Frog Applause by Teresa Burritt for November 17, 2020

Forget about the fern, buy a feck instead. Or a gorm.

This is exactly how I imagine a world devoid of ferns gorms and fecks would feel like.

…and a wastrel to boot…

…you ne’er-do-well…

… and by golly I like you…

…one name comes to mind: Dagwood Bumstead…

…he got disinherited because he married a flapper Gibson girl…

…she had barely a fern to cover herself up…

…so there is something to say about being formless and feckless…

…in fact, Abraham Lincoln once famously stated…

…“the feckless, gormless and fernless soldiers of the north are the backbone of our liberty, the keepers of our outhouses, and the pickle of our surveillance”…

…pretty girls are drawn for them…

…and they must have that special something ….

…probably McDonald’s special sausage…

Ferns are being sold, as we speak, down the road at ADAM AND EVE’s nursery….3 for a dollar, one block south of the FL Bathmat factory…. for all you feckless and gormless clients, get lost….we don’t need your two-bits.

Also, your navel is an outie.

Grab yourself ole Jackie Onassis

Calmly rip off her sunglasses

Tell you’re a hillbilly you’re not a fascist

You eat cornpone and you __________________."

(with apologies to Zorro and the Blue Footballs c. 1977)

Gorm and feck will be harder to come by.

Whadda ya mean? I got plenty of freckles!

I know people with even less feck. And I don’t want any gorm, fern now.

If Jackie’s sellin’, I’m buyin’.

Ferns grow like weeds where I live but so does feck and gorm, I could do with less.

Luckily I can give a feck.

Boston Fern?

Boston Charlie!

I’m also fernless. I should get one, though, for Toonces (my cat).

But are you sheveled or ruly?

“I am no longer ert, for I have lost my ertia.” (Thurber)

I left my gorm in my locker, may I be excused to go get it?

So, would you like more or less of a fern …?

That’s ok. I’m still kinda frond of you.

Re: smørrebrød

The line “piled high with delicacies” makes me think of how weird humans are and our way of arbitrarily categorizing things. What some call delicacies, others find disgusting, and what was once considered unpalatable suddenly becomes of a “refined” sensibility. Lobster was once considered unfit for anyone but the poor, but look at it now. Humans, Pfffft.

I have a small supply, certified genuine, that I’d be willing to part with.

Gorm… gorm… it’s such a woody word.

It’s not nice to go around criticizing the fernless, gormless, feckless among us. We are protected by the Froglandians With Disabilities Act of 2020! Also the FGFA activist group lobbies strongly (with forceful peaceful demonstrations) on our behalf.

How much for the ferns?