Gil Thorp by Henry Barajas and Rachel Merrill for August 24, 2017

Heather’s as incredulous over this story as we are.

P1, I’m a bit confused. Is Heather the consultant or the consultee? And what does that make Jaquan? And does this mean that Trey is out of the picture altogether? Oh well, at least Trey, or was it Tru(E) managed to walk off with Mimi. Pedro must have been deported.

P2, And now that Heather’s 18 she’s fending off you, Moose and Gil.

P3, Or is the NBA Tru(E)ly tired of you?

In all reality , Headline on today’s Milford Trumpet MILFORD FOOTBALL SET TO OPEN SEASON WITH OUT PRACTICE .2017 Milford football team is set to open it’s season without having a single practice conducted by its legendary Coach Gil Thorp . We had Heather Burns run a few practices but she stopped when a washed up NBA player asked her to train him stated star player Kevin Pelwickie . Valley Conference rules state a team must have 15 days of practice before it can play a game . Coach Thorp could not be located for comment .

Heather: OK, if you want to play football so much, why don’t you be the quarterback, and I’ll be the center! And no shotgun formation!

Are they warming down in P1, complete with a warm down stretch? P3- Those are the eyelashes of a Cover Girl. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Why couldn’t we have just followed Gil to the MCC?

Heather Burns is one of those annoyingly wise-beyond-her-years teenagers popular in fiction but non-existent in real life.

OK Jaquan, you’re 30, you’re injured, and you’re tired of the NBA. But do you really think pro football is a good second career? It seems to me that you should just hang up your name-brand basketball shoes and settle down in Milford in a real job. Have you considered a career in industrial solvents? Milford is short a salesman now.

P1: how does she get her knee to bend like that when she runs? P4: “and if you are such a hotshot NBA star, why do you need a ride from a punk like me? Ya’ know, MJ has his own handlers who cart him around in a top-of-the-line Mercedes with plates that are marked ‘Air 23’ and don’t even get me goin’ on how LeBron gets driven places”

Well, Heather, if you’re going to compare his story to your giving up soccer last year, don’t leave out the part that making the NFL doesn’t necessarily mean starting. So Jaquan, would you be happier watching from an NFL bench or an NBA bench. Personally, I’d rather tolerate the BO from the starting 5, than the weather conditions at an outdoor venue during the fall and maybe January. Those parkas aren’t very efficient. Oh, and by the way, how’s your Special Teams skills, back-ups usually need to “sacrifice” their bodies several times every game. On the other hand, if you enjoy wearing tight pants (as much as Heather enjoys watching them)…

So yesterday I kept changing my mind as to whether or not it was Heather or Mimi that Gil asked to drive LQ home. I think half of us thought it was Mimi, since that seemed to make more sense. But, no. I guess I should have figured, realistically, you’d have to assume Mimi had an appointment with the pool boy again.

Wait, when Jaquan was 18, he was fending off agents and shoe companies? It must not have registered with me the last 15 times he said it. “Oh, poor poor me, having to fend off fame and fortune at such a young age due to my incredible athletic talents.” That there is what’s known as a “humblebrag”.

I guess Quan got dropped by his old shoe brand and is now hawking Big Ballers with LaVar and the family. Didn’t save his money from the ‘uncle’, so he’s looking for a new gig. Gil suggested putting Quan’s face on GIL mugs and selling them all over the Valley, and they would split it 70/30.

Heather’s an unusual 18-year-old in that she seems aware she doesn’t know everything.