Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for September 17, 2023

Only between 8:30 am and 7 pm.

get a police whistle and give them a blast Mrs Pastis

This is why the answering machine was invented.

She activated the iPhone app “Fake Telemarkers” to get rid of her bothersome child.

They’ll want to buy your house for nothing next.

Your mom is so cool!

They left out final expense insurance which is a type of life insurance used to pay for funerals. There is also “We want to verify your Amazon order for $1345.”

Most of these calls are from “name unavailable” if you have caller id. Why is she answering?

I wish he’d written “my latest visit”

My 87 year old mother just ignores it and lets the phone ring.

And your kids are face glued to their phones 24/7 too.

On one of the last times I visited my mother, someone called and my mom said, “Hello? Hello!? [expletive] YOU!!! [SLAM]” Barely a few minutes went by and I heard again, “Hello? Hello!? [expletive] YOU!!! [SLAM]” The Do Not Call list was new then, but my mom thought it was a scam. You’re not supposed to put someone else on the list, but there was no way to prevent anyone from doing it. So I put her land-line number on the list. She seemed much more calm the next time I met her. I don’t even think she has a land-line any more.

I may be late to the party, but I just found out yesterday that Timmy Failure: Mistakes Were Made is one of the movies recently removed from Disney+, now not available for streaming anywhere. Well, easy come, easy go.

We screen w/ our answer machine. If it is a live person my wife let’s them talk and talk w/o her saying anything, then quietly hangs up when they run out of breath. She does a similar thing with peddlers at the door. So cool.

How can he sit there, breathing that nastyass second hand smoke ?

The “auto warranty” calls are always funny when you don’t own a car!! ;) XD!

There shoulda been capital punishment for pesky unwanted calls. Only then they is will be stops.

Fortunately here in Germany unsolicited sales calls are illegal.

I guess they are preparing those of us “of a certain age” for the yearly nightmare… MEDICARE OPEN ENROLLMENT! Phone will ring constantly! As if it doesn’t ring enough anyway, the time between Oct. and Jan. 1 is BRUTAL!

Why does her cell phone have a phone cord? Not cuz she’s charging it – it’s an old style curly landline cord. Steven messing with us :D

So very true!

Nothing like writing what you know.

I had a tele zapper and it worked quite well for stopping robots calls

Hey, P.W., if only the politicians would do something about this…………………..wait, my error, no politics. Hey, everybody, NOooooooo PO LIC TICS!!!!!!

My 90 yr old dad insists on answering the phone when he can barely hear what’s being said over it. I hate calling over there and he answers because I have to shout.

I get all these calls labeled Spam Risk. Call outside of hours, etc. They label them that when they make a ton of phone calls…I don’t answer.

Even with the old landlines you could get caller ID it was a little box that was inline between the wall jack and the phone-you had to pay ATT extra just like had to pay extra for a yellow phone. Today, VOIP phones also feature caller-id. I just pick-up/hang up immediately so I don’t have to hear it ring or hear the spam risk message.

A friend (programmer) set up his private TK-Router to have an automatic answering system with pre-recorded replies and general inquiries that are completely useless but pretend to be a daft person a little hard of hearing in a noisy environment. It came on line whenever the caller-ID was suppressed or recognized as fake.

The longest it managed to keep a telemarketer in the line was some 15 minutes.

Kind of makes one nostalgic for “Is your refrigerator running?”

My Mom died at the age of 91 at the end of July this year. Before dementia took away her personality and her ability to think, she’d get a lot of these scam calls on her old flip phone. If it wasn’t a number she recognized, she’d ignore it, though half the time she’d forget to take her phone with her anyway. When it became clear that she would never be able to use her phone again, I canceled her service (power of attorney) and retired her ancient phone. Be with your elders as long as you can. Sometimes they are taken from you while they are still alive.

I got an answering machine with smart call blocker. The caller has to enter a number to get through. It eliminates all of the robo-calls, which is 95% of the telemarketers.

At this point, you just ask these people to leave a message and then delete the messages.

