Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for December 19, 2024

salted? marinated? … one thing for sure, not sweetened

You’re Not True Holiday Retail Unless You’ve Ruined At Least One Christmas

I work at an online retailer that sells high-end children’s furniture. Even though it’s high-end we always offer the best prices and shipping options. Every year, without fail, two days before Christmas we are drowning in calls from these people:

Caller: “I ordered my kids Christmas present and it’s not here yet!”

Me: “I can see that you ordered an item that will take six days to be delivered, only three days before Christmas?”

Caller: Upset. “So you’re saying my kids won’t have their gift in time for Christmas?!”

Me: “Our website is clear in dozens of different places about our delivery times for all items.”

Caller: “You’ve ruined Christmas!”

As usual, we are in the wrong for their poor planning. We would joke with trainees that they weren’t really part of the team until they had ruined at least one Christmas.

You’re Not True Holiday Retail Unless You’ve Ruined At Least One Christmas, Part 2

We are a few minutes from closing on Christmas Eve.

Customer: “I don’t see any hams in your deli.”

Me: “You mean the Christmas hams?”

Customer: “Are you stupid? Of course I mean the Christmas hams! It’s Christmas f****** Eve!”

Me: “Well, sir, today being Christmas Eve is the reason you’re not seeing any Christmas hams. The last one was sold two days ago.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! You go order one for me and get it to me by tomorrow morning!”

Me: “I can put an order in now for you, sir, but per store policy, you wouldn’t get it until our supplier gets another shipment, which won’t be until after Christmas.”

Customer: “Then you go get me one from another store! Have them deliver it to this location for tomorrow!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but since we are closed tomorrow for Christmas, I won’t be able to do that for you until December 26. We open at 8:00 am. How else can I help you today?”

Customer: “You’ve been no help at all!”

Me: “I am sorry to hear that, sir; however, I do have to abide by store policy. Now, how else can I not help you today?”

Forgive Me For Not Legging It To Work

I work in a hotel, but not today! I am woken up by a call from my manager.

Manager: “Where the f*** are you?!”

Me: “In bed?”

Manager: “Why did you miss the monthly staff meeting?! Attendance is mandatory!”

Me: “Uh… you know I’m not working right now? Like… the whole month.”

Manager: “This is because of that leg thing?!”

Me: “If by ‘that leg thing’ you mean my broken leg caused by a drunk biker, then yes, it’s ‘that leg thing’.”

Manager: “Staff meetings are still mandatory!”

Me: “But I’m signed off for another month.”

Manager: “Mandatory! I’ll be writing you up for this!”

He hangs up, and I go back to sleep unconcerned. I get a text from my manager’s manager later that afternoon.

Manager’s Manager: “Hi, [My Name]. Ignore [Manager]; you’re not getting a write-up. How’s the leg? Hope it’s healing nicely. The next monthly meeting is on [date], but feel free to skip it if you can’t make it. Take care!”

By the next monthly meeting, my leg had healed up enough that I could work concierge while sitting down, and I could, in fact, attend the next monthly staff meeting. I’m glad I did because it was chaired by my manager’s manager, and the first item on the agenda was about how my manager had taken a “leave of absence”.

This Office Has Really Jumped The Shark

I come into the office on a Monday and see my boss putting together a remote-controlled inflatable shark in a closet in the office manager’s office.

Boss: “Good morning!”

Me: “Uh… whatcha doin’?”

Boss: “Just giving [Office Manager] the morning he deserves.”

Me: “…”

Boss: “Okay, fine. [Office Manager] spent all weekend drinking and doing blow and getting me to do the project work that he should have been doing… again.”

Me: “And the shark?”

Boss: “He confided in me that he’s terrified of sharks, and when he’s coming down from a weekend bender, he’s extra paranoid. I’m sick of it.”

[Boss] then tests this apparatus by having the shark “swim” out of the closet and aim directly for [Office Manager]’s chair.

Boss: “Perfect! Just needs one final touch.”

He taped a small note saying “I quit!” to the back of the shark and reset it into the closet.

Sadly, I had other duties to attend to down the hall, but around 11:00 am, I heard a blood-curdling scream coming from the direction of [Office Manager]’s office. I saw [Boss] chuckling to himself as he walked toward the exit with all of his personal effects.

Along with this stunt, [Boss] had sent plenty of evidence about [Office Manager]’s unprofessional behavior (including slurred and drunken voicemail messages from [Office Manager] to [Boss] demanding that he work at the weekend) to Human Resources, which meant that a day later, [Office Manager] was also walking out the door with his personal effects.

Add to that a fixed income, and the weight comes off.

Looking at all those grocery bills makes me hungry for a snack.

Yes, but the liquor items must be a big part of the ‘groceries’.

… Says the woman drinking the $7 cup of coffee.

The best diet there is.

At least I can still afford liquor.

A short and sweet grocery list wouldn’t be good for the body, though it might be cheaper.

‘Your body, your obesity’… how unpopular would that expressions get?

I started Keto right before the pandemic when prices began to rise. I’m now doing OMAD (one meal a day) and that helps with the grocery bill.

It isn’t that bad, if you actually know how to cook and are willing to take the time to do so. I make virtually everything from scratch, meals, deserts, etc. It takes some time, but the costs of the ingredients is much cheaper than paying to have some company gather and prepare all of the ingredients into a box, package or can.

We both enjoy cooking, so that helps. No Spaghettios or canned soup for us.

……not going to save buying that coffee!!!!

..it’s not the groceries, it’s all the Take Out that’s making ya “fluffy”..

When I retired I started to cook all my meals because of the words limited income but I do eat out once a week as a treat for myself, I don’t care if it’s just a burger and usually on Sundays. My favorite stop is Hawaiian BBQ, hold the cabbage and extra macaroni instead?

Doesn’t appear to be working, and it hasn’t slowed your alcohol intake.

Stoopy pricey to live organically..

I invent meals based upon what is in the fridge or cabinets. Most concoctions are snubbed by my family (thankfully I don’t have to feed them as they don’t live near me) but I like them.

What kind of “grocery bills” come in the mail? Asking for a friend.