Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for July 09, 2021

Remember the words of George Carlin, “Those who drive slower than you are morons. Those who drive faster are maniacs.”

Add to that: “Come on, moron, put your phone down!”

One of mine is “It’s the pedal on the right!”

Gee, you must be really popular around your neighbourhood, Aunty!

“Hey, the light turned green!”

You’re a very important person and your time is far more valuable than mine; by all means, take the whole freaking road!

To the slow Porsche driver: “just get a Buick, idiot”

I may be one of those drivers people curse at. I drive as if there were a raw egg taped to both the accelerator and brake. I don’t stomp on either.

I have absolutely no problem driving my usual 5 mph above the speed limit as everyone else seems to be doing. It’s just that I do not feel to be compelled to get there in 2.5 seconds (about the acceleration of a rocket sled).

Likewise I maintain distance between me and the car in front of me so that I can use minor throttle adjustments rather than the brakes to maintain distance. A number of years of flying airplanes in formation trained me for this task.

Also I play the lights, I will take my foot off the accelerator a thousand feet before a light I just observed to turn read. Quite often I can coast through it at speed just as it turns green while my NASCAR driver wannabe co-drivers have to accelerate from a dead stop. I am never in a hurry to get to the next red light.

I’m quite aware of the high school physics I’ve learned and Newton’s laws: particularly F= ma: the harder you accelerate, the more gas you burn. Also I put a lot less wear and tear on the car and on my nerves.

I never fight traffic. Traffic ALWAYS wins. If I need to be somewhere 5 minutes earlier, I leave 5 minutes earlier. It’s a commute, not a competition. Nobody has ever dropped the checkered flag as I came speeding into the parking lot with engine roaring tires screeching.

When I encounter one of “those” drivers, I think “Some people can’t get through the day without proving what assholes they are; some of them jump on every opportunity.” I laugh, back off to a distance where I can observe the accident without being involved in it, and say a prayer that he doesn’t injure himself or others before he gets where he is going.

I have two choices when I drive: get upset about the traffic or sit back and enjoy the ride. Either way, I get there at the same time.

Aunty, why don’t you install blue lights and a siren in that 1970s piece of junk? Only fitting for the queen of right away.

For me… it’s get off your phone and DRIVE! Most prevalent in the passing lane when any driver takes fifteen miles to pass a Smartcar.

Went to the airport the other day. Amazing how people have no concept of queuing up: the line for arrivals was quite long so people kept trying to pass each other jamming the line for the rest of us. I just sat patiently waiting, letting them pass and cut in; after all, I was in no hurry. I was there to pick up my wife.

When I lived in NJ, I thought all the bad drivers were from NY. When I moved to VA, I thought all the bad drivers were from MD. Now, I’ve lived long enough and seen enough to know that they’re all bad, no matter where they’re from.

Our area recently began the use of traffic circles. You would swear that people are totally incapable of understanding their function and execution of these!

Also: Get off my (bumper)! and Get off the freaking phone!! I don’t shout this but laugh and say, “Well, look at you, made it to the red light 5 seconds before me.”

“You drive like an old lady! Oh, you are an old lady…”

My favorite is “Get on your side of the road, buddy and stay there”. People here in these hills like to drive along the center line like they’re driving a slot car. That doesn’t work too well on a two lane road full of curves and hills.

I remind MYSELF, “Don’t play A-hole games with A-holes – they’re naturally better at it than I am.”

Nice Morris Minor convertible Aunty. Is it for sale?

I can see what people yell at her, “Could you turn that car off, you’re makin’ me dizzy!”.

When someone cuts close in front of me i just say," Well, go ahead then." And slow down and wave him/her over.

Pick a lane, asshole.

“Pick a lane!”

“Gas is on the right!”

I just noticed the license plate. Does anyone know if Ged from England? I tried looking it up and the info on him is scant.

“Peddle that Kiddie Cart faster if you are going to compete with Real Cars.”

“The Steering Wheel will NOT break off if you turn it all the way.”

“Left Lane, Right Lane. Pick One!”

“Take that damned #$%^&^ Newspaper off the steering wheel and Pay Attention to where you are going!”

And, yes, that last one is REAL. I’ve seen people driving with Newspapers, Magazines, Books, etc. spread out on the steering wheel.

Did you run outta indicator light fluid!

My most used comment is: “Who gave this idiot a license?”

A lady in the parking lot heard me and said: “Oh honey, they’ll give one to anyone”. That’s the answer!