Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for July 24, 2019

My favorite is how they describe the house being in the “area” of a good neighborhood but it’s actually half-mile away from the place mentioned.

A facet I didn’t know about Rat, I knew he’s sarcastic but I did not imagine that he knew how to program an app.

Rat must have also programmed Google Translate?

Sometime very early in the twentieth century, the British magazine “Punch” had a cartoon of real estate agent telling a client “And it’s only ten minutes from the station. why, our Mr Speedwell can do it in five” Mr Speedwell, just behind him, was a tall athletic young man in running shorts.

Truth in advertising!

What I need is an app that hurls expletives excessively at spam callers.

But Rat is it your money or OPM ? …… Croc Power !

Actually “Charming little fixer-upper…” REALLY means “Bring 5 gallons of gasoline, and a match…”

‘Cozy’ = size of dumpster.

AKA “The Money Pit”…

“Charming” is a dead giveaway!

Catch phrases to get one’s attention and curiosity ……read between the lines….

Is there anyone out there that believes the a house is in move in condition?

Don’t forget the deceptive online photos. Our neighbor’s house listing included pictures of a “neighborhood lake” with wording that implied kids could bike to it – a pay-to-enter park which was 6 mile away by highway and in a different county. 6 miles in our traffic is a 15 to 20 minute drive.

Almost every real estate agent I’ve worked with has lied to me.

Speaking as someone with 16 years experience in the real-estate industry, I am about to share the hell out of this.

Got an extreme “fixer” eight years ago at a foreclosure sale, $150K. Eight years and $80K later, we have a $470K home.

Just bought a new house, did we ?

This:https://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com/

and this:https://badmlsphotos.com/

That cozy fixer has land under it. Put a McMansion on it, take the money, and run.

Gotta love it.

My eyes are up here.

Fixer-upper = Tear-it-downer.

charming = small; little = REALLY small; fixer upper = you’ll drain your savings fixing basic necessities to make it livable

Charming: Architect was insane

Cute: Small

Compact: Tiny

Country Estate: Dead truck in the yard

Fixer Upper: Roof leaks, plumbing leaks, kitchen counters made of linoleum.

Ready to move in: If you’re a rat

Friendly neighborhood: True if you are willing to “lend” your tools

Well maintained: It has recently been painted. Orange.

Large yard: So many weeds you can’t see the fence line

Real estate agents are no more than upscale used car salesmen/women.

Yeah, Rat; but sometimes “You can’t handle the Truth!”

Come up with one for Illinois voters so they can understand what the politicians are really promising when they campaign. (Hint: The answer is always “More Taxes.”)

Loaded with charm—-old and in need of serious repair.