Crankshaft by Tom Batiuk and Dan Davis for June 26, 2024

Umm, you moved back to Westview in 2008, Mopey, at which time you were writing Superman for DC Comics after leaving Marvel. At no point in the 16 years that followed did you think to schlep over to the Columbus IKEA to buy a couple of pieces of furniture? And you said back in 2019 that you blew the engagement ring money trying to win Min-dull a stuffed engagement tiger, remember?

I think I have it now…Ed’s purpose this week is to act as Greek chorus as Batiuk unleashes unresolved FW plotline after unresolved FW plotline.

So. TimeMop turns up once in a single panel, and now…everything’s 30 years ago? Crank’s not 105, he’s 70! Cindy’s not 70, she’s 35! The Shining Twins must be blastocysts by now. The only successful character in the strip’s history, Droop Dogg, is poor again? And Centerville and Westview are the SAME PLACE! One thing that hasn’t changed: The punchlines aren’t funny, so they are demonstrated in the last panel—with SMIRKS!

By now shouldn’t Mr. Insanely Successful Comics Writer have saved enough to buy all of Westview and Centerville, with money left over for the ring, wedding, honeymoon and house? He can’t possibly have blown it all on that new blue shirt! And shouldn’t Mindy have some awareness of his financial worth? Or is he financing the Montoni’s empire on a credit card and the loose change in the used clothes he buys from Good Will?

On the other hand, at least Cranky’s been with us for more than one day…

Hey what the hell is ya trying to does right in front of her grandpaw? Has you no shame ya mopey dopey creepy unsufferable uncouth.

“It’s true, babe. You wouldn’t believe just how much a box of Crackerjack cost these days!”

“Unfortunately, I spent it all on this rare comic book so we’re back to square one on that.”

I can’t even focus on Mopey’s finances right now because I am still stunned by the revelation that Mindy has been dating him for some time; they have been co-workers at the comic book publisher for some time; they have been engaged twice (once with a tiger, once without); they have bought an old pizza place together and, yet, somehow, this is the first time she has ever been to his apartment. Even by Batiuk’s Generic Blonde standards, that is pretty bad.

Wait, wait, I want to say it today.

It’s only a comic strip!

Stop talking while you are ahead!!!!

Oh Look, Crankshaft is in Not one, BUT TWO, that’s right folks, TWO PANELS today.

Even by the nothingburger standards of Cranky Shafterbean, this one’s exceptional in its lack of anything happening.

Is “take the win” some kind of Ahia idiom for something like “quit while you’re ahead”? Or is Tom again trying to create a new catchphrase, like “solo car date” or “vendo”?

Of course, that’s not what she would have really said.

Yawn.

wheres the pizza box monster ? not at the comic store

Attaboy Cranky…attaboy!

Even in central Ohio, can spending your life with a thirtysomething (fortysomething? Only Timemop knows for sure), droopy-lidded, nerdy comic book writer-turned-pizzeria owner who lovingly hangs superhero posters on his apartment walls but can’t be bothered to buy furniture (except for his Flash Cosmic Treadmill) really be considered “taking the win”?

pete blew all his money on truth social stock

… and Mopey Pete’s retirement before 30.