Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for September 10, 2019

But Stephan used a private company. A private company would never turn over information to the government.

You are right Goat. No one would voluntarily give it. They will PAY to give it.

Even if a couple of your relatives do this, they’ve got you.

I’ve always wanted to do one of those. They’ve always sounded fun.

Just remember Goat, do not spit, pee, poop, or shed while in the woods.

By the time you want to return to civilization, the government will consider you a politician because you’re full of it. By then, you too could related to Elizabeth Warren.

Even if you don’t take it, if all of your relatives take it, you may learn more than you wanted to know. A murderer was caught that way. He never took the test, but relatives did.

This tracks with a request by the US Air Force back in 2017 for synovial tissue/RNA samples from people of Russian descent. Solicitation number: FA3016-17-U-0164 if anyone is curious. Possible genetic bio-weaponry research? So…yeah, there’s no way that could ever go wrong and wipe out the entire human race.

Why are you more worried about what “the government” might do with your personal data than the private firms? You live in a Republic with (almost) democratically elected representatives. If you don’t like what YOUR government is doing, get off your butt and do something about it. While you’re at it. be suspicious of anyone who says your government is your enemy. (Stephan is of course just making a joke.)

Er, Stephan, if you’re HALF-Italian, that means that one of your parents has been lying your whole life about who your other parent really is and about the circumstances of your conception. In other words, one of your parents was sleeping around before you were born!

But rat, private health insurance companies have more motivation to track your "genetic vulnerabilities than the government does.

I’m curious which half of Pastis is the Italian half.

Rat you are certainly paranoid as well as brilliant. And so you should be. They are out to get you.

Widespread genetic testing will finally prove one thing…Grannies lie.

And yet your name is a French aperitif.

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you.

Kurt Cobain

Stephan why did you pay for something that your parents already told you ? …… Croc Power !

The other half is pure idiot.

The Navy took a DNA sample from me years before the commercial tests became popular, so unless they lost it, they had my information anyway.

When I did get one of the commercial tests, it revealed that my ancestry was pretty much what my parents had always told me. But they do send me periodic reports on whether or not I might be susceptible to this or that medical condition.

Hello mudder, hello fadder

Better yet the government would PAY ME to take a free genetic test. After all we all love FREE things from the government!

You’re shortsighted, Rat. Rent Gattaca and you’ll understand why.

So… I just paid my quarterly estimated income tax and licked the flap on the envelope. I guess they now have my DNA…

Of course not!

1/2 italian, 1/2 oil and vinegar…

Have you been to a doctor or ever given blood? The government already has your DNA.

I gave samples to two different companies, one of which is AllOfUs, the million genome project in the USA.

Stephan…your name is Pastis not Pastas! Duh! ;o]

The police in the Golden State Killer case submitted the unsub’s DNA to an ancestry data bank and got several familial matches, from which they narrowed the pool down enough to nab alleged perpetrator (he hasn’t been tried or convicted yet). I’d say that’s a pretty sharp double-edged sword.

All Goverments are too inept and short sighted to ever pull off any of the nefarious plots they are accused of. However the Real Corporate Overlords are more than capable and willing to do that to boost their Market Share and Profit Margins.

Stephan is half-Italian, and so totally screwed!

A little better than what they’re doing in Hong Kong

I’m so old, I don’t have DNA, I’m just n/a (“not applicable”).

I’m a little worried what use a new Adolph would have for that data.

I found out I’m mostly Moron.

But, there is also a dash of Dolt and a sprinkle of Nincompoop thrown in.

By this time I’m fairly sure the NSA, FBI and CIA have a dossier on everyone in the U.S. who has ever had a Social Security Card, used a cell phone, the Internet, has a credit card, bank account, a cable TV subscription, applied for a driver’s license or visited a hospital. It’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you. ; )

Of course, it’s all in the name of National Security and has nothing to do with selling you anything.

BRB… someone just knocked on my door. I just barely have time to post this…

I’d make it a hollow log in the woods. In Canada.

Sooner or later, they will start collecting DNA from everybody at birth. Gattaca.

Do yourself a favor, Stephan, and actually look at your genealogy rather than pay Ancestory.com for a kit.

We’ve seen several cold cases solved lately because genetic evidence was linked to relatives of the perp who had done the genetic testing thing. (I’m reasonably certain that it won’t be long until the perp themself is found because they were sucked in by the hype.)

Which half?

In response to Rat: yes.

To Cartoon-Boy: dolt! Those “popular” DNA services are notoriously unreliable….

i would like this but i dont want to disturb the beautiful 400 likes

I took one of those. I’m 40% Wakandian, 33% Kryptonian, 18% Brooklynite, and 9% unknown regions of the universe