Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for January 30, 2024

Rat speaks for us all today.

Coffee, regular (IYKYK)

I don’t even drink coffee

So, ‘coffee with cream and sugar’ would force you to take a hike.

3 words, ‘black, no sugar’

I hate when I go to a coffee shop and order a black coffee and they ask me if I “need room for cream and sugar”.

That’s why Mr. Coffee and I are such good friends. (That and the 98% savings.)

Dirty Harry didn’t need one single word for that.

I’m with Rat on this one!

I can order in three words: “Kahlua coffee, please.”

I take four: “Small, dark roast, black.”

I usually need 5 – “large, extra cream, no sugar.”

“Large coffee with cream.”

I need four words just to say “Hello. Anybody working here?”

Good, Rat. That is very good association policy of your.

I’m with rat on this one

I’ll have orange juice.

I never go into one of those places. And if I do, I NEVER order coffee. Maybe a scone. MAYBE a cup of tea. But probably only if you’re buying. Because price. I’m annoyed that my tea bags cost me 10 cents each. Good tea though.

Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.

I can do it with four words – I don’t drink coffee.

Three for me: “large, black, iced”. Then I have to repeat them six more times because nobody believes I just want coffee and not some freaking milkshake.

You can safely stop him at “grande”.

Cafe Veterano®, Por Favor – (four words)

There’s a lovely Cuban Bakery just outside a hotel I used to stay at in Miami.

On the “Espresso” menu was “Cafe Veterano®” – When I asked, I was told it was a double espresso with a shot of Veterano® brandy.

My kinda breakfast.

Go to YouTube and search for “Kitty Flanagan Coffee” – it’s worth your time.

Not to mention the price!

Decaf. Hot. And I’ll put my own dam cream and sugar in, too, if ya don’t MIND!!

Maybe he went to get something to drink and use the WiFi, and then expected Rat pay for the coffee.

The Good News… Pumpkin Spice Latte and Creme Brûlée Latte are only three words. The Bad News… they have been discontinued until next October. sigh

Better locate the AED. The dude is going to code on that kind of diet.

a few more of those sugary messes & he’ll have a truck-size spare tire.

Nope – I try to let people actually enjoy things.

Pig sits on a pillow and watches an ancient TV set. Hang in there, Pig.

That’s COFFEE!! A fancy milkshake is what it is and the cost is outrageous, but you can save a whole dime if you bring your own cup, how wonderful!!

We have a couple of little inventions called pencil and paper… LEARN HOW TO USE THEM!!

And that’s why I don’t drink coffee. Plus, it tastes awful, no matter what you add.

1. Black

2. Coffee

3. Please

4. Thanks!

If I order tea, am I then allowed to uze as many words as I want?

I’m surprised Rat didn’t give him a slapapuccino

Ordering online so your coffee will be ready when you arrive seems unnecessary at Dunk’ns, but I imagine it would be useful at S*arbucks. Their drive thru line must move like molasses.

I don’t like coffee, so I don’t order it.

I think I’m going to get sick…

Coffee UGH! I drink tea the Irish way. Tea+sugar+milk. 3 words Rat, we’re OK.

What I like is when I order “Coffee, black” and the server asks if I need room for cream. BTW, you don’t need room for sugar and yiou add it yourself anyway. For once I am going to agree with Rat.

SIX PUMPS OF CARAMEL???

Tea, Earl Grey, Hot.

Grande iced decaf Americano. Or if at the local B&N cafe, “the usual”.

Double, double for me.

Coffee, cream, sugar.

I can order that coffee in three words, Bill : large Sumatra black.

This mean Rat can’t have Italian friends.

Small dark roast, black. Please.

I guess that “please” would put me on Rat’s banned list. I can live with that.

At some point it becomes a milk shake. Senior year, we had a speaker about finances in college. The biggest takeaway was learn to drink black coffee.

Rat, you (occasionally) WORK at a coffee shop. You ought to be used to it.

“Black coffee one sugar.” I would not be Rat’s friend for OTHER reasons.XD

It’s sounding more like a milkshake than a coffee. Just go to Dairy Queen instead.

A line not to be crossed!

He’s ordering a milkshake, not coffee.

Amen.

Coffee, hot, black. Anything else is dessert.

Coffee Nazi

If your coffee is any good, it’s all you need.

Medium Iced Cappuccino, please!

a number of times I order iced coffee and get told “we don’t have that”. OK, bring me a cup of coffee and a tumbler full of ice

Small coffee with cream. I don’t use those pretentious Italian words for the size of the cup, since I’m not in Italy

He should just order a dessert and pour some coffee on it.

No coffee. Or tea. They both smell vile and taste even worse.

It ends up Rat prefers a crapocinno! ☺️☺️☺️

I visited Italy and ordered caffe macchiato (espresso with a small bit of steamed milk”). They always asked “Americano?” Which meant a ton of sugar and milk. I said, “No. Italiano!” And it always brought a smile. Once you’ve had a real espresso, you realize what they serve here is mostly garbage-sweetened milk with sugary flavoring. Even a cappuccino has such weak coffee and so much milk that you can’t taste it. No wonder so many people are obese!

Black, as dark as my heart and as evil as my soul.

The employees LOVE him!

Coffee, black.

A more substantial reason than the obtuse reason of….

The first time I went into a Starbucks I ordered what I thought was the simplest thing, “A small black coffee, please,” they did not know what to do. The first question was, ‘what size is small?’

That’s a fact!

Son sent me this recently: https://YOUTU.be/olaVegee-Qw?si=RVtxemxbvhOyD5dJ

I’m surprised no one is adventurous enough to ask for Kopi Luwak. Look it up; I dare ’ya!

I choose something off the menu board and say the size. (That is, small medium or large, not tall, grande or venti—Pearls taught me to have contempt for that nonsense.) If that’s not enough information to complete the order I will answer the barista’s follow up questions.

… AND you didn’t give your name … you … you Stall-Man!

Well, I live in a small town in Italy. Every morning I only say four words: “un caffè, per favore”, and they give me a delicious espresso. So, I can associate with Rat…

Coffee. Flavored. Coffee.

Short drip, the secret size at S*****s

Starbucks took to adding all the coffee condiments for you during the pandemic. I hate that. They never get it quite right. I am always disatified that I paid up for a cup of coffee and every sip is a little disappointment.

“Large Iced Caramel Machiato” =3

“Drip coffee is for people who hate themselves and know their lives have no real meaning or purpose.” — Wednesday Addams

I don’t agree but it cracks me up.

For me, it’s “Medium, two cream, one sweetener.”

That’s still more than four words.

Coffee, black, no sugar.

Red Bull gives you insomnia

Coffee, sweet and light.

Darn! “Black, with no sugar, please!” is unfortunately five words…

Hate coffee

Good for you Rat. I agree!

“I just want a black coffee. None of this mocha-frappa-dappiatto nonsense.”

“Great, what size would-”

“You probably don’t even know how to make a black coffee anymore.”

“Actually we sell quite a few of them. Now what size-”

“I bet I’m the only black coffee drinker left in the world.”

Tall, sweet and creamy.

Typical stupid coffee shop culture with it’s pretentious jargon and snobbery.

Check out the crocs from Pearls Before Swine over on Imagine this 30/01/24

Rat has some weird lines.

Doesn’t Rat work at a fancy coffee shop?

hilarious!

Coffe, black, no sugar

I usually drink my coffee black, no sugar. But I do occasionally enjoy the odd frou-frou “coffee” drink.

I like my coffee black, just like my men.

Thanks to Starbucks, American coffee is an even dumber version of a good cup of joe.

Mochaccinno. 1 word. Ha!