Non Sequitur by Wiley Miller for August 03, 2020

You can’t pull a private out of the water.

He can’t be demoated.

Go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case; I’m going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.”Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”St. Peter: “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”Bill: “Fine, but where should I go first?”St. Peter: “I’ll leave that up to you.”“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“You just need to work on your aim.” says tech support

They’ll need to take the sling-shot apart and put it back together again, to see if it works better the next time. As far as I can see, it’s working really well, for the people guarding the castle.

I admit that I have not seen the instructions that came with the unit, but I believe they were supposed to have used rocks in the sling.

Bugs on the windshield. Now just need to scrape them off! The Moat Monster needs to be fed!

If your goal was to rid yourself of those who weren’t pulling their weight, I’d say it’s working perfectly.

Have you held down the release trigger, the cocking lever and the azimuth adjustment at the same time for as long as it takes to recite a nursery rhyme? Are you using factory-built belts or cheap knock-offs? Are you keeping the soldiers on the “flying diet” ?

“Your call is important to us. You are 79th in queue.”

Like “Angry Birds” but with raiders coming from the giant slingshot… we can call it “Angry Jerks”.

Old joke about Microsoft.

A man is flying his small plane from Portland to Seattle. He’s lost in the fog, & then sees a building. He opens his window & yells out to someone in the building “Where am I?”The man in the building yells back “You’re in an airplane”At that point, the pilot knew he was just one mile due south of the runway, as that was the Microsoft Technical Support Center, which gave out absolutely correct, but totally useless answers!

Perhap if they used birds as projectiles, instead… The angrier, the better.

Next!

They should get together withe lot in today’s “Free Range”:

https://www.gocomics.com/freerange/2020/08/03

I am waiting for the salesman to show up offering them the upgrade for 3 times the sales price of the original.

If that was Ragnar Lothbrock with Floki as the builder, then the castle would be breached immediately!

We used to think that, philosophically, we were waiting for Godot. Turns out, we were really waiting for Joe Schmoe who fancies him/herself a tech!

The power light on my new TV was not working correctly. I called tech support. The technician told me the problem was caused by my Wi-Fi. Not a chance. With a carefully aimed and applied tap of my knuckle, the loose LED was reseated and has been working perfectly ever since.

Have you tried stopping and re-starting it?

A faceplant is a faceplant whether on the ground or a wall , oh yeah a 3for !

So this is where autonomous cars are coming from.

You men are not doing it right. You’re supposed to flap your arms to gain height.

It’s clearly a user issue.

Unplug it, wait a minute, plug it back in.

Oh, you’re using the beta version. You need to upgrade.

Revising the specs is gonna cost you a lot in R&D.

Did you try rebooting?

Perhaps have your cobbler make iron-toed instead of mere leather

This is why specifications by the client have to be explicit. No one gave him the height.

It’s engineered perfectly. This is where they turn it over to the Technicians to make it actually work like the users want.

They’ll be happy to replace it with a refurbed model.

Of course, the specs were written by the people who own the castle.

But the principle is sound!

Sorry. I do NOT see the word ‘over’ in the specs.

“Are you sure it’s plugged in?”

When in doubt, blame the machine – not the operator!

Who’s idea was it to outsource this to India?

Your call is important to us – the approximate wait time is 2 hours….the CA DMV…

I’m guessing that the 2nd and 3rd shots were done while troubleshooting with tech support?

“Here’s the problem. Your castle’s too high. This is the manor assault model.”

“Try unloading it and then loading it again”

Funny, he doesn’t SOUND like he’s in Mumbai….

Ahhhh…here it is in the instructions manual. According to the Monty Python and the Holy Grail model, you have to use cows as ammo….

“Is the problem reproducible?”

“Oh, yeah, every time, really. Not one of those annoying intermittent errors.”

Working as designed.

It’s the old Tree Swing program in action.

Reminds me of when I was a fabricator. The engineer would bring out a print and wanted something built. I would tell him, sure we can do it that way, but do you want it to work.

“Our server is hitting a firewall.”

According to specs it’s working perfectly, but I just noticed it recommends using boulders to smash doors and walls, and not for use for transportation. Guess I should have read the instructions before using.

Wait a minute, I think I have dealt with that company

The soldiers are too heavy. It’s a software problem.

Where is the spatula?

Looks like another Acme product.

Must be user error.

It is working, but you have to throw dead bodies into the castle to cause disease and morale loss. RTFM!

Now I see where the idea for football goalposts came from.

WAD (Works as Designed) — what you are complaining about is a feature, not a bug.

Therefore, it is operator error!

The guys on the wall are “operatees”, not “operators”.

Try turning it Off, wait 3 minutes, then launch another soldier.

PEBKAC – Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair.

“Get in”.

It’s not a bug; it’s a feature.

Reminds me of engineers and managers telling me on JIRA: “Work as designed“ to avoid making any changes.