Y’all be careful out there. My wife almost got sucked in by a computer scam posing as Apple Support.

I have an eighty-something friend who’s otherwise very intelligent but actually fell for that “This is your grandson” scam. And that was even before deepfake voice simulations.

Answers because they always have :-)

Even worse, it is the same guy making all the calls. “Weren’t you Johnny the last time you called, Bill?”

Is she charging her phone? The cable is clearly long enough to leave it on the table so she doesn’t have to keep going to get it. That’s a weird charging cable, too. I don’t get it.

That’s why we had to get rid of our landline.

All that puffing away means she’ll have to put up with telemarketers for about 10 fewer years.

An 84 year old smoker and still kicking? Try to help her quit! Anyway, I’m sure she is very proud of you, Mr. Pastis!

Sad but true.

That’s because it’s a landline. Before I finally disconnected mine, about 95% of the calls were scams and telemarketers

My 90yo mom never answers her land line; she just lets the answering machine get it. She says, “Everyone I want to talk to has my cell number.”

If you want to get pedantic, #2 is a scammer, not a telemarketer. I – will you excuse me; my phone is ringing…hello? You work for Amazon, and you say there’s a charge for an iPhone 15? You want me to go to some website to fill in the “refund form”? I have a better idea – you work for Amazon, right? How about you log into Amazon, buy Amazon gift cards equal to the difference – I have already paid for them with my fradulent credit card charge – and tell me the numbers? Hello? Hello?

Most of my calls are from spoofed numbers in my own area code

Pretty much. My phone screens calls like these as “potential fraud or scam” so I can block the numbers.

That but it will be much worse and more higher tech with AI….

Then there are the calls you THINK are friends or your doctor, but when you answer, it’s a scammer from India.I stopped answering the phone several years ago. If I don’t recognize the number and they don’t leave a message, that number gets blocked. I don’t care who it is. If it says GOD IN HEAVEN and he/she doesn’t leave a message, BLOCKED.

I always look at the PBW merchandise hoping to see the keepsake/jewelry boxes again. So far, no luck. I have two and the lid one broke and it’s not fixable. If anyone knows if they’re available anywhere, please let me know.

Ha! If he could only get through…..Solution: DONT ANSWER

Keep an air horn and industrial ear protection by the phone and give these people a good blast.

Jesus Christ, Pastis. If this is real, help her change her phone number already.

Does Stephan’s mom live at a pizza place or something?

A lot of them now pop up on our home phone as “Spam Risk”. Still pretty sick of them.“Do not Call List” (remember that) – I think they use it as a phone book.

My dad kept getting spam calls up to a year after he passed away. I had to cancel his number.

So funny because it’s true.

It’s funny. In the last year or so the volume of spam calls has gone down to nearly zero for me. I’ve done nothing.

Most of my calls of that type say “Scam likely.” Maybe if I bought the right kind if insurance, they’d go away.

I never answer the phone anymore. I let my answering device say “I screen all calls. Say your name and I may pick up the phone. Otherwise, leave a message”. Get very few messages.

I had PhoneTray which blocked them. Worked almost perfectly, except for the single ring before it answered. She’ll just need a computer and a little training. Cutting the cord works better.

Every now and then I’d get a call from someone with an accent who told me my Windows computer was messing up their network.

I used to play around with them for awhile. Which version of Windows? I have several versions running and I need to know which one is causing the problem.

Also, How did you get my number? How exactly did you track that computer to me?

After they stammered for a bit I’d announce we’re running Macs and hang up.

Got a call from a telemarketer who was trying to get me to get some “Free” money if I had 3 or more employees. I told him I had 7 employees. He asked what kind of business I had. “We manufacture donkey condoms” I think he took me off his list!

To Dennis: Very few now come through as “Name Unavailable.” Indeed, most now seem to have a human on the other end, albeit almost every one of them has a thick Asian accent and you can hear boilerroom sounds behind them.

Most now appear to come from phones in your own area code, as the system permits these callers to spoof Caller IDs. Why that “feature” still exists in the Caller ID software is a mystery to me. But it allows the user to pick random seven-digit numbers, and some of them have real individuals and businesses (and even government agencies) attached to them that will show up on your Caller ID on your phone.

