All your needs will be now take phone orders, or online orders, so you can just either pick up your items or have them delivered.

Our competent shoppers will text you in case they have a question! Substitutions are available.

On sale this week is the Obesity Cream! Comes in many flavors with a side of dried tickle lice, chocolate covered spiders, or wheat germ!

We also have Jelly Beans by the pound for those who want to celebrate Easter and decorate your rabbit cake!

Call us or visit us soon!

That’s a big ask.

It looks like the Easter Bunny is arriving in a different way this year…

Eclecticism in the name of lame … for our enjoyment …!

( in 3/4 checkerboard time )

Ask your doctor if Tickle Lice and Obesity Cream is right for you. Side effects include…

Yummy.

What if I have not yet qualified for an obesity cream license?

Sage advice.

Lice tickling requires special tools, available hear at popular prices. Ed Gein endorsed our wearable magnifier.

Dear Doctor Manufacturer & Offspring Cumpnee,

I have been eating your product four times a day for the past seventeen years but am still a 97-pound weakling.

Please tell me you will soon be making and selling New Souper-Duper, Extreme Baggage Formula Obesity Cream.

I just can’t take those ill-mannered beach lice kicking sand in my face any longer!

Sincerely,

Charles “Chuck-Yeee Cheese” Atlas-Sisyphus, Jr.

Oh, I’m quite sure. Really really sure.

Spider + Leg + Roast Rabbit + Eyes + Kale Flower + Lemongrass + Bluebird = ?

Might this be the fabled Fountain of Lame? Fear not Buttercup, death is no match for True Love…