The Argyle Sweater by Scott Hilburn for February 10, 2025

She’s crushing it.

They told me that I had to take a drug test. I crammed for weeks but somehow still failed.

Out of tech school my son passed his tests for a job at an aerospace company. He told me, “Ya, Dad, I was the only one who passed the hydraulic test AND the drug test.”

I have to get blood tests now and then, I try to study for them, I usually pass so I guess it worked!

Daily drug tests must be a drag by the dregs of the day.

Before starting a job, l was told l needed to take a urine test. I didn’t show up.

I’ve got more important things to do than bone up on pi$$.

“I’m in favor of drug tests, just so long as they are multiple choice.”

Kurt Rambis

[old joke]

“According to this drug test you’ve been snorting heroin.”

“No way! It must be the poppy seeds from my morning bagel giving you a false positive.”

“The test also says you were using cocaine, pot, and LSD.”

“It was an everything bagel.”

You must pass a drug test to work at our provincial cannabis dispensary. You really have to know your s—t!

I want a new drug…test, that is.

Better than a daily pregnancy test … here’s a little cup.

Long time ago I mentored a very smart & attractive psych. phd student. She had a bright future. But when she found out she could make twice the money and better hours being a pharmacy rep, away she went.

All my test Go Up in Smoke

ba dum tss

While mixing medications, she suffered a compound fracture.

While driving a school bus, we often had random drug tests. Which is good, you don’t want a stoned driver with children, but a mild buzz after route might have been better than the occasional alcohol abuse that seemed to go with the job. Our ride-along aides were not required to be tested, guess who lit up after work. ;-)

Sounds rough. Accounting school didn’t have tests every day.

English can be so confusing.

I subscribe to YouTube bushwhacking videos. Two of them are beautiful lady pharmacists who quit and went camping permanently. They have doctorate degrees, you know.

Back in the eighties I worked for a security firm and we were subject to random drug testing. One of our officers had an in with someone in the office. He knew he was up for a test, but not the exact time. He got a pal to give him a clean sample (Not that hard to fool tests at that time) and carried it in a small bottle in his pants to keep it warm. He slipped the sample in the specimen cup and figured he was home free. Unfortunately for him he used an old stash bottle to store his clean urine. The test came back as inconclusive as the result was off the chart. He got called in immediately for another test and fessed up.

“Yep. That one tastes like Fentanyl. And this one tastes like Psilocybin, but that easy. I pass the test!”

Her mother told her to go to rehab. She said “no, no, no.”

I think I could fail a blood test.

If it lasts for more than four hours, you didn’t study hard enough.

“If you don’t want your boys to be caught with drugs, don’t drug-test them.” —Bobby Bowden, college football coach

Hey! Don’t get testy with me, young lady!

Mom can obviously be a bit of a pill at times.