Close to Home by John McPherson for April 15, 2024

MRI: Moronically Resisting Information

(I work in an outpatient medical imaging facility where we do MRIs, X-rays, ultrasounds, etc. Every exam we do must be ordered by a physician. These physicians oftentimes don’t know the machinery like we do and sometimes answer their patients’ questions incorrectly. For reference: an MRI machine is a long tube with both ends being open. An open MRI machine is open on three sides and is easier for claustrophobic patients to handle. This patient calls in with some questions before her exam.)

Patient: “My doctor told me your machine was an open MRI.”

Me: “I’m sorry; he was mistaken. Our machine is the regular tube-like kind.”

Patient: “But he said it was open!”

Me: knowing this doctor knows our machine is not the open kind “I’m sorry, but it’s not. I don’t know why he would have told you that.”

Patient: “I’m severely claustrophobic! I can’t be in a tube!”

Me: “I understand. I’d recommend talking to your doctor about taking some kind of sedation. Most of our claustrophobic patients can get through their exam when they’ve taken a mild sedative beforehand. Your doctor would need to prescribe that for you.”

Patient: “But he said it was an open MRI!”

Me: “Yes… I understand he said that, but I’m sorry. It’s not.”

Patient: “I’m claustrophobic! I can’t go in that little tube!”

Me: “You could go to [Local Hospital] and have your MRI there. They can do complete sedation, which is unfortunately something we do not offer. Again, you would need to talk to your doctor about that.”

Patient: “But he specifically told me your machine was an open MRI! I can’t do the tube!”

(We go on in circles like this for a few minutes, she saying her doctor told her our machine was open and me reiterating that it isn’t. Finally, I get fed up.)

(Contd)

Be sure to tell her to relax.

Easier pulling her through the exam..

The way MRI machines look reminds me a little too much of how cremation ovens look, although the MRI has a round opening and the cremation machine has a square one. Of course it’s an irrational fear, but nevertheless, it adds to my discomfort when I’m about to have an MRI done.

When I was studying chemistry in the late 1970’s the technology was being used for unknown identifications and was called “Nuclear Magnetic Resonance Imaging”. They dropped the “Nuclear” to preclude scaring idiots when it became a medical imaging device.

Hmmm, it’s a little confusing.

Are they greasin’ her up to squeeze her through it, or are they about to bake sump’n?

OK, Bleeb. All you have to do is make your way up the side of the machine and hop onto the end of the table as it is going into the tube . . .

I wonder what happened last week.

When technicians develop a sick sense of humor.

I recommend looking up Dr. Raymond Damadian, his work on MRI and the odd lack of recognition.

Thanks for sharing?

It’s kinda like a Jeffries tube in a starship…

Since when is grease black?

Their not too subtle way of saying she needs to lose some bulk.

The grease may make you feel a little itchy. Oh, and don’t move.

I don’t believe they really have to stuff you into that noise tube. I think they just have a weird sense of humor.

“Due to the expense of MRI sessions, we’ve attached a waterslide to the back of the tube to expedite your exit. Once scanning is completed, you’ll be ejected into a pool near a funnel cake vendor.”

They had to earn degrees in order to handle d’grease.

Wait. Wait. What???!

Bleeb shouldn’t be in there due to the loud noise.

Some individuals have to be referred to a special “large animal” MRI unit, normally used by veterinarians on horses.

Annnd you got to go now

I had to take a Valium for my last MRI.