Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for April 14, 2024

Pig, that’s why there are cookbooks and recipes online.

How does he know what it looks like when it’s done?

That was my Ukrainian grandmother, a great cook, for camps and later the Legion, who did everything by eye and intuition.

Cook till done. What we have is a bit of sauce. Won’t suffice for the appetite of a mouse.

Salt to taste. Whose taste? If I add salt to my taste, no one else in the family can eat it. But I can’t taste the difference between no salt and the tiny bit they want.

I didn’t learn anything either.

The worst experience for a novice cook is a “teacher” like this. They can’t even stop and think and say, “Oh about a spoonful.” Sometimes I think they don’t want you to learn their recipes!

This is what US recipes sound like to the metric part of the world….

Yeah, just throw a bunch of stuff you like in a pot and cook it for a while. After 4 or 5 tries, you should get it right!

That’s exactly how I cook. Recipes are only guidelines, not rules.

He learned the ingredients. That’s something.

At least we didn’t get a pun strip today.

That’s why ChatGPT will never have a cooking show.

This is why “Mrs Beeton’s book of household management” was produced which quantified measurements in cooking (A Cup, and a Teaspoon). Exactly because of measurements like “A Goodly Pinch”, and those contained in this strip.

I measure when I cook. I also use timers.

I got the recipe for my grandma’s delicious cheese “crackers” directly from her: Using two measuring cups of flour, mixed with a bit of salt and enough cayenne. Stir in one cup of shredded sharp cheddar. Cut in a lump of butter about the size of a hen’s egg. Add about a tablespoon of cold water and knead briefly. Adjust the flour or water if necessary and fix make sure it’s salty enough. Roll into balls that will pass through the loop of your finger and thumb, push them flat and bake in a medium hot oven until they’re done in the middle and crisp on the edges.

They’re kinda greasy. And delicious, particularly if served warm.

A coworker of mine was all excited with the new cookbook she had just bought, by a world famous chef. All the recipes in it were a simple list of ingredients, with no quantities given and no instructions for combining. I asked her what use that was. She said, if you are a top line chef, you already know what amounts to use and what to do.

Coming up next in Neighbour Nancy Cooking Show, how to cooks deeleeshus pork chops.

I have measuring spoons that say “Dash”, “Tad” and “Pinch”.

She left out two very important steps: Step One: Open bottle of wine. Step Two: Take drink of wine directly from bottle. No glass needed.

“The National Cookbook”, published in 1850, was the first cookbook printed in the United States to use exact measurements. Some of the measurements are in “gills”, but still…

TV Chef Justin Wilson rarely gave cooking times on his show. When asked about this, his answer was, “You cook it until it’s done.”

Recipe for Disaster….

My wife uses recipes from The NY Times, and it drives her crazy when they give no advice for how much salt to use as a starting point.

All of those terms have specific definitions -

Dollop – A dollop refers to a small amount of something that is usually a sauce or flavor enhancer and has a thicker viscosity to be served as a peak with a spoon. Usually, a dollop is asked for when serving whipped cream, ice cream, jam, sour cream or mashed potatoes.

Dash – 1/8 teaspoon or half of a tad.

Smidgen – 1/32 teaspoon or half of a pinch.

Pinch – 1/16 teaspoon or half of a dash

Hint – Half of a drop

In addition to those, there are also:

Slather – A generous amount usually referring to the immersion of the whole item or covering the whole visible area.

Gill – ½ cup

Sprinkle – The equivalent of lightly dusting the whole surface area by shaking tiny bits from your hand

Tad – ¼ teaspoon

Drop – 1/64 teaspoon or half of a smidgen

This reminds me of watching wood carvers. If you ask them “How did you carve such a beautiful horse out of that log?”, they will answer “It’s easy really. You just carve away all the wood that doesn’t look like a horse.”

Just add liquor and shake, then serve.

I hate smidgens. They poo on our windows.

Don’t forget a little bit of sugar to make the medicine go down.

Great cooks cannot be replicated. …or understood.

My wife’s style of cooking and it is wonderful whatever she makes. Me I follow recipes to the word and they come out good but not wonderful.

That’s how my old granny cooked, and I can duplicate most of her recipes from memory….and they are better than almost anything out there on the interwebs!

Should’ve brought a camera to record with.

When I make my chili, I use a gram scale to weigh out each spice. I like it to be the same every time I make it.

I can always tell when a dish is finished or not. Call it a sixth sense.

I find that the microwave timings on frozen dinners are usually pretty accurate.

It’s those types who make the best food!

From the Climate Change Cookbook….

That’s an awfully big pot to use for just a dollop, a dash, a smidgen, a pinch, and a hint.

And here we see the illustration of the two different kinds of cooks I’ve known in my life.

We tried everything including videotaping trying to get some of my Grandmother’s recipes.

Has anyone noticed the ingredient she’s adding all that spice to is missing?

I thought this was going to be a pun. That first panel had me going there for a while.

Start with oil and red pepper flakes. Add cumin, oregano, and lime. Stir. Add salt.

That’s it???

Worst. Soup. Ever.