Many are still recordings and will try to get you to say “Yes,” often by asking if you can hear them or, after you say “Hello,” just saying “Hello” themselves and pausing. DON’T EVER SAY THE WORD “YES” WHEN ON THE PHONE WITH A SPAM CALLER!

But the ones with humans on the other end will almost always have a brief pause after you answer “Hello,” followed by a faint “beep” before the crook comes on the line. That faint “beep” is how you KNOW you’re being scammed.

You have a kid that didn’t call, but is sitting right next to you. Livr and in person.

donotcall dot gov—I log every call I get from such ppl and as a result, I get very few.

Put her on the Do Not Call list, Stephan. I just did it for my Mom when she moved into a new place, and the calls reduced by 98%.

When my mom passed, I had the post office forward all her mail to me (the executor).

There were an ENORMOUS number of pleas to “Save Various Furry Whatevers” – and various slimey “religious organizations” asking for another donation.

Uh huh. Lemme get out my checkbook – NOT.

scum

Solved the problem years ago. I turned off the ringer, and let all calls go to voicemail. Then I check voicemail once a month or so and delete everything. Problem solved.

BTW, I never, ever get real calls on my phone anymore.

The second one wasn’t a telemarketer. It was a scammer.

Call received on my MIL’s cell phone last December:

“Yes, my name is Bill and I am calling from the Medicare department about your Medicare benefits.”

“Oh! You must be looking for (MIL), she has Medicare.”

“Ah. Yes. Is she available?”

“… Not exactly, no, but I’m her son-in-law, may I help you?”

“Oh, yes! (Drones on about this “wonderful improvement to Medicare” that I, as someone who has worked in healthcare billing for 20 years, know to be nothing exceptional.)"

(15 minutes later)

“Would you like to enroll?”

“Yes!”

“Okay, you said her name is (MIL), what is the last name?”

“(Gave a fake last name).”

“And her date of birth?”

“(Gave a fake date of birth). Do you also need her date of death?”

“In a moment … uh, I’m sorry, what was that?”

“I asked if you need her date of death?”

“Date of death?”

“Yes. She died three and a half weeks ago, and I personally called the beneficiary line to report it. If you were really from Medicare you would know that.”

He then invited me to … uh … procreate with myself before hanging up.

Whenever I’m in the mood to screw with telemarketers I always make a game of it and make them hang up on me. I always try to waste as much or their time as I can before they hang up. After that I block their number. I usually get 1-5 calls a day when i play the game. Alas, such is the life of a pensioner…Always looking for free entertainment!

For those of you who enjoy tormenting live callers: Please remember these are real people who would not take these horrible jobs if they had any alternative.

I remember visiting my grandmother at 90 and her picking up a call and going, “oh, ha-ha and slamming it down on some scammer”. I knew she was still ok. 5 years later I we were visiting and it was 80+ deg. in the house because she apparently no longer remembered how to operate the thermostat and I knew she shouldn’t be living on her own anymore.

Of course this is a true story! It is so very true! I’m not much younger than Ma Pastis, but have far less family. Almost the only calls I get on my admittedly old fashioned no-frills landline phone are spam, solicitations, or telemarketing, and I usually hang up within a second or two, as soon as I recognize the beginning of a spiel….

My widower 87 yo Pops is assaulted every day, we dumped his landline and it got a little better but between junk mail begging & charities it has changed how he lives.

Maybe last panel is the point she was trying to make

I was waiting for the punchline - aaaaaaannnnnd there it is, though not so much a punchline, as a punch.

I misplace my cell phone all the time. I have a landline now so I can call my cell; I also keep my cell # private and give out my landline instead [which has an answering machine]. Most telemarketers don’t leave messages.

I wish I had a mom to call. Or anybody willing to have a conversation the old fashioned way.

Unfortunately. in my Mom’s house, the conversation was typically “Hello? Yes? Sonny, get me my purse.”