Crankshaft by Tom Batiuk and Dan Davis for January 23, 2025

This is not how newspapers work

“Now, let’s pretend you’re going to write the headline for a real news story!”

“Why? Since when do you print real news? . . . Oh, okay, I’ll do something about how you lost your temper over a clever joke! ‘Sh1t F1t H1t W1t!’”

Why, of course, that’s just the sort of commonplace entertainment news article one would expect to show up in an eight-page small-town Ohio newspaper which struggles to maintain a weekday publication schedule and is barely staying afloat financially (based on past strips). And what better headline for a story on a director’s movie trailer than one which fails to mention either the director or the movie.

Ye Gods, Billy’s paths home in “Family Circus” aren’t as convoluted as the premise setting up today’s non-joke. Couldn’t Batiuk have just used “Headless Body in Topless Bar”?

“How about…Me and how I hate children watching Mission Impossible?” Emily: “Boozed News Pooh-poohs at Blues Clues Tom Cruise Snooze Toons Woozle Chix Nix Hick Pics!” “MY GOD YOU’RE A NATURAL!” (passes out after downing a bottle of Jim Beam)

“‘Sticks Nix Hick Pix’ is a famous1 headline printed in Variety, a newspaper covering Hollywood and the entertainment industry, on July 17, 1935” Cutting edge Depression era humor! Tommy’s got his finger on the pulse of 90 years ago!

Very Frank & Ernest.

“Building Code Under Fire!” seems to a popular headline.

And the number of times you’d actually ever get to write a headline about that: 0.

They should be talking about what sort of reporting he expects her to do, and also the fact that she most likely won’t be paid for any of the work. Being a local paper, she’ll probably be covering a lot of local council meetings and school events.

Shades of Shoe?

Well, I see why THIS small town paper is failing.

“Wait, Emily – what are you doing on that computer screen? The typesetter is over here!”

Stix Nix Hix Pix. IYKYK

Lame Dame Claims Fame, No Shame, Sad Refrain.

A Monday warning might have been: Skip Strip big Gyp.

fond blond says she seen hitchcocks magic wand

If you say so.

Those are for the AI……..

ight, HOW OLD IS THIS STRIP?

Okay for VARIETY,not OK for wherever here is

Funky Winkerbean has a sex change in

MOZZERELLA FELLA NOW CINDERELLA

Consider a job with Variety…

The EDITOR makes the headlines.

“Now let’s say you had to write a headline about a famous socialite who likes cuddling puppies.”

“Local newspaperman found dead after freak workplace accident”

“I don’t get it.”

“Trust me. You will.”

I just realized: the Replica Old-Timey News Room in the Historical Society building is the only place in Centerville whose walls are not covered with toxic black mold!

It’s gotta be the lead fumes from the Historically Authentic Linotype Machine.

It’s how punchlines work.

In high school journalism class we had an assignment to write headlines. My friend came up with “Hope Dies in America” for when Bob Hope would die.

I’d read that headline and been completely confused