Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for November 02, 2021

Short book

Would it help if Rat just left the word “a” out of the title?

It’s Doktor Frankenstein’s favorite book. Few words that contain a philosophy.

Any other method of getting ahead would be completely foreign to Rat.

There’s a category of word play in which you alter the emphasis of a sentence to make a pun:

What’s that you’re getting out of? Your pocket?

What’s that in the road? A head?

etc.

With the current labor shortage, you could get a job at a morgue. A crematorium might be better because no one will notice a missing head.

Isn’t that getting a head in death?

Another way to get a head in life is going to a lettuce and cabbage garden.

Rat heard it pays to get a head so…

Monty Python made the same joke, with John Cleese playing Ghenngis Khan. His kids are delighted to receive a severed head from dad, who says “I want you two to get ahead.” He treats himself to a smarmy wink.

San Diego has a freeway named The Ted Williams Expressway, after the great baseball player, Ted Williams. Certain traffic reporters used to say things like “it’s a tough morning to get ahead on the Ted Williams” or “best plan ahead if you’re taking the Ted Williams this morning” For those who don’t know, Ted Williams requested his head be cryogenically frozen upon his demise. RIP Ted, you were ahead of your time.

Ugh…Newhart via Benny Hill.

Somewhere here there’s a joke about how it’s better to give than receive

Reminds me of the old Monkey Island™ game and “How To Get A Head In Navigating”. Wonder if anyone here will get that reference…

Huge difference ahead or a head! Took me a while!

A lot less messy than robbing graves Especially when it’s raining.

So said Igor.

You could also realize that you don’t have to get a head (in life), you (already) came with a head when you were born. Unless, of course, you’ve lost your head (and your mind).

Rat’s right (as usual). Some people will do anything to get ahead.

Leopold of “Scary Gary” already has this one figured out!

He could also get a leg up on life.

No more puns!

Abby who?

The decedent was Named Abby something or other

Foreword by Igor

The other day, driving down the highway, Waze announced: “Police reported ahead.” I asked my wife, “Did they report the rest of the body yet?” (da-dish-bump!)

“I ain’t got no body, and nobody cares for me…!”

Its ALIVE ! Bwa ha,ha ,ha !

We used to yell at a new driver, “Look! In the road a-head!”

“What’s that in the road? A head?”“CUT! The line is ’What’s that in the road ahead?”

Courtesy of Benny Hill

So Rat is trying a pun of his own?

I would check Jeffrey Dahmer’s freezer first.

Would also work with identities.

OK folks, enough…. let’s quit while we’re a head…

Why not just buy one of those plastic-wrapped lettuce? There. You just got a head… of lettuce.

People – please don’t encourage Mr. Pastis to keep doing inane puns!

That space between the a and h really does make a big difference! :-)

Well, without one, life’s a little short.

Why go to all that trouble? Just flip a coin. You’ll get a head about half the time.

Don Martin would be proud. Or spinning in his grave…. 50/50.

In addition to spelling and punctuation, line breaks are important. For example, consider the bumper sticker

LOVE PEOPLE

COOK THEM TASTY FOOD!

and how you get an entirely different vibe if you try to save horizontal space by breaking that 2nd line into 2 parts:

LOVE PEOPLE

COOK THEM

TASTY FOOD!

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?” But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.

So… I switched the heads"

Rat’s version sounds like more fun! Goat is a drudge….

Kinda like the subtle difference between …

“Let’s eat Grandma!” … [and] …

“Let’s eat, Grandma!”

Punctuation saves lives.

idgi

YIKES !