Banff Is Also The Noise Their Engine Will Make When It Finally Gives Out
It’s a Friday afternoon. A young couple is filling up on gas at the truckstop where I work. As they’re paying up and buying some snacks they ask me in a British accent.
Customer: “What’s the fastest way to Banff National Park?”
Me: “In Alberta?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Uh, let me see. It’s a long way so I don’t really think about that route…”
Customer: “We’re thinking of driving there for the weekend and then returning to see Niagara Falls on Monday.”
Me: “Banff is nearly 4000 km. It’s at least a three-day drive.”
Customer: “Ha ha, very funny.”
Me: “…”
Customer: “So which way?”
Me: “Take the highway east and just… keep going I guess?”
I work in a toy store and we have a big, light-up water lamp filled with plastic jellyfish on our counter that look like they’re swimming. Every day someone asks if they’re real and we tell them “no, but they sure look real!”
I’m working at a snack stand in an amusement park; I’m outside on the register while my coworker is in the kitchen making popcorn. I find the smell of fresh popcorn intoxicating, and the craving wins out. I don’t want a lot, though, so I just grab a drink cup and pass it through an opening.
Me: “Hey, man, could I get some popcorn?”
Coworker: “Sure thing!”
He sees my hand with the cup reaching through the wall.
Coworker: “What’s this for?”
Me: “Could you just put it in that?”
He takes the cup but looks really confused.
Coworker: “But this is a cup?”
Me: “Yes?”
Coworker: “But the drinks are out there.”
Me: “I know, but I just want the popcorn in the cup.”
Coworker: “But popcorn isn’t a drink!”
Me: “[Coworker], you know you can put things other than drinks in a cup, right?”
Coworker: “Let me just get you a box.”
Our popcorn box holds about three times as much popcorn as I want, so I just give up.
Me: “Just forget it.”
I went inside with my cup and scooped some of the popcorn into it, and [Coworker] stared at me. I honestly think he possibly expected the popcorn to turn to liquid and me to actually drink it. I still don’t think he really understands that you are allowed to put solids into drink cups.
We rent out houses. This conversation did not happen to me, but my coworker.
Caller: “Hi, I heard my aunt passed away, and I need to empty the house, but I don’t have the key to the house. Could you arrange that I get a key?”
Coworker: “I’m so sorry to hear that, my condolences. Could I have the address of the deceased?”
We do not hand out keys when people just ask for it. There’s a whole procedure with check, check, double-check involved.
Caller: “No, I don’t know. It’s about [Very Generic Dutch Last Name].”
Coworker: “I’m afraid we have over five hundred tenants with this last name. Do you have a first name for me? And a date of birth?”
Caller: “No, I don’t know that. She was my aunt, and my family asked me to empty the house for them. That’s all I know.”
Coworker: “I’m afraid that if I don’t know who passed away, I can’t help you.”
Caller: “I just told you, Aunt [Name]! How can you not know who passed away? Don’t you have a list or so?”
Coworker: “No, we usually hear from the families who passed away. City Hall does not inform us automatically. I’m sorry for your loss, but perhaps you could ask your family which address we’re talking about.”
City Hall only informs us if there is no next of kin known and people had a City Funeral. Those are sad, empty funerals, where no one attends but sometimes a volunteer or City Poet.
Caller: “I can’t believe you don’t want to help me! You are really upsetting me! I will call my lawyer!” Click.
Coworker: “I do hope the lawyer knows the address then…”
Lie To Me, Make Your Own Bed, And Lie In That, Too
I work at a company that specializes in security, and among the things we’re known for is teaching companies how to thwart social engineering attacks.
A coworker has been getting phone calls all morning. Eventually, my boss, who has a very common name (let’s say it’s Smith), overhears:
Coworker: “I’m sorry, Mr. Smith left the building again already.”
Boss: After the call ends “What was that? Who wants to talk to me?”
Coworker: “A scammer.”
Boss: “How do you know he’s a scammer?”
Coworker: “Because he told me he’s a friend of ‘Mr. Smith’, and I asked him whether he wanted to talk to Mr. Herbert Smith or Mr. Peter Smith. He guessed Herbert.”
The boss’s name is Thomas, and we have neither a Herbert Smith nor a Peter Smith in the company. (All names have been changed to protect the people laughing their rears off, of course.)
Boss: “For how long has this been going?”
Coworker: “Since about 8:00. It’s now 11:00, and I want to see how long I can send him around in circles.”
Boss: In the best fake-indignant tone he can muster “I should tell you to stop that immediately. You do know very well that we sell training on how to stall and frustrate scammers, and you’re giving that lesson to that guy for free. No, wait, keep going, but take notes; we’ll use that in the next customer training.”
It took the scammer until 2:00 pm, with increasingly ridiculous excuses for why Herb Smith had juuuuuust left the office again, before he stopped calling.