This is exactly how my wife tried to teach me how to cook – she measured nothing – she was a natural who cooked with her instincts and the meals were always great, when i would ask her how much sugar or salt to add i would get answers like “just a little bit” or “not too much” , she never used measuring cups or spoons and it always came out right – - I miss her

One reason my mom hates to cook is that she felt she never got the hang of grandma’s “dump cooking” style – a pinch of this, 3 fingers of that, etc. & it was totally frustrating for her. She’s actually a pretty good cook, but she doesn’t think she is, especially after she watched my other grandma make excellent bread from scratch without measuring anything…

My grandma made the best Swedish Rye Bread. Was almost a dessert. My aunt wanted to share the recipe with the family so she watched grandma making it. A dollop of this, a pinch of that, the dough should feel just right. My aunt made grandma use measuring cups and spoons and voila! we all could make it. My oldest sister baked the best loaves.

Oh my —where is the mic hidden?

My mother’s exact recipe for everything I ever tried to duplicate. “Wait! How much salt was that?”

But she told you everything.

You get better at it the longer you cook.

A dollop of learning — or less.

Baking is done with measurements. Cooking is just done by eye and tossing in things that should in theory go well together.

What was she making?

I have a set of those measurement spoons

Smidgen: 1/32 teaspoon

Pinch: 1/16 teaspoon

Dash: 1/8 teaspoon

Tad: 1/4 teaspoonTraditionally, a “pinch” simply meant the amount you could literally pinch between your forefinger and thumb, which usually falls somewhere between 1/16 and 1/8 of a teaspoon. A smidgen is half a pinch (1/32 of a teaspoon), and a dash is a liquid measurement that translates to to 1/8 of a teaspoon3.

She forgot the dash of Mrs Dash.

Finally, something we all can agree on with Nancy Pelosi.

Pig, you have to ‘feel’ the recipe lol

Cooking and baking are two different skills. Just because you are great at one of them, does not mean you will be good at the other.

One on the big differences is that you must be precise with the amounts of ingredients you use in baking. In cooking, not so much, partly because of the variability of the ingredients, e.g. fresh basil has a much stronger flavor than dried, and the dried loses intensity the longer you have it.

And jalapenos, two can look like identical twins, but one might burn you up while the other might taste like a sweet green pepper. Go figure.

What would that make?

YAY! ‘Smidgen’ instead of smidge!!

This recipe for red pepper, cumin, oregano, lime and salt, all sauteed in oil, sounds delicious but something seems to be missing…

I’m a recipe person, my husband is like the woman in the comic. I consider him to be the true cook.

I was so excited to finally get my grandmother’s pierogi recipe, only to find the instructions included “add enough water until the dough is right” So I eyeballed it and they turned out wonderful…

Herbs and such are processed to put in the tin and lose potency with age. Cooking times vary with oven temperature, altitude and humidity. Meats are processed in different ways. After a decade or so of experience, one learns to sense these variables and adjust for them.

Hard to teach that.

My Jewish grandmother grew up speaking Yiddish. She measured ingredients by eye. The Yiddish word she used for “put” sounds like the English vernacular word for feces. She never tired of using it in talking about cooking. “You [Yiddish word] a little salt an then…”

8 ounces of vodka and you got it!

Recipes are a good place to start, then add your own touches.

It’s a sauce, they are notoriously simple and rarely disciplined.

Neighbor Nancy could have been my Great Aunt Nina!

Dang! I read it slowly and carefully, trying to anticipate the usual Sunday strip string of bad puns and malapropisms. Nope! Not this week. Just an apt (and fairly funny) observation on cooking instructions.

That’s their secret…..

Cook over medium heat.

That’s me and my mother in law – knead the dough until it “feels right” – what the heck does feel right feel like? My biscuits never turn out right! Miss her touch.

grandma’s method

Believe it or not, the two different types of cooks are mentioned in Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Both cooks are women, both are slaves, both have decent masters.(1) The one in Kentucky keeps all her supplies and equipment in specified locations and measures amounts, cooking times, and cooking temperatures with care. The cook in New Orleans stashes everything wherever she happens to be at the moment and throws ingredients into the cooking vessels apparently at random. Both women produce excellent meals.

(1) – Harriet Beecher Stowe wished to emphasize that even the kindest, most humane slave ownership imaginable could lead to horror. Uncle Tom’s first owner needs to sell his hardest working, most loyal manservant “down the river” to pay his debts after a bad year. His second owner, wealthy, indigent, and good natured, dies unexpectedly and Tom dies at the hand of the villainous Simon Legree.

Great set up! But where’s the pun?

It’s like trying to learn my mom’s and grandmothers’ recipes.

cooking vs luv of cooking

That is exactly how my Grandmother taught me to cook; a lifetime of experimentation ♥

People who cook like this have no choice. This is the way they learned; if they slow down and try to explain, they lose momentum, and it turns out terrible.

True great cooking is an art, not a science.

my grandmother taught me how to bake cookies, and when i pointed out that she wasn’t following the recipe, she said that’s just a suggestion…such wisdom…she worked in my great-grandparents bakery in Olneyville RI, the Hillas Bakery

Like asking my mom how to cook.

What is a sprig of thyme, a #2 can of tomatoes, How big is a clove of garlic, a carrot…

But…that’s how it’s done! What words don’t you understand?

Most understood cooking instruction… until golden brown

What I hate is when the recipe says to use “a few grinds of pepper”. Some of us still use shakers.

What, no “tad” of this?

What! No meat? Where’s the meat!?

Following those ingredients and directions exactly will leave you with a small inedible burnt puck.

Hey that’s like trying to learn from my dad.

That’s how my mom taught me to cook! I didn’t learn a thing either.

Some of Grandma’s recipes included, “Butter the size of an egg.”