Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for January 27, 2023

In order to have l’espirit d’espalier — wit of the staircase — you first have to have wit.

Page 23: “NYEAH, NYEAH, NYEAH!”

I’m kinda curious. What kind of original comment is known as a “tort”?

Having a battle of wits with an unarmed man!

Ask the wise donkey on the hill, Pig. Maybe he give you some witty retorts.

Well! He sure showed him!

Rat really wants to steal that book.

As lame as…, as your mama. (I was never really good in the witty retort department, at least not until about 10 minutes later, then I would think up the perfect thing to say).

With Rat, there is a whole lot of truth in the retort.

1) So’s your old man! 2) Does your mother know you’re out? I actually got the 2nd one from Edgar Allen Poe, who could be very funny!

Pig, can I get a copy?

Winston Churchill was a master of the comeback. One time Churchill was accused by Bessie Braddock of being drunk, the exchange went something along the lines of:

Bessie: “Winston, you are drunk.“

Winston: “My dear, you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.“

Another one of his rejoinders:

Responding to a comment from Nancy Astor, who said to Churchill: “If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.”

Churchill: “If I were married to you, I’d drink it.”

The standard all purpose comeback

So’s your old man!

Too bad the author was a half-wit Pig!

“Does your a$$ ever get jealous of this sh!t coming out of your mouth?”

Also “Din do nuttin’” , “Nod my fault”, “Climate change” and “It’s all Trump’s fault”.

What a missed opportunity to use an old sheep classic, “I know ewe are but what am I”.

touché!!!

“ I know what you are, but what am I?” P W Herman

“Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.”― Winston Churchill

How about, “Uno Reverse Card”?

My go-to is, “Oh, yeah? You and what army?”

Here’s one I just improvised: “Why do you exist?”

LOL!

Giving them a squinty eyed look works for me. No use in compounding the rudeness. Saying something doesn’t work with some people. They just want to get a rise out of you. They are too ignorant to understand anything anyway.

Love you, Pig.

Charly Brown had one, too. Unfortunately, each page was ‘I hate my life’.

“Oh-yeah, well the jerkstore called and they’re running out of you.” — George (Seinfeld)

well I did have the flu, a twisted ankle AND a broken finger. Is that lame enough rat or what

Oh Pig

I no longer try for comebacks. I settle for goaways.

Alas,the witty retort became extinct the day Don Rickles died

too funny, you tell them Pig!

“same to you” will now come out of my mouth after someone insults me

Did I just giggle? Yes I believe I just giggled.

Same to you…

Don’t forget the ever popular, “Up yours”.

Very funny, maybe me laugh

Step one Pig, smarten thine @$$. Step two, use it, and lord it over thine foes. They shall shrink from its intelligence.

Lame is as lame does, and there’s more of us than care to admit.

If you have that kind of a book, you’re pretty lame.

Looks as though Pig’s Notebook of Witty Retorts is neither very full nor very witty; but it may be very “thick” indeed!

This is how so-called “artificial intelligence” works — don’t let it fool you.

My response is always “Yeah, whatever.”