I’m waiting for my drink at the coffee place. The barista is putting some ice into the drink when another customer shouts clear across the entire place.
Customer: “That’s enough ice!”
Barista: Shouting back. “This isn’t your order!”
Customer: Shouting back, even louder. “No need to yell, jeez!”
At this another unseen female customer in the crowd can be heard:
Unseen Customer: “Give that noisy b**** extra ice ‘cos she needs to chill the f*** out!”
At the pharmacy where I work, we get – surprisingly often – a customer who will bring an off-the-shelf item to the checkout (e.g. a bottle of Tylenol) and doesn’t buy it (e.g. because they’re asking if we carry a larger bottle). Our policy in such instances is that, if a cashier on duty is inclined to purchase that item, they can ring it through for themselves and pay for it while they’re on duty, so long as it doesn’t hold up any customers.
One day, I witnessed this scene with my coworker. A young lady and a young man came up to her till with a box of condoms and set them on the counter.
Coworker: “Did you find everything you needed today?”
Young Man: “Not quite. Do you have these in a larger size?”
Coworker: “No, we don’t. But I promise you these will be more than enough.”
Young Man: Smugly. “No, I don’t think they will.”
Coworker: “Trust me, these will fit on anything that has any business going inside a woman.”
Young Lady: “And what makes you get to decide what goes in my c***?”
“customer service” politeness vanished. Without another word, she grabbed the box, opened it, pulled out a condom, tore the wrapper off, shoved her hand inside, and stretched it over arm, 2/3 of the way to her shoulder.
The young man looked baffled. The young lady looked horrified. After a moment of the most awkward silence ever, [Coworker] pulled her hand out of the condom and tossed it in the trash can.
Coworker: “Anything else I can help you with today?”
The young lady turned and stormed off, and the young man muttered what sounded like an insult at [Coworker] before leaving as well. [Coworker] proceeded to ring the now-opened box of condoms through for herself.
In the BIBLE, anyone who was not JEWISH, thus GENTILE , were called DOGS. GENTILE DOGS. A Canaanite woman (Gentile) who contended with Jesus Christ about her sick daughter, begging Jesus to help her daughter. And He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” But she came and knelt before him, saying, “Lord, help me.” And he answered, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs.” (Gentile people) She said, “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table.” Then Jesus answered her, “O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed instantly. (Matthew 15:21–28) — After Jesus returned to Heaven, he sent Apostle (saul Jewish name – Paul, Roman name) Paul to the GENTILES to bring them the message of the cross. Jesus now saves all who believe. 1 Cor 15:1-4 Death, burial, resurrection – is the GOSPEL. Eph 2:8 For you are saved by GRACE through FAITH. So is WE DOGS are Now invited to BEULAH LAND.
Yakety Sax 12 days ago
This Mental Image Just Won’t Slip Away
I’m on a family group chat and felt like sharing why I had been absent from the chat for most of the day.
Me: “My twins buttered our dog. Each kid got a hold of a stick of butter, and they were buttering her from snoot to tail.”
Sister: “Okay, but why?!”
Me: “They’re two-year-old boys. Even they didn’t know why they did it.”
Sister: “Well, at least you stopped them.”
Me: “It got worse, though. Ever try to catch a freshly-buttered chihuahua? I’ll be finding oily butter marks around the house for weeks.”
Cousin: “‘Freshly-buttered chihuahua’ is not a term I’d ever considered running across before.”
Other Cousin: “On the plus side, I’ve been looking for a cool band name, so I guess this story has a silver lining.”
We saw “Freshly-Buttered Chihuahua” perform in the garage for the family that Thanksgiving!
Yakety Sax 12 days ago
Banff Is Also The Noise Their Engine Will Make When It Finally Gives Out
It’s a Friday afternoon. A young couple is filling up on gas at the truckstop where I work. As they’re paying up and buying some snacks they ask me in a British accent.
Customer: “What’s the fastest way to Banff National Park?”
Me: “In Alberta?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Uh, let me see. It’s a long way so I don’t really think about that route…”
Customer: “We’re thinking of driving there for the weekend and then returning to see Niagara Falls on Monday.”
Me: “Banff is nearly 4000 km. It’s at least a three-day drive.”
Customer: “Ha ha, very funny.”
Me: “…”
Customer: “So which way?”
Me: “Take the highway east and just… keep going I guess?”
Customer: “Thanks! Have a nice weekend!”
Yakety Sax 12 days ago
Wait Until They Discover Blobfish
I work in a toy store and we have a big, light-up water lamp filled with plastic jellyfish on our counter that look like they’re swimming. Every day someone asks if they’re real and we tell them “no, but they sure look real!”
One day it went a little different:
Kid: “Are those real jellyfish!?”
