Crankshaft by Tom Batiuk and Dan Davis for October 26, 2024

“It was a dork and smarmy night . . . " FIFY.

Funny how Boy Lisa and Whosis have the same color hair. It’s as though some eldritch accident overtook them in the bathroom and they accidentally used the same rinse, which mutated their scalp lice and allowed the creatures to feed on their brain-waves, leading to the sad little mutants puking their beige guts out.

What? This strip has been a week of set-up about telling stories, and…Five days before Halloween, and they’re still talking about talking about stories? And, of course it’s Funky Beanie, so also WHINING about talking about stories they haven’t talked about yet?

While we tell them, let’s act them out in real time, too!

“But—why would you like a night like this? You’re made of moldy pizza boxes! Bugs crawl out of you! GAAH! There’s 3 coming out right now!” Talking Skipper doll: “You’ll melt in the rain!” “You…do not understand the crown of glory, and also the great burden of…PIZZA BOX MONSTERITY.” He shambles into the rain. His sodden cardboard flesh falls. The skeleton of a human—was once human—is all that remains. Darrin: “Gonna finish his slice?”

Can we please get back to Eugene rowing a boat in the middle of a lake?

“Peanuts” did it first…and so, so, SO much better!

I am by birth a Battivillian, and my family is one of the most distinguished of Centerville. My ancestors had been for many years crankies, and my father had stalled several public situations with congestion and horror. He was infamous by all who knew him for his indefatigable attention to create public nuisance.

[High-pitched Jerry Lewis voice] “I LIKE IT! I LIKE IT!”

“I like it!”

Ah, now it’s clear! The pizza box guy is Tom Batiuk, himself!

and Snoopy had writer’s block.

“Or here’s an idea, we all go home and get other things done while we wait for the power to come back on!”

I mean, don’t Jessica and her husband have a child?

Way to filler up a whole week with empty pizza boxes. It’s called filling.

“…Suddenly a shot rang out!”

I don’t get it at all.

Excruciating.

The storm hammered down on Montoni’s Pizza, thunder shaking the walls as if warning of the darkness to come. Inside, Darwin, Summer, Pam, and Cody huddled close, unaware that the real threat wasn’t outside in the storm, but lurking just beyond the reach of their candlelight.

The evil politician grinned in the shadows, his mind already teeming with chaos. With a flick of his wrist, he summoned his “boys”, boys he was very proud of, loyal followers—Rudy, Steve, and Mike, his most faithful, his pawns in this twisted game. He didn’t care that they were little more than lost souls who followed him like loyal dogs; they served his purpose, feeding on his anger, thriving in his lies.

“Rudy,” he hissed, his voice cold as the wind outside, “I want you to cut the propane line at Montoni’s. Let the place go up in flames. They’ll never see it coming.”

Rudy, eyes gleaming with a twisted excitement, nodded and slunk into the night, his figure blending into the storm as he went to do his master’s bidding.

“Steve,” the politician continued, his voice thick with malice, “burn every bridge leading into town. Trap them all. No one gets in, no one gets out.”

Steve smirked, a glint of cruelty in his gaze as he vanished into the darkness, already envisioning the fires he would set.

“And Mike,” he said, his voice a chilling whisper, “spread the word. Tell the townsfolk that the ones in Montoni’s are behind it all. That they’re the ones planning to destroy the town. Make sure they believe it.”

Mike nodded, already imagining the faces of the frightened townspeople, so easily swayed, so gullible. Truth no longer mattered—only the conviction behind the lie, only the way the words could twist minds, bend wills, turn the innocent into enemies.

The politician watched as his minions carried out his orders, his smile widening. He knew how fragile the human mind was, how easy it was to mold fear into hate. And tonight, as the storm raged on, he would watch his masterpiece unfold.

Suddenly, a soggy Pizza Box monster came slumping out of the dark alley. "Must find oven to stand by and dry my weary cardboard body. (And smell the toasty garlic.)

It was a dark and stormy night … Suddenly, lightning flashed, striking The Bookseller. Lillian watches from her 2nd story window as it burns to the ground. The End.

Once upon a time, there was a black puffy tree with bare branches growing downward out of it..

4 out 5 caretakers at nursing homes recommend crankshaft

Well, it IS a dark and stormy night.

Part I

It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out!

A door slammed. The maid screamed.

Suddenly, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon!

While millions of people were starving, the king lived in

luxury. Meanwhile, on a small farm in Kansas, a boy was

growing up.

Part II

A light snow was falling, and the little girl with the

tattered shawl had not sold a violet all day.

At that very moment, a young intern at City Hospital

was making an important discovery. The mysterious patient

in Room 213 had finally awakened. She moaned softly.

Could it be that she was the sister of the boy in Kansas

who loved the girl with the tattered shawl who was the

daughter of the maid who had escaped from the pirates?

The intern frowned.

“Stampede!” the foreman shouted, and forty thousand

head of cattle thundered down on the tiny camp. The two

men rolled on the ground grappling beneath the murderous

hooves. A left and a right. A left. Another left and right.

An uppercut to the jaw. The fight was over. And so the

ranch was saved.

The young intern sat by himself in one corner of the

coffee shop. he had learned about medicine, but more

importantly, he had learned something about life.

THE END

The young intern, sat by himself in the corner of the coffee shop. He had learned about medicine, but, more important is, he had learned about life!

It worked for Snoopy

Seriously? THAT’S the line I get to speak? My talent is getting wasted.

Snoopy will sue -- I know it was first coined by Bulwer-Lytton. Don’t be pedantic

KILL The PBM….NOW!!!

….not going to draw a crowd!!!!

Perfect to go with the natural sound effects

Meanwhile, the basement at Montoni’s is rapidly flooding….