Kid’s Mother: “Honey, jellyfish aren’t real!”
Yakety Sax 12 days ago
Maybe If You Put Enough Butter On It…
I’m working at a snack stand in an amusement park; I’m outside on the register while my coworker is in the kitchen making popcorn. I find the smell of fresh popcorn intoxicating, and the craving wins out. I don’t want a lot, though, so I just grab a drink cup and pass it through an opening.
Me: “Hey, man, could I get some popcorn?”
Coworker: “Sure thing!”
He sees my hand with the cup reaching through the wall.
Coworker: “What’s this for?”
Me: “Could you just put it in that?”
He takes the cup but looks really confused.
Coworker: “But this is a cup?”
Me: “Yes?”
Coworker: “But the drinks are out there.”
Me: “I know, but I just want the popcorn in the cup.”
Coworker: “But popcorn isn’t a drink!”
Me: “[Coworker], you know you can put things other than drinks in a cup, right?”
Coworker: “Let me just get you a box.”
Our popcorn box holds about three times as much popcorn as I want, so I just give up.
Me: “Just forget it.”
I went inside with my cup and scooped some of the popcorn into it, and [Coworker] stared at me. I honestly think he possibly expected the popcorn to turn to liquid and me to actually drink it. I still don’t think he really understands that you are allowed to put solids into drink cups.
Yakety Sax 12 days ago
Not Addressing The Problem, Part 2
We rent out houses. This conversation did not happen to me, but my coworker.
Caller: “Hi, I heard my aunt passed away, and I need to empty the house, but I don’t have the key to the house. Could you arrange that I get a key?”
Coworker: “I’m so sorry to hear that, my condolences. Could I have the address of the deceased?”
We do not hand out keys when people just ask for it. There’s a whole procedure with check, check, double-check involved.
Caller: “No, I don’t know. It’s about [Very Generic Dutch Last Name].”
Coworker: “I’m afraid we have over five hundred tenants with this last name. Do you have a first name for me? And a date of birth?”
Caller: “No, I don’t know that. She was my aunt, and my family asked me to empty the house for them. That’s all I know.”
Coworker: “I’m afraid that if I don’t know who passed away, I can’t help you.”
Caller: “I just told you, Aunt [Name]! How can you not know who passed away? Don’t you have a list or so?”
Coworker: “No, we usually hear from the families who passed away. City Hall does not inform us automatically. I’m sorry for your loss, but perhaps you could ask your family which address we’re talking about.”
City Hall only informs us if there is no next of kin known and people had a City Funeral. Those are sad, empty funerals, where no one attends but sometimes a volunteer or City Poet.
Caller: “I can’t believe you don’t want to help me! You are really upsetting me! I will call my lawyer!” Click.
Coworker: “I do hope the lawyer knows the address then…”
Yakety Sax 12 days ago
Lie To Me, Make Your Own Bed, And Lie In That, Too
I work at a company that specializes in security, and among the things we’re known for is teaching companies how to thwart social engineering attacks.
A coworker has been getting phone calls all morning. Eventually, my boss, who has a very common name (let’s say it’s Smith), overhears:
Coworker: “I’m sorry, Mr. Smith left the building again already.”
Boss: After the call ends “What was that? Who wants to talk to me?”
Coworker: “A scammer.”
Boss: “How do you know he’s a scammer?”
Coworker: “Because he told me he’s a friend of ‘Mr. Smith’, and I asked him whether he wanted to talk to Mr. Herbert Smith or Mr. Peter Smith. He guessed Herbert.”
The boss’s name is Thomas, and we have neither a Herbert Smith nor a Peter Smith in the company. (All names have been changed to protect the people laughing their rears off, of course.)
Boss: “For how long has this been going?”
Coworker: “Since about 8:00. It’s now 11:00, and I want to see how long I can send him around in circles.”
Boss: In the best fake-indignant tone he can muster “I should tell you to stop that immediately. You do know very well that we sell training on how to stall and frustrate scammers, and you’re giving that lesson to that guy for free. No, wait, keep going, but take notes; we’ll use that in the next customer training.”
It took the scammer until 2:00 pm, with increasingly ridiculous excuses for why Herb Smith had juuuuuust left the office again, before he stopped calling.
Yakety Sax 12 days ago
The Ice Is Thin In This Coffee Place!
I’m waiting for my drink at the coffee place. The barista is putting some ice into the drink when another customer shouts clear across the entire place.
Customer: “That’s enough ice!”
Barista: Shouting back. “This isn’t your order!”
Customer: Shouting back, even louder. “No need to yell, jeez!”
At this another unseen female customer in the crowd can be heard:
Unseen Customer: “Give that noisy b**** extra ice ‘cos she needs to chill the f*** out!”
seanfear 12 days ago
strikes me … usually here we call them either “piece of $hit” or “pigs” … and occasionally “SOB”
Yakety Sax 12 days ago
It’s A Stretch, But We Think They Understood
At the pharmacy where I work, we get – surprisingly often – a customer who will bring an off-the-shelf item to the checkout (e.g. a bottle of Tylenol) and doesn’t buy it (e.g. because they’re asking if we carry a larger bottle). Our policy in such instances is that, if a cashier on duty is inclined to purchase that item, they can ring it through for themselves and pay for it while they’re on duty, so long as it doesn’t hold up any customers.
One day, I witnessed this scene with my coworker. A young lady and a young man came up to her till with a box of condoms and set them on the counter.
Coworker: “Did you find everything you needed today?”
Young Man: “Not quite. Do you have these in a larger size?”
Coworker: “No, we don’t. But I promise you these will be more than enough.”
Young Man: Smugly. “No, I don’t think they will.”
Coworker: “Trust me, these will fit on anything that has any business going inside a woman.”
Young Lady: “And what makes you get to decide what goes in my c***?”
“customer service” politeness vanished. Without another word, she grabbed the box, opened it, pulled out a condom, tore the wrapper off, shoved her hand inside, and stretched it over arm, 2/3 of the way to her shoulder.The young man looked baffled. The young lady looked horrified. After a moment of the most awkward silence ever, [Coworker] pulled her hand out of the condom and tossed it in the trash can.
Coworker: “Anything else I can help you with today?”
The young lady turned and stormed off, and the young man muttered what sounded like an insult at [Coworker] before leaving as well. [Coworker] proceeded to ring the now-opened box of condoms through for herself.
FreyjaRN Premium Member 12 days ago
All true. We had the best Black Lab.
MY DOG IS MY CO PILOT 12 days ago
Absolutely true.
Doug K 12 days ago
Apparently no dog has ever gotten to know Aunty Acid.
Macushlalondra 12 days ago
Yes there are better words to refer to them as than dogs. How about pigs or skunks?
Shirl Summ Premium Member 12 days ago
And please do not refer to me as the mother of a dog, because that is a word I cannot print here.
walstib Premium Member 12 days ago
We also call sore tired feet “dogs”.
dbrucepm 12 days ago
same reason bad women are referred to as b!tches
rlfekete1 Premium Member 12 days ago
Maybe they should be called Hyena’s.
kaycstamper 12 days ago
Well maybe once in a while when they want a treat…
Daltongang Premium Member 12 days ago
Why Aunty, because the double standard is still with us, that’s why. Women just don’t want to admit it.
ladykat 12 days ago
Exactly! Dogs are nicer than people.
CorkLock 12 days ago
In the BIBLE, anyone who was not JEWISH, thus GENTILE , were called DOGS. GENTILE DOGS. A Canaanite woman (Gentile) who contended with Jesus Christ about her sick daughter, begging Jesus to help her daughter. And He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” But she came and knelt before him, saying, “Lord, help me.” And he answered, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs.” (Gentile people) She said, “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table.” Then Jesus answered her, “O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed instantly. (Matthew 15:21–28) — After Jesus returned to Heaven, he sent Apostle (saul Jewish name – Paul, Roman name) Paul to the GENTILES to bring them the message of the cross. Jesus now saves all who believe. 1 Cor 15:1-4 Death, burial, resurrection – is the GOSPEL. Eph 2:8 For you are saved by GRACE through FAITH. So is WE DOGS are Now invited to BEULAH LAND.
dflak 12 days ago
It is obvious that golden retrievers did not evolve in the wild. One cannot subdue prey by licking it and shedding all over it.
rockyridge1977 12 days ago
Must be Male Bashing Day!!!!!!
b.john71 11 days ago
?because we symbolicly lift our leg and degrade(pee on)you??
RadioDial Premium Member 11 days ago
..it’s an expression of yore, long before today’s pampered, house living, relationship replacement pets we see today..
stillfickled Premium Member 11 days ago
Why does her statement end with a ?
cuzinron47 11 days ago
Says the crazy cat lady, and exaggerating with the lady part.
Smeagol 11 days ago
I call my guy friends dog in jest, really bad men I say M F but I use MOFO as a compliment like Bruce Lee was a MOFO.
lawguy05 11 days ago
Women do those things too :-(
olds_cool63 11 days ago
What an insult to dogs!
sirjackum 11 days ago
My dog has gotten good at gaslighting me.
marc rossi Premium Member 11 days ago
Mikeswolvesbane 11 days ago
Back to the subject at hand; I recall reading about ancient wars of the Middle East and Northern Africa.
The scourge of the battlefield were flies, rats and wild dogs; all three desecrated the bodies of the fallen heroes.
bakana 7 days ago
But, they do sometimes either Chew up your shoes or Pee